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i didn't kill marilyn monroe

@fbi-agent-watching-you / fbi-agent-watching-you.tumblr.com

Heya there, I’m SD, an FBI agent watching you through your phone/computer screen. I’m an overly ominous cryptid that honestly just wants what’s best for you. Please, take your shoes off at the door and make yourself at home. You might be here for a while.
Anonymous asked:

Did John Mulaney kill Princess Diana?

Well it definitely seems like the most probably answer. And it wasn’t me, that’s for sure

Anonymous asked:

Youre awesome

Thank you!! I deleted the tumblr app off my phone, so I haven’t been on here much. But thanks for the good vibes, and I hope everyone feels better soon, I’ve been watching and it’s been a crazy week. Drink more water!

the twitter thread the artist created after this was one of the best situations i have ever seen in my whole life:

Somebody give this ignoramus a piece of actual shark skin and tell him to rub his face with it, let him find out just how “smooth” sharks really are.

Somebody did. I use it as a pillowcase because it’s so smooth.

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crystallotusfr

But buddy.

Shark skin feels exactly like sandpaper. It is made up of tiny teeth-like structures called placoid scales, also known as dermal denticles. These scales point towards the tail and help to reduce friction from surrounding water when the shark swims. … In the opposite direction, it feels very rough like sandpaper.

Buddy. It’s smooth. The link you sent me led to a website that described how smooth they are. I dunno, maybe you don’t know how to read?

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this post is transcendent

You’re thinking of dolphins. Dolphins are the ones with smooth skin that feels like a rubber beach ball.

Source: I’M A MARINE BIOLOGIST

No, I’m thinking of sharks.

Source: I’m a superior marine biologist

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maetyu-y
vampireapologist-archive-deacti

I am FULL losing it over these people arguing over whether or not Queen Boleyn deserved to be executed because they aren’t arguing from a modern perspective they LITERALLY sound like people FROM 1536.

SHE SWORE TWICE ON THE HOLY SACRAMENT!!! Didn’t you KNOW that!!

I tell everyone this and I mean it. Buy a journal. Carry it with you everywhere you go. And I mean everywhere. Write about your favorite moments, your least favorite moments, ideas, grocery lists, people you’ve met, strangers you’ve walked past on the street, favorite quotes, words to remember, what the sky looked like at 7pm, new songs you’ve discovered and what they mean to you, your childhood, places you want to go or places you’ve been, write about your passions, how you feel in this exact moment, draw out the mountains, scribble all over the pages. And when that one gets full, buy a new one. Reread it in 2 years, 20 years, when you need a good laugh, when you’re crying on your bathroom floor, read it to your children. You need to remember these moments in your life. They are so important.

living in the countryside really strikes the fear of god into you at the most random moments. you’ll just make eye contact with a cow or stare for too long into a brook and all of a sudden you’ll think something like “these are old bones and i am merely a passing occupant” and then you have to go and put the kettle on to cope

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godscasket

me:

the hare staring at me from across the field: which one of your lives is this?

me, legging it: okay tea time i think

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Sperm whale mimics a spinning diver.

Humans: *encounters Earth’s Largest Carnivore, who would could swallow them whole, probably*

Human: … Spin?

Earth’s largest carnivore, with a brain that weighs almost as much as this naked beach ape*: SPIN!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SPERM WHALES ARE CARNIVORES

I THOUGHT THEY ATE KRILL AND STUFF LIKE OTHER WHALES

Nope! Sperm whales eat extremely large deep-sea squids, like the Giant and Colossal Squids. They have also been known to opportunistically eat dead whales, sharks, and seals, but not actively hunt them. They got real big teeth for it too:

However, they only have teeth on thier bottom jaw!  they have corresponding holes in their top jaw for the teeth to lock into, which makes hanging onto a slippery, boneless squid:

It should be noted that the human here isn’t in particular danger of being eaten on purpose, but an accidental swing of it’s multi-ton head, a clip from the teeth, or being directly in the line of it’s sonar could seriously injure or kill them- Divers that have been in the direct line of echolocation for a sperm whale calf have described being hit with the soundwave like “being kicked by a horse” and some have suffered internal organ damage.  Sperm whales, like other large whales, aren’t particularly aggressive towards humans, but they are still very large wild animals who behave in unpredictable ways.

I know that in US waters, it’s illegal to intentionally come within 300 yards of any whale or dolphin, and if one appears closer you should turn off your engine or stop paddling to avoid accidental injury to you or it.  This human is doing something dangerous and ill-advised, but it’s still hopeful that we can love something like a 130,000 lb deep-diving, squid-eating Oceanic former ungulate.

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dwynnie

Im.sorry I’ve lived my entire life not realizing that echolocation could possibly be felt and I have to come to terms with the fact that whales have sonic attacks

Libraries are so bizarre like you can just walk into this building and REMOVe books and they LET you I feel ike I’m stealing or something but they’re cool with it and I just give them back in like a week

so apparently Avengers: Endgame is at a high demand that some AMC locations will be open for 72 hours straight the weekend it is released. I, for one hope that the workers get paid overtime, but I just wanna tell you guys to PLEASE be EXTRA NICE to AMC workers this weekend. They are working very hard to give us a good experience watching the film. Treat service workers kind this weekend please!