Past Is Prologue

the best thing about tonight, is that looking through and reminiscing through my memories here, i can go happy. 

i have to do it tonight. i cant wait anymore, i dont have time

shoutout to my cousin for outing me to my entire family, i mean, thanks for trying and using the right pronouns and all that but my life literally just got 10% worse

Me: "I'm going to go to the store and buy some pills" Them: "k well I just bought a bunch of aspirins and there's over a hundred so if you need them take them" Thank you

My thoughts are a mess and I keep telling myself to kill myself already and it's swirling around in my head and I'm scared and im the worst and fuck fuck fuck

I am constantly consumed by fear and I fucking hate it im so scared all the time and I don't know fucking why

I am constantly consumed by fear that no one likes me and if I do one thing that's awkward or weird they'll be annoyed and pissed off and it gives me anxiety attacks and and I'm just so annoying and I just can't handle talking to other people because of this because I'm so insecure and quiet and everytime I mess up in so close to just killing myself because god dammit I can't live as an embarrassment and I'm just a fuck up and they only put up with me because they are obligated to as a friend but I feel as if no one actually thinks of me as a friend and cares about me and everyone's so mad at me and in having another anxiety attack I can't do this anymore

i wish i could remember what pills i took two years ago so i could take them again and die :^)

It honestly surprises me people only take 12 or so pills for overdose. I take two bottles, sometimes three and a half. I make sure I absolutely do not wake up. But it turns out I do. Someone always finds me and my stomach gets pumped before they even do anything big. I just have seizures.