someone

You have a serious reading problem!!

Not me, screaming answers along with the cast during David Schwimmer's trivia game on Friends: The Reunion

2021

kith

twenty one pilots / redecorate

Lizard achieves peek relaxation

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His fave toy �

If modern day birds are the descendants of dinosaurs, it’s quite conceivable that dinosaurs would have tasted delicious.

Instagram: karayiib

— The Master and Margarita (via neckkiss)

A depressed hero sits alone, gazing at a scrapbook full of newspaper clippings entailing his past battles and rise to fame, which all seem meaningless now as he considers retirement, he hears a knock at the door and finds his arch-nemesis, with a pack of beer and the goal of changing his mind.

They marched into the apartment, not waiting for the hero to invite them. They slammed the pack of beer down on the table, the scrapbook rattling at the force.

“Listen, motherfucker,” They glared. “Whatever this is﹣” They waved frantically at the messy, drab apartment “﹣it needs to stop. If you quit, then your agency is gonna send John to replace you.” They spat out the name like venom. “And I refuse to fight him. He is a disappointment to the name of heroes.”

“What’s wrong with John?” He questioned, “If anything he is better than me. He’s motivated, strong and a hell of a﹣”

“What’s wrong with John?” They imitated, pitching their voice up high. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong with John. He’s pathetic and a bigot. I would rather stand on the wrong end of my flamethrower than fight him.”

They grabbed the pack of beer and shoved it into his chest. “Now, You’re gonna drink this and have a little pity party. Meanwhile, I,” They gestured dramatically to themselves. “am gonna be preparing for my heist tomorrow. One that had to be delayed because of you.” They stabbed a finger at his chest. “And if I see fucking John at the goddamned bank stopping me, your agency will be loose not one, but two heroes in a very short timeframe.”

They walked past him after they stopped, pulling the door open. “Good day,” They shouted walking out.

“But wai﹣” He started.

“I said ‘Good day.’” They yelled stubbornly, slamming the door shut.

Aliens have captured you, and placed you in one of their nature preserves. However, they have sorely miscalculated on two issues: The amount of calories needed to keep a persistence predator sated, and the lethality/brutality of a hangry human.

first alien scientist in hover car: i don’t understand, all these creatures thrived together in the original environment, why is it eating them to extinction here?

second alien scientist: maybe we should add more crayfish? it ate the whole population in one sitting, that was kind of a surprise.

me, without looking up from scraping a caribou hide: i can hear you, assholes.

alien scientists: (staring)

me: yeah, i learned your language. you keep sitting there talking about me like i can’t hear you, that’s gonna happen.

first scientist: fascinating. we knew you were arguably sentient, but… (making notes)

second scientist: why are you eating everything? your food requirement in your home environment was less than half this.

me: i didn’t have to catch it myself, you idiots! you yoinked me out of the middle of a camping trip! i bought all that food at a store! i bought my CLOTHES at a store. i bought my BEDDING at a store. I DID NOT HAVE TO KILL MY OWN TENT.

me, finally looking up, shaking a flint knife at them: what the hell kind of scientists could go to earth and not notice the dominant species lives in cities? did you just swoop by in a hurry and grab everything out of the park without looking?

scientists: (silence)

me: … oh my god.

scientists: we’re grad students.

your first column of emojis describes your personality! what’s yours?

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—

Smart boy

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i'm happiest when left alone with books, internet connection and food.

[screaming louder]

SAAAAVE ME