a better son/daughter

Favs, acceptance (did I spend about 20 minutes agonising over whether I wanted to angle for the future happy ending of dweller!verse or the au I wrote in my head where Take From Me has a tommyjon happy ending even though I know that's against the entire artistic purpose of that work? I did. did I also consider "Tommy, cruel" bc sometimes I am a masochist? I did. anyway have fun)

FAVS ACCEPTANCE MADE ME SAAAAD , how did you know i had this tiny snippet waiting in the depths of my divorce verse gdoc? carefully trimmed to avoid any spoilers because this verse REALLY got away from me and is absolutely silly and unpostable at this point. 

(and “tommy, cruel” really makes me want to finish my 5-reasons-lovett-wasnt-a-groomsman fic so… stay tuned ??? maybe?) 

—-

“You know you’re still the same person, right?” Lovett’s staring into the pool. “Like, your whole personality is still the same. You’re not like some kind of alien now, you’re just gay. It’s not that different.” 

For some reason Jon’s throat clenches up. He swallows hard. 

“I don’t know,” he manages to say. “It feels different.” 

“Well it’s not. And if they’re making it feel like that, that’s on them.” 

“Come on.” Jon chokes a laugh. “It’s no one else’s fault that I did what I did.” 

Lovett’s quiet for a long second. 

“You want to know what I think?” he says finally. 

Jon’s not sure. He stays silent. 

“It was weird. At first. Even for me. Not because I thought you lied. But because I had to, like, rethink so many things I thought I knew about you. And- and realize that there was something about you I was just, like, totally blind to.” 

Jon’s holding himself so tightly he can’t breathe. He feels like they just took a dangerous sharp turn in this conversation but he can’t say a word to stop it. “And I guess- I guess it made me sad. To think about all the time where- where we could have had this thing in common and we didn’t. And I-” he sucks in a breath. “It made me think of what my mom said when I came out to her in high school. That she was sad that I had been going through it alone. I guess it made me sad to think of you going through it alone for so long. Like, I know how lonely it is. I know you don’t think I get it, but I do.” 

Jon blinks and his eyes fill up, hot. He looks away. 

“And it took me a while. To like- reconcile it in my head, you know? And- and I think maybe I was so focused on it in my own head that I just, like- I just let you keep going through it alone. And I’m- I’m sorry for that. I should’ve been a better friend.” 

His voice breaks. Jon has no idea what to say. If he turns his head Lovett will see his wet eyes. He can’t stop thinking about all of it, all the months and years after the divorce he spent hating himself, wanting to change. He thought he was past it but there it is again, just as big. It fills up his throat and he coughs out a wet breath. 

“Jon?” 

Jon clears his throat again. “Yeah. Sorry.” He wipes his nose. 

that gif of lovett saying their friendship is a role they're playing and favs painful laughing smile because favs fears/knows it's true and that lovett is going to leave him again A LOT

this is absolutely a valid agony reading of a gifset that distills the central mystery at the heart of every rpf fandom (DO THEY EVEN REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER???) into a single statement that pierces the heart: THIS IS A ROLE WE’RE PLAYING. the fact that l0vett meant us not to believe him is being generally perceived as adorable but to me strikes a note of INCIPIENT TRAGEDY, as often happens when one takes seriously something l0vett says about his personal life. 

i mean, forget favs, *i* think it’s true. which is to say, sure, they’re friends, but they also have to play friends on tv. and like what if having to regularly perform your feelings for an audience of millions puts some pressure on those feelings? what if your brand depends on it anyway? can what is authentic become inauthentic through repetition and wear? if it became inauthentic, at what point would you notice? 

@podsaveoursouls added a tweet to that post that really sums up its anguish potential :D