Apathetic

“i remember thinking: how could you ever fall in love with someone like me? a girl so weak, a girl so broken, a girl so needy that she can’t just have one to support her. it wasn’t long before i realized you’re the same. you’re weak, broken, and you couldn’t just have one. how could i of ever fallen in love with someone like you?”

“May 18, 2017. You are the best and the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me, no matter how much of a hard time i gave you, you deserved it. I hate how you didn’t know it, but i wanted it to work out— everything. Everything about you, about me, about us having the potential to be something beautiful. Every time you gave me a reason not to trust you, i let it slowly cut me and i end up blaming myself for not hating you. What amazed me about you though, was that, despite how many times they told me that you didn’t deserved me, i always went back. I went back, so I would never have to live with the fact that I threw away something that felt so right— you and me felt so right. It kills me no matter how much I wanted you to be mature enough, to not screw me over, you couldn’t do that. Then one night, you stopped talking to me over something that you shouldn’t even hold against me within the circumstances. But regardless, i will always want to be able to be your friend. That’s my weakness, i guess. I can’t stay mad at you. I can’t back away from someone everyone says doesn’t deserve to be in my life at all. Even though our relationship wasn’t a fairytale at all, no, this isn’t regret; we had our reasons ending it— and they were valid as ever. But, don’t you think how ironic it is, that back at the start, we didn’t need reasons to fall in love; we just did. And to the girl who i might guess is way better than me, I don’t know what made you stoop so low as to hurt me in this way. Even now I am finding it hard to clearly express my feelings toward something like this. He moved on, and so did you. So what made you decide you wanted to have him inside you again? I have waited for so long to be able to be with him, to call him mine and now things will never be the same. Don’t take this as me implying he is without fault. But I’m really trying to wrap my head around how you can know what it’s like to be cheated on. I don’t think any of this will accomplish anything, considering I doubt you will ever hear of it a single time in your life, but I can still hope that you do. And I can still hope that one day you’ll grow up and realize that just because you are not getting what you want, doesn’t mean you need to make other people unhappy.”

GIF by thechoiceswemade

“I didnt know how it felt to be cheated on until now. its like seeing the love of your life being ripped from you. the love you had for someone suddenly has to be gone. you cant love that person anymore. how could you? they didnt just break up with you. they didnt just leave. they made you feel like you were the only one, when you werent. you werent the only one he was calling baby, princess, or baby girl. you werent the only person he said i love you to. the moment when i realized i fell hard keeps playing over and over in my mind. its all i can think about. i can sleep. i cant eat. i cant breathe. i cant function. not only did i lose the person i loved most, i lost trust in everyone. i truly believe that every single person i talk to is lying to me. it makes me second guess every soul around me. past and present. i dont have faith anymore. i lost everything. and to think it was all some joke to him. he enjoyed leading me on. he liked lying to me. he loved it. and the girl is as much to blame. “you are only mad because i have what you thought you had, but never did”. no words have ever fucked me up in the head that much. how could this happen to me? i still dont understand. im broken. im not the same. i will never be the same.”

“She knows what you’ve done behind her back. But she’s too in love to let you go. So she pretends like she doesn’t know.”

“You had decided I just wasn’t good enough. Good enough for the truth , for a reason behind everything you did . That I just wasn’t good enough.”

“Guess you proved me right.. All the second guessing, all the secrets and lies, all the ways you showed your affection, all the I love you’s All were given just a little better to her then me.. and in the end She “won” But this is a loss I’m fine with taking It’s the ideal way of seeing things.. you can’t hurt me anymore”

“Okay girls, I hear you, I know how it feels to be lied to, stepped on, used, abused mentally and physically, I know how it feels to be cheated on and how the aftermath of all of that hurts and cuts to your core but guess what? None of that defines who you are. You define who you are, every second, every minute, every hour of every day. You wake up in the morning get dressed and you decide how you are going to think about you. Because you know what, no matter how many people have lied to you, stepped on you, used you, ext YOU write your own life, you write your own story. Yes our pasts are hard and we spend a lot of time thinking about the past but what’s there? Nothing but hurt and heartache but only you can put an end to that hurt. You have to be the one to look yourself in the mirror and say “ I am strong, I am smart, I am beautiful” and you can’t let your past dictate who you are. I know you want people to like you and I know you don’t want to feel alone but guess what, you’re not alone! There are so many of us out there going threw the exact same thing. We know how it feels to not be someones favorite that you wish you were, we know how it feels to come second to the people that are most important in your life, trust me, we know exactly what you are going through all to well but, guess what, that ends the day YOU want it to. It’s time to start being you again, it’s time to start being us again. we need to take back our dignity and show people who we really are and WE are the ones that are going to have to do that. we can’t have someone else do it for us. It has to be us. no more covering up the hurt or pain, no more putting on that fake smile and pretending everything is alright. If we want to make it in this world WE have to find that way to make it. It’s up to us ladies to write out future and together we can and, we will! Say goodbye to the past and all the pain that goes along with it and let it go. Starting today YOU are a new you. Your aren’t going to let people tear you down or break you because you are strong, you are smart, and you are beautiful. So stop believing everything everyone has always told you and start believing in yourself. I believe in you, those of us who know what you are going through believe in you and that right there ladies should be enough to start your future and make it what you want it to be. It starts today!”

“I just want to be someone’s treasure that they never want to part with, the sparkle in their life like the beam of the sun or the burn of a flame. But I am nothing, I am ash on the ground and a rusted penny at the bottom of a pond, no luck.. no treasure..”

“You get all the happiness and the love of those around you, and I get nothing but the cold empty bed. I get nothing, but the silence that echoes across our home. I get all the painful memories of a time when we were in love- and I’m stuck. No not stuck, but paralyzed. I loved you too fast, and too hard.”

“The track is set on repeat and I sink into the waves of depression. that I feel trapped in an oubliette. I forgot how to see, I cannot even give a plea, not even forming a question, why, why, why, beating like a drum, do you think I’m dumb? I feel like my facial expression is carved into a pained smile, stuck, immobile for a long while. Can you climb up these burnt stairs, reach me to wipe all these tears, to build the harbor again so I can trust? Maybe it’s time for me to build a boat, settle back into my wanderlust, cause mistrust settles in like an ache and I no longer want to be heartache, but lost within cosmic dreams as I fall apart at the seams, tripping up stairs in a different extreme. I am locked into this nonaggression, floating in an ocean of thoughts, shoulda, coulda, woulda all in a succession, chasing around like a favorite song on replay, no prayer left to have hope cause you just had to betray. Now I’m walking this tightrope, an infinity of rage and love, and all you will get from me is a nope. I never put on any airs, never thought I was perfect, but I thought I was enough, damn, being caught unaware is like being pushed down the stairs, don’t want to get up, don’t want to climb back up, and you can just drink this bitter cup cause I’ll go my own way cause your discretion and your lack of confession might as well have done the deed. Shut the door to the stairway, it’s time for the track to not be on replay, it’s the end of the day or maybe it is only the daybreak, the beginning of heartache, the ruin of you and I.”

“how many times do i have to say ‘its okay’ for me to realize it’s not okay and it never was..?”