and another thing, like this is why i dont like to get involved w ppl cuz look how much emotional energy i invested into this when i should just be excited for my opening! but no i gotta be obsessing over smthng stupid i did tht i already cant change

i want to release myself from this anxiety tho bro like, yeah it was kind of a jerk move but it was NOT that evil and not nearly the worst thing out there & i can just apologize tomorrow

im just annoyed i can’t sleep cuz it’s 1 am and i have a big day tomorrow but i’m sitting here just roiling in guilt bc i kind of sort of ditched a guy tht i wasn’t interested in dating after going on 3 dates & making out with him literally once like it is NOT tht deep

ok this dude offered me to be on his spotify premium family plan bc i don’t pay for a music ap and im so glad i said no bc like, imagine i had said yes? i knew i was right to view it as a marriage proposal like why are u trying to tie me down so quickly

who do u think i am

i will say theres a lot of dating discourse tht makes me kind of feel brainwashed like all the talk about like, oh your walls are up bc you’re just scared of letting people in.. like maybe they are up bc i just simply do not like tht person so much... 

but im always second guessing myself like oh am i just afraid of feeling feelings? but honestly i would rather not feel feelings thn force myself to be in a thing i am not really interested in

anyway i had to sort of reject this guy & like, i didn’t do it in the most mature way i kind of ditched him and idk i’m trying not to stew in guilt over it, but honestly i’m stewing a little. 

i honestly kind of hate that theres nothin ever rly completely wrong w these dudes im just literally like wow.... i am mysteriously not into u

here it is on its own :)

I’ve never been in a show before, but tonight I was in a group show called Pandemic Residuals... this piece was about my intense love affair with chinese wuxia show Word of Honor and the two main actors, Zhang Zhehan and Gong Jun. During the pandemic I was in a relationship, and then I wasn’t in one. Going through heartbreak during a pandemic is isolating, and after the healing, after the big move, after the journey to find myself again... the pandemic wasn’t over. Isolation, loneliness and an overabundance of time made watching 50 one hour episodes of asian television not only possible, but necessary.  Still... watching this show, watching these actors... for awhile, it reminded me that love is real.

also been watching a lot of movies w thoughts on faith, specifically catholicism & jesus etc & it just makes me think about how if i had children i most def wouldn’t take ‘em to church, but how that’s also a bit sad bc these types of movies and art wont resonate with them at all... 

lately been drawn to so much spiritual art, hoping i can infuse that spirit into future things I make <3