Petey Piranha's Odd Voyage

(Note: Petey’s unintelligible noises have been translated for your convenience.)

(Out in the ocean, a ship is sailing. Petey Piranha, the captain of the ship, is writing something in his journal.)

Captain Petey: (Captain’s log, Day 32. I question the ability of this ship to flawlessly steer herself without the need of a wheel. But nevertheless, we grow ever closer to reaching the Promised Land. As I write this, however, I realise that my handwriting is completely incomprehensible.)

(He stares down at his “handwriting”, literally nothing more than squiggly lines drawn haphazardly across both pages.)

Captain Petey: (This is bullsh*t!)

(He tosses the book as hard as he can. It explodes just offscreen.)

(One of his crewmates trots up to him.)

First Mate Game and Watch: Captain, we have reached the island.

Captain Petey: (Why do you insist on fabricating these fibs? I do not see a single inch of land within our vicinity.)

First Mate Game and Watch: I saw it with my own two lack of eyeballs! Take a gander through the spyglass.

(The Captain takes a look.)

Captain Petey: (That is a cardboard box! You are an absolute dipstick in every sense of the word, and I cannot fathom how you made such a mistake.)

First Mate Game and Watch: …I was looking through the wrong end of the telescope.

(Captain Petey punts the incompetent First Mate into the sun.)

Captain Petey: (…I could use a really big swig.)

(As he takes out a bottle to chug from, *CRASH!* Thunder and lightning! A grey fog descends upon the ship as Captain Petey goes to investigate. Another ship looms out of the fog for dramatic effect.)

Captain Petey: (It can’t be!)

(But it could! As the rest of the crew gather around their captain, the fog clears to reveal several familiar crocodilian figures aboard the other ship.)

Kaptain K. Rool: Hit it, boys!

(The Kremling on his left activates the boombox on his shoulder, playing an extremely bass-boosted version of Gangplank Galleon. Krusha, on his right, pulls out a realistic minigun and fires upon the other ship. Captain Petey and his crew duck for cover.)

Captain Petey, to Shipwright Shulk: (Activate the emergency thrusters!)

(Shulk pulls out a remote and presses the large button. The ship then grows rocket thrusters and blasts off from the water. Captain Petey and his crew scream as they hang on for dear life. Eventually, the ship reaches low orbit, then plummets down to Earth. Somehow, without burning up, she crashes back down to sea, completely unharmed.)

(Captain Petey hesitates, then takes a really big swig from his bottle. As he empties the bottle, Crewmate Toon Link walks up to him.)

Crewmate Toon Link: How do we do it, Captain? How do we defeat the Kremling menace? And more importantly, why did you choose to install cannons on this ship without actually bringing any cannonballs?

(Before Captain Petey can consider smashing his bottle against this impudent child’s head…)

Crewmate Meggy: Captain! I’ve spotted the island close by!

(There it is! Without a second thought, the ship speeds off like a motorbike to her destination. Before Captain Petey can celebrate his victory, however…)

*CLANG!*

(The ship comes to an abrupt stop.)

Captain Petey: (Who dares?!)

(The crew peeks over the edge. The obstruction that stopped the ship in her tracks is nothing more than a small raft, manned by a tiny Mii dressed as a sailor.)

Captain Petey: (…AAAHAHAHAH!)

(The sight is so hilarious, the crew can’t help but laugh! But before Shipwright Shulk can wipe his tears, a cannonball bigger than a man crashes down on top of his head, leaving a massive hole in the deck. The rest of the crew stop laughing and stare in shock.)

(The Mii Sailor puts away her shoulder-mounted cannon and speeds off towards the island.)

Captain Petey: (I shan’t let this journey be all for naught! Activate the thrusters!)

Shipwright Shulk, from within the hole: But Captain-!

Captain Petey: (DO IT!)

(Shulk does as he’s told. The ship rockets off at full speed once again. Meanwhile, the Mii Sailor gets off her raft and continues the journey on foot, Captain Petey in pursuit. However, the sight in front of them causes them to stop dead in their tracks.)

Boombox:

“…Interior crocodile alligator

I drive a Chevrolet movie theatre…”

(The Kremlings have reached the treasure first! Kaptain K. Rool cuts his own celebration short, and Forward Smashes Krusha away to face the intruders. The music stops.)

Captain Petey: (I highly question the feasibility of this situation.)

Kaptain K. Rool: This is my gold! I found it fair and square! So make like a tree, and BACK OFF!

Captain Petey: (That joke is only funny when I do it!)

(The captain and kaptain square off. Kaptain K. Rool brandishes his minigun. Before he can do anything, however, the Mii Sailor slaps the weapon out of his hands, knocking it into the ocean. A valiant effort, if futile. K. Rool Forward Smashes her into orbit. He then readies his boxing gloves.)

Kaptain Krusha K. Rool: Compared to me, even without firearms, you are just a CROC of shit!

*sitcom laugh*

Captain Petey: (That’s what YOU think. Watch this!)

(He charges up a Forward Smash of his own… and smacks K. Rool with his leaf. It barely scratches the croc’s thick hide.)

Kaptain Krusha K. Rool: …

(He responds with a punch of his own, knocking Petey onto his back.)

Kaptain Krusha K. Rool: Time to return you to the dirt, plant boy!

(He charges up his Forward Smash to the max. Before he can make good on his word, however…)

*SPLAT!*

(He is squished into a FLAT FUCK!)

(The Mii Sailor is standing above him, holding her raft atop her head. Captain Petey joins her at the side.)

Captain Petey: (…We win!)

(Both he and the Mii Sailor jump up in joy as a victory fanfare plays.)

(Source: BagelBoy)

Can you imagine how wild it must be to be Donnel in Fire Emblem Awakening?

