Just a reminder

If you have ceased contact with a toxic person, you do not owe anyone an explanation. Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. If you sense the slightest hint that they do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for you, all you need to say is: “I don’t feel comfortable discussing it” People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through. You don’t have to do this anymore.  <3

abusers will go “i would never do that” while doing it, having done it, and planning to do it again

The Love Witch (2016), dir. Anna Biller

when you say things like “donald trump is delusional” you demonize psychosis. you put a label on those who suffer from delusions. delusions about people trying to hurt them, false beliefs about oneself or others, thoughts that objects are evil etc….i have had delusions, i have friends who are delusional. none of them are evil , or racist or any of those things. donald trump is not psychotic. donald trump is a rich, racist, control craving, conniving, manipulative, politician who knows exactly what he is doing and knows that what he aspires to is oppressive and harmful, he doesn’t care because he doesn’t have to. his disregard for people who arent rich white men is not a result of mental illness, it is a result of privilege. thanks

My kink is people who accept me even with my mental illness and don’t abandon me when it’s too hard for them

BPD symptoms to stop making fun of and recognise as what they really are:

Needing attention Outbursts of emotion (especially anger) Not getting out of bed Social withdrawal Self-destructive behaviours Being ‘clingy’ Forgetting things Getting upset about everything Bad self-care Promiscuity ‘Weird’ or ‘unusual’ triggers Needing validation

Needing attention - with out constant stimulation from our relationships, we forget we even mean anything to anyone. Outbursts of emotion (especially anger) - there are 5 intensity levels. at levels 4-5, we become the emotion. it sucks. (source: dialectical behavioral therapy)

Not getting out of bed - with bpd, depression is a reoccurring mood. Social withdrawal - we are champs at perfecting facades. don’t always have the energy for it though. Self-destructive behaviours - sometimes needed to escape those 4-5 intensity emotions.  Being ‘clingy’ - fear of abandonment. love addicted. not knowing how else to care about people. Forgetting things - emotional impermanence. we lose perspective of things we did if its associated with something painful (aka all things, all things are painful).  Getting upset about everything - impossible to see the good in anything unless someone sucked the cognitive dissonance right out of our heads. in other words, splitting–it’s a thing.  Bad self-care- see: depression is a revolving and reoccurring mood. Promiscuity  - see: needing attention because we don’t feel like “real” people.  ‘Weird’ or ‘unusual’ triggers - sorry if you hate the word ‘trigger’, but that’s exactly what this is. emotional ptsd. how else would you explain, “oh fuck, that song reminds me of when _____. welp. time to dissociate. haha i’m not here anymore. haha, i don’t feel anything.”??? Needing validation - we want attention to feel like people. we need validation to feel like good people. 

WISH I FIGURED THIS SHIT OUT A DECADE AGO. 

you’re welcome.

stuff to remember if you’ve got BPD

Abusers love to pretend to be misunderstood and dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern or fear at all times. They love to make out their past so it seems like they’re some kind of tragic hero, or someone who is only abusive because of everything they’ve bee thru. They will yell at you for “not considering their feelings enough”, you can recognize it in phrases “do you ever think about how it is for me? do you think i enjoy doing this?” as if you are the one ignoring their feelings, and not the reverse. Even when they look happy you’re supposed to always assume that deep inside they’re in some kind of pain and be as understanding as possible.

Don’t get fooled by this. People who are dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern, shame, and fear don’t take it out on their closest ones. People who are aware of what compassion is wont yell at you for not taking enough of their feelings into account. People who are living with pain and regret don’t look fucking smug and self-important all the time! People who live in shame wouldn’t risk hurting you and increasing shit they’re feeling ashamed about! People who are hurt and living in a lot of pain wouldn’t just go and try to make you feel awful about yourself too! They wouldn’t make inappropriate jokes or call you names or try to convince you that if they feel bad, you need to feel bad too, and if they are doing that, then you are not supposed to take their feelings into account anymore! 

