can't stop thinking about death and the passing of time lately. i don't want decades to pass in the blink of an eye but I know that in like 20 years it will seem like it did, BUT I DON'T WANT IT! right now life is pretty great, would be fine if I could come back here later when I'm like 80 years old as a checkpoint or something or earlier before my grandma died, or just time travel in general and see relatives. thing is my grandparents on my mom's side died before I was born so I never even met them so it's like strangers... then my other grandfather died in 2nd grade and then about 2 years ago already my grandmother passed and I still wish I spent more time with her or something and that's the only grandparent I actually spent time with basically so I can't imagine how i'd feel if I knew my other grandparents more before they died. I don't know why but it's been seriously bothering me lately but i'm trying not to make this serious and depressing. so then it's making me think of when my parents or other family members die and when I die........ WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's just over and my skeleton is going to be trapped in a box? that sounds scary as fuck even though I'm dead. I've accomplished shit that took like thousands of hours then when it's over it just seems like it happened in a few seconds and it's just like ok. and like 0.0000000000000000000001% of people will ever know the story of my life or my grandma's life or grandpa's and fuck I barely know about my own grandparents' lives and pretty much know jack SHIT about my great grandparents besides my great grandfather apparently took a piss and a barn he was in blew up from a grenade so that's one of the reasons I'm here today. but anyway, sometimes when I think about this shit I think about if my parents or siblings die before me and it almost feels like they're already dead and fuckin feels HORRIBLE like it's bad. like I basically already feel dead because it's going to happen all of a sudden and I wonder if i have kids of my own and a wife who is gonna be around when I finally do die? and of course is it just like when you sleep and don't have a dream and you're just fucking gone? obviously everyone wonders this but I feel like I've SOMEHOW gone through life up until this point without really facing the reality of death. so this fucking sucks, but at the same time life is great RIGHT NOW at the point that i'm WRITING THIS THOUGH BUT SOME DAY IM GOING TO DIE AND IN THE GRAND SCALE ITS GOING TO BE VERY SOON AND EVEN IF MY PARENTS DIE 20, 30, OR SOMEHOW 1000 YEARS BEFORE ME AND I DIE 1000 YEARS LATER 1000 YEARS STILL ISNT EVEN THAT LONG OVERALL AND WHEN U DIE IS IT JUST OVER and i've been thinking insane shit to try and cope like maybe if you name your kids after yourself or dead relatives some of their spirit comes back or something. anyway I just want to say this shit because I fuckin really want to stop thinking about it because I keep imagining myself dying in a hospital bed and everything going white, or that happening to my grandma with not enough loved ones around since it was basically at the height of covid. it wasn't because of covid though, it was alzheimers. but yeah this is absolutely fucked. there's no way you just stop existing, like that cannot be. so on the flip side infinite is also scary as fuck. eventually you would become like a god right......? i have to stop here but yeah.....I'm just thinking of stuff like this...and maybe some how reading this in 20 years even though i'm dreading the passing of time so much... and it seems like a long time but it isn't...but maybe I can delude myself into thinking 20 years is an insanely long amount of time so it goes slower or something.
