Perhaps one day...

So using imovie I put together a collection of pictures I have of LaLa. If you have read my previous posts you know she was someone I loved very much and due to circumstances beyond our control, we could never be together. She has since moved on and had to eliminate me from her life because of the country she lives in and how men treat women. Anyway, I put some of my favorite pictures of her together and set them to my favorite song. Now I watch this movie every few weeks to remind myself what a great thing I had if only for a while. Every time I watch it my heart fills with love. I genuinely wish I could talk to her one more time to be sure she knows how much she is loved no matter what is happening in her life. Perhaps one day...

Just in case LaLa sees this know that I thought of you on your birthday and I hope it was the best birthday yet.

Happy belated birthday from Hector.

Been thinking a lot about LaLa lately. I really miss her. Luckily I have many pictures of her that I can look at and remember her by. I got her permission to keep them before we parted. They remind me of a happier time. Happier for me and I think happy for her though I can’t say happier. I assume things are going well for LaLa since I haven’t heard from her in months. I truly wish things could be different. I love you LaLa, and I pray you are happy and safe. Just in case you see this I am sending pictures of my dog, I know you would love him…

I don’t think LaLa sees my posts any more and that is so sad. But just in case you happen to see this I want you to know I still think about you often, and have many fond memories of our talks. I hope you are happy, that your engagement is going well and you are being treated like you deserve to be treated.

Not a bad way to spend an evening. A nice fire, my best companion and peace and quiet. Fires always get me thinking. Tonight I’m thinking about how things might have been different if I had been able to go to visit LaLa in her country. Or if our country had an easier path for entry. She might have come here. Of course it is worthless to worry about what might have been. But fires make me think.

I am surprised at how hard it has been on my daughters that LaLa has left for ever. I knew they would be sad because of how sad it makes me but I did not expect them to cry so hard for so long. I wonder how long I will go on thinking about her every day. Wondering if she is ok, if she is happy. I will never know if she becomes a mom…these are things I know she would love to share with me and it just seems ridiculous that man thinks so little of himself that he forbids his girlfriend from talking to an old friend. Especially when you consider that I am an old friend, that I live thousands of miles away and that we have never met in person and have no plans to.

Once again it has been a long time between posts. As time has gone on my LaLa has moved farther and farther away from me. Then she thought her relationship was over and she reached out and I thought we could begin a more regular chat. Not like before but with more consistency. And then just like that she disappeared again. For weeks I heard nothing even after reaching out. I was very worried something bad had happened to her and I would be left to wonder. Well she finally reached out last night just long enough to tell me she was getting engaged and that we would not be talking ever again. With that she said goodbye and was gone.

Even after all this time I felt a profound loss. It hurt my heart that she so easily dismissed me. I mean I saw it coming or at least knew it was a possibility but I wasn’t prepared for how quickly she said goodbye forever. I’m so sad. My daughters cried and that made it worse. I won’t forget her or the great couple of years we had. I learned a lot about life from a girl half my age. She will always have a special place in my heart.

I think it would be easier for me if I believed she was going into a good healthy relationship but it does not sound like that is true based on our conversations. I don’t believe he will treat her well and I don’t trust that he can be faithful. What I do believe is that her culture puts a tremendous amount of pressure on girls to be married. And I believe her parents put additional pressure on her. I also believe that she feels like she might not get another chance despite the fact that she is smart, funny and very good at what she does. And she is beautiful besides. I worry that she is settling and that she will be unhappy and unable to do anything about it. And that makes me very sad.

I hope that if she ever does find herself free of the misogynistic situation she is in that she will remember me. And that she will reach out and talk to me again. I will never forget my beautiful Arab.

So it has been quite some time since I posted anything. I guess Covid has prevented most of us from doing much that is interesting. I spent the Fall attending my daughters soccer games. She had a good year, 33 goals and 17 assists in 20 games. She lost in the New York State semi-finals. Next year, her last in high school will be sad for me. She only had 36 hours after her soccer loss before her first hockey practice. She is off to a good start there too. The team is 6-1-2 and she has 5 goals and 6 assists. I will be retired as of February 23rd so I will see every game her senior season. That is important to me, and to her I think. My other daughter is doing well too. She is a senior in college, living on her own and paying rent. She has a job and has become rather independent. I get that that is a necessary part of growing up but I’m her dad, nobody asked me if I was ready for her to be gone…I’m not. This blog began so I could write to and about LaLa. She went her own way and has grown leaps and bounds without me. We have continued to talk from time to time and for that I am thankful. I am so proud of her for all she has accomplished and for all she has gone through to get there. We have texted quite a lot the last couple of days and it serves to remind me how much I miss her. How lucky I am to have met her, to have had her such a big part of my life for a few years. I am definitely better for having known her.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CPkSvftjsnn/?utm_medium=copy_link LaLa have you seen this?

Outlook

After years I opened outlook today and found three emails that my LaLa sent 3 or 4 years ago. It was one year after we met and we were inseparable. They made me both happy and sad...Happy because it was obvious she loved me and I stupidly took that for granted and lost her as a result. That is the sadness. And yet I can’t really be sad. She is better off now, better without me bogging her down. Better because I could offer her very little beyond a love I didn’t even know I had until she left. I think she would tell you that I filled an important roll at a critical time in her life and I think she would say she is happy we met and happy we had our time together. It was a wonderful time. I miss her. I miss her needing me. I hate that she doesn’t need to talk to me any more. I hate that I am selfish. I will always cherish the time we spent. I will always cherish LaLa.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my LaLa. I hope you have a good day and that you stay happy and healthy.

Been a while...

I thought maybe I would hear from LaLa on Christmas or maybe New Years Eve but I got nothing. Not that she owes me anything but she has been out of touch for a long time. Oh well there is nothing I can do about it. I miss her, even this new version of her. 

LaLa I wish you all the best going forward in 2021. I pray it will be better for you and your family. I will always be here if you need me...

I had that coming...

This is where I wish I could hug LaLa and make the pain go away...