Your empathy should not extend to those who have it as a goal to hurt you, when another person wants to cause you pain, this is where your empathy for them should end. No matter what they’re pretending to go thru, doesn’t it feel a little bit too convenient that their lives are so “tragic” and “misunderstood” and for that reason you’re supposed to just let them take it out on you and “understand where they’re coming from”? If they’re leading you to believe you’re a bad person if you don’t let them hurt you, they can just fuck off! It’s just a sham to make you believe that allowing them to cause you pain is noble from you, it’s not, your life has bigger value than to be a punching bag for someone, noble thing is to protect your life from that kind of parasite.

if someone is

this person is abusing you, and at the same time trying to make you feel like abuse is good for you, and have you bonded to them and addicted to abuse.

one of the worst things about having a charismatic abuser(s) is that people don’t see how vile and deeply-manipulative they actually are. They only see the fake persona that they like to portray to the world.

take a step back and think of how many times a day you sit think about embarrassing moments your friends have had while you were together. ill assume that its probably little to none. now try to remember some of the slightly humiliating things you have witnessed your friends do/go through? can’t? neither can i, neither can anyone. so next time youre dwelling on the time you laughed really ugly in math class or your gum fell out of your mouth infront of your crush, they probably didnt notice and even if they did they probably forgot that it happened. they may have laughed or found it cute or even cringed but people have wayyy too much going on in their own heads to be thinking about silly stuff youve done. youre okay!

BPD is the ONLY mental disorder where one is expected to “control” themselves because they still have “free will” and are still “responsible” for their symptoms. like i had one person say that someone splitting on them was abuse, that’s literally a symptom of the illness.. if someone doesnt have the resources to help themselves or their illness capacity is greater than their will to conform to normalcy sometimes people with this diagnosis REALLY GENUINELY ACTUALLY cant control their reactions to things.

people with bpd have diminished capability in the prefrontal cortex, hippocampus and amygdala that regulates emotional reactions and impulses. its not some psuedopsychic internalization of trauma. its a REAL illness and you cant pick and choose what symptoms you prejudice

So true to read it actually makes me happy to know I’m not the only person who feels this way!

I’ve had mental health ‘professionals’ go out of their way to make me feel pathetic over the fact their pure determination to help hasn’t ‘fixed’ me. It makes it worse that I will have already explained at the begining of our professional relationship how many different forms of ‘treatment’ I have fully committed to in the past decade and practiced daily with little positive outcome.

It makes it even worse when I explain how my FP and old best friend are the only people that have had the ability to help me cope. Especially as my FP undeniably has bpd (undiagnosed) and we have always supported eachother as we understand eachothers episodes and splitting better than anyone else.

So many people clearly misunderstand and believe it’s a choice not to split or dissociate or to have any form of episode. The reality is that sometimes pure will and determination alone doesn’t help. Sometimes medications are a necessary aid but they only mask the problem, they don’t ‘fix’ or treat you. Sometimes only a specific person or coping mechanism is the only way you can ground yourself in an episode and that isn’t your choice. Sometimes you have times nothing at all can help you ground yourself and you have to wait for the episode, splitting, dissociation etc to pass in it’s own time... none of that is ever somebody’s choice.

Too many people are quick to call out other peoples flaws and jump to conclusions about bpd being a persons CHOICE to have episodes, splitting, dissociation etc. Calling someone abusive because you can’t learn to stop aggravating their triggers is not their fault. Calling someone abusive because you actively engage with their toxic behaviours positively at times instead of reinforcing it’s not something you want doesn’t help them but instead promotes them to feel it’s something you enjoy as an act of passion. Giving a person with bpd a false sense you understand their episodes, splitting, dissociation, rage, etc doesnt help them, they believe you understand their toxic behaviour isn’t a choice and that you are aware that they have no intention of causing you any problems, if they believed it was ever a problem then YOU are the person who should have left if their uncontrollable mental illness caused you pain. They don’t mind read and won’t know you find it too much, you wouldn’t call a person with depression abusive for always being depressed? How is a person with borderline abusive for having INHERENT CHARACTERISTICS of the illness such as dissociation, rage, suicidal ideation, abandonment issues etc. Staying around when they are clearly unaware that you feel ‘abused’ by their behaviours isn’t ever going to end well. Allowing them to believe that they will always have your love and that you understand that their illness is not their choice but is a daily battle that sometimes will fail and they will split, they will experience the common characteristics of the illness, giving them the impression you don’t judge them and that you understand them and are happy... you can’t then call their behaviour abuse when it no longer suits you because they’ve never been aware that it made you feel that way if you didn’t leave them ... it will instead destroy them internally when they discover they’ve never been understood by you at all.