Like, okay. Your a dude living in your village. It’s a pretty swell life. You live with your ma and your familial clan on the farm and things are pretty chill. The one thing setting you apart from everyone else is that you’re mildly okay at stabbing things than other kids your age.

And then bandits attack, which sucks, but then you run into the LITERAL PRINCE OF YOUR COUNTRY and his band of super-soldier badasses and  you’re like “Hey! Bandits are attacking! Help us!”

And, you know, the Prince is a cool guy and he agrees to help you out, but he’s also like “YO, YOU SHOULD HELP US STAB ALL THE BANDITS!”

Uh, Sir? I am Poor. I have a pitchfork and a pot on my head. do I look like the kind of person who should stab bandits professionally?

“NO, NO. TRUST ME. YOU’LL BE AWESOME AT IT!”

So, almost against your will, your fighting alongside nobility and royalty and people are throwing fucking magic around that you’ve probably only ever heard legends about, but, hey, turns out you’re REALLY good at stabbing people. What luck! And you’re not dead so the Prince offers to let you join his army of badasses.

So now you’re here, a fucking kid with a pot on his head, and you’re fighting alongside heroes of myth and legend and they seem to expect you to be as badass as they are and you start training like hell because it’s either improve or die.

Like, can you just imagine? Like, actually getting sucked into this world of geo-political magic and apocalypses and you have a fucking bucket on your head?

And I always get him and Lissa to S-Support so he’s marrying into literal royalty too.

And then your kid from the future shows up.

Like, I just think Donnel deserves more appreciation.

Mario: So, since Death Battle can do mythological figures now apparently, start naming ‘em.

Link: Cu Chulainn vs Achilles. Battle of the angery spear bois.

Samus: King Arthur vs Gilgamesh. Legendary Kings putting their money where their mouth is.

Pit: Sigurd/Siegfried vs Saint George. Dragonslayers going at it. Winner fights Saint Martha and the Tarasque.

Mario, truning to the audience: Pitch your own ideas! We’d love to hear ‘em!

Mario, but it's still just Ryan Reynolds in overalls and a Mario hat with an obviously fake mustache.

Daisy: I had to be at my best for this. Now? Nothing can stand in my way.

I have seen bullet train, and it is amazing. In fact, it had no right being as good as it was! Just, really hilarious all around with some surprising emotional beats. Literally every set-up had pay-off and it was a truly rewarding experience. Loved it!

Now,

BULLET TRAIN - SMASH EDITION

Ladybug: Luigi

Lemon and Tangerine: Wario and Waluigi

The Father: Richter Belmont

The Elder: Simon Belmont

The Prince: Zelda

The White Death: Dracula

The Hornet: Sheik

The Wolf: Wolf O'Donnell

The Son: Sonic

I respond to Allfather or Queen Mother

Ganondorf: (Wielding the Triforce) Imagine. I now possess the power to end hunger. To abolish disease. To eliminate crime. To establish a perfectly content, perfectly ordered world — all under the benevolence of MY IRON WILL!

Absolutely

As I intended. Thank you.

Samus: It'd be great, if I wasn't acutely aware of my bones calcifying with every year that passes.

Maybe. I'm still recovering from my tonsillitis and some serious burnout, but I've been turning it over in my head, thinking about where I could take it. Maybe one day.

“So you’re just going to tell a simple story of Good vs Evil?”

And what, pray tell, is simple about good fighting evil?

What, pray tell, is simple about finding the courage to fight against overwhelming malice and darkness. Where is the simplicity in uniting the frail and fallible hearts of humanity against evil that would consume us? Where is the simple in finding the courage to endure and last against the shadow that never falters or stops in its assault?

When all good, from the smallest flickering candle to the mightiest star, must stand against all consuming darkness, where is the simple in that? Where is the simplicity in protecting ourselves from evil. In finding way to shield our hearts and souls from temptation and hate. What part of keeping good and hope and love alive is simple?

When despair claws at the heart and soul, and all seems lost, how is finding the will to keep fighting, to keep trying, to keeping dying against something that seems inexhaustible simple? What is simple about keeping yourself good, about keeping yourself from falling into the seductive trap of “for the greater good” to excuse evil actions in pursuit of vanquishing evil?

So, I ask again, what is simple, about good vs. evil?

Link: What if I strapped a bomb to my boomerang? Could this be an effective weapon?

Galeem: Aerodynamics aside, I’m curious what tactical advantage you’re expecting to gain by having the high explosive fly back at you if it misses the target.

Astrology with Dark Pit: Gemini

Master Hand: And now, I give you: Astrology with Dark Pit!

*Dark Pit appears next to his light counterpart, Pit*

Dark Pit: Today, we'll be talking about Gemini: Sign of the Twins.

Pit: Is that why I'm here? Because we look like twins?

Dark Pit: Yes, now shut up and let me do this. Anyway, if you're a Gemini, you've probably experienced deja vu, the feeling that this moment has happened before.

Pit: Hey, I've felt that before.

Dark Pit: And, you also experience deja vu, the feeling that this moment has happened before.

Pit: Hey, I've felt that before.

Dark Pit: Shut it, Pit-stain! To continue, this month, Gemini's moon is in Uranus. So, you smell funny.

Pit: Hey! That's not true! I was in a hot spring just yesterday!

Dark Pit, ignoring him: My prediction for Gemini: You will experience deja vu, the feeling that this moment has happened before.

Pit: Hey, I've felt that before.

*Dark Pit uses his Electroshock Arm to get rid of Pit*

Dark Pit: I'm Dark Pit, your Smash Bros astrologer, reminding you not to touch my stuff.

*Pittoo goes over to keep beating up Pit for being annoying*

Me, who does not play Guilty Gear nor have any reasonable idea of what it is: Good for her!