When you’re a ‘recovered’ anorexic and you should be worried about that fact that you’ve randomly dropped 15kg in the last 6 months even though you eat all the food and never exercise and you are most certainly not engaging in ED behaviours, but that little part of your brain is triggered and you’re welcoming the fact you fit into a size 8 again and starting to look tiny. I hate myself and I’m scared because I’m enjoying this

Hurt

You hurt me so bad that all I want to do is climb into a tower in a secret location and guard my heart from the world. I want to lock my heart in a steel cage and encapsulate it in charms and witchcraft so it can never be opened. You held my hand and led me down the path into the woods, and then you let go and you disappeared. Only for you to reappear weeks later and cut my heart out of my chest and throw it to the birds. You hurt me in ways I never knew were possible, by lying. I hurt myself in ways I never knew were possible, by loving you. And somehow, I still do. And I hate myself for it

You might be terrified of being hurt again, but right now you're hurting me. And I know I'm never going to say anything because I care so much more about you than I do myself.

Someday I still feel like I have a hornets nest living in my head and I wish for nothing more than to open my skull and drown them with water for a moment of peace. But then I remember how many hornets nest's I had living in there eight months ago, and how I drowned myself every night in my own tears - because to kill the hornets I thought I had to kill myself. Some days I'm not sure how I survived the last few months spent in my hometown without someone finding my broken bones on the floor of my bedroom unable to breathe. All I know is, sometimes now, my mind is overwhelmed and my body exhausted, but I'm not as self destructive as I used to be. And I'm somehow learning to cope. Baby steps