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You find yourself standing in front of the mirror each day, contemplating life. All the bad things you've done come washing over you and get goosebumps. It still haunts you at every turn. This demon inside you keeps scratching at the wall and you want to let him out don't you? The truth of the matter is that you're tired of fighting. These daily rituals and the grind of your miserable existence has you on the edge. They all can see it, the bad moods, hollowed eyes, and bad habits don't help to hide the truth. This seething hatred for what passes for the human race these days is starting to manifest itself and you want it to. You are angry, and it's only getting worse quickly. I'm tired, just so tired of the fighting, I don't want to do it anymore, it's just not worth the effort and the pain.

You need to tell her. That this whole time you were trying to rid yourself of these feelings, a thought kept eating away at you. Everyone deserves to be loved. It doesn't matter if she feels the same way about you. She needs to know that there is someone out there who will always love her. That's what all decent humans deserve.

Congrats numnuts, you have done it again! Crawled back to the bottle again haven't we? You're not goin to feel better about it. And you're going to tell her to, she'll get all pissed and yell at you and be mad. You'll sit in a bowl of self hate and disappointment. You'll feel like you've let her down but thats what you always do. She keeps going on for you and the show you put on is spectacular almost flawless. All because you don't want her to worry for some idiotic reason. You hate the fact that you love her, that you yern for her. Moving on is no longer an option and you can't bring yourself to let her in. She wants to know what you're so afraid of. And to be honest I'm going to tell her, she hates me afterward or is scared of me so be it.

These feelings, you can't outrun them. It doesn't matter the booze you drink, the amount you smoke, or how hard and far you drive. In the end they always creep up on you at the worst times. One moment your fine and the next theres water being splashed in your face as you make the piss poor attempt at calming yourself down. Its a 50/50 chance of either these cute typical couple thoughts or these images of ravaging her in a way that she admits to enjoying. Im unsure if I should confront her on this and risk the friendship or simply keep things pent up.

She says not to worry about it, that it means nothing. Well I'm sorry to say that if you have the same exact same dream multiple times un one night, that has meaning to it. She says don't over think it or I'll hurt myself, it's not me I'm worried about hurting. She doesn't understand the attention to detail, the weight of the blade in my hand was exact, the recoil of the gun and the smell of the blood. I'm scared of letting her see that other side, not sure what will happen if he gets out. They say that repressing that side in both life and dreams can lead to issues. The other guy knows I want her, that I yern for her affection. I get the fact that she is into certain things and I am too, but I'm worried he will take it too far. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stop him if he does. Even now I feel him tapping at the door, bidding his time to be released.

She didn't go home this year for Christmas. First time its ever happened and she was upset about it. I did the right thing and came by, didn't want her to spend it alone. Could've sat at home drunk off my ass but instead i hid the depression, slapped on a fake smile like I do every day, and came by. You think that you can bury those feelings and forget all about it and yet here i am feeling like a piece of crap every day. Why can't it just go away?

A haunted past tends to show up at the worst time. The holidays seem worse, everyone's all chipper and happy, and here you sit with a bottle in one hand, a gun in the other. You hear things, get the anonymous phone call or email on who has been asking questions on where you've been and what your up to. It's funny to think that after the first two times that these people would get the dam hint not to come around. But you know that saying, three times the charm, maybe I'll get lucky and not have to deal with it anymore.

I yern for her presence, that sweet voice which calms the beast inside me. But something has changed, that darker side of my psyche is manifesting itself more and more. At first I thought I was just tired, everybody has bad days, but it's been getting worse each day. My mind goes places that haunt my dreams and even day to day routines. I'm afraid to be around her, that one day I'll be off my game and slip. She keeps saying that she doesn't fear me but I know she notices the differences. He keeps coming out more and more each time. I think I'm going to lose control and if I hurt her in the process, I could never forgive myself. She has yet to see this side of me and I fear it will be too much to bear.

She wants to help me but I'm not letting her. The pain as far as she knows is only physical but it is so much more than that. I've realized that even if we were together, my presence would be nothing but a burden to her. I've been beaten so hard from life that by the time im 30 I'll probably need a cane to get around. Being a gluten for punishment has left me with daily pain and a great sadness, to be such a burden on someone is not fair. I now realize I must try to distance myself in order not to hurt her, to keep her from this sadness and evil within me. The only question is, which one will get me first.

When she feels pain, I put all other things aside and try to make her feel better. Even if im in pain I'll ignore it just to focus on her. The very thought of her keeps me going even though I know that we will never be together.

She cares for me in little ways. But she doesn't realize what that does to me, how it brings warmth and comfort to my otherwise bleek world. I feel as if I need to protect her from those who do her harm. Yet is it possible to use ones dark side to protect those he loves. Can I call upon the demons of my past to guard her in her times of need. Will she still accept me once she realizes what I am, the things I can to do to others and feel nothing about it? Will she still be the warmth in my world keeping me calm in my times of stress?

She does these little things to care for me, even though she doesn't need to. The thing is, I really enjoy those things. Last night, while I was sleeping on the couch, she threw a blanket over me because I looked cold, she almost nurtures me in small ways. If only she knew what that meant to me, how that drives me to protect her and keep her happy. To see her smile us the most beautiful thing in my world, and yet I still can't tell her. I'm afraid that I'll lose her and that can't happen. Each night trars of sadness are shed because I'm too much of a chicken shit to try and be closer to her.

She says that she is incapable of loving someone, meanwhile I keep falling harder for her every day. I don't think she fully understands what she has done for me, and I'm to much of a coward to tell her. She deserves to be happy, just thought maybe I could do that for her.

How do we measure someone's beauty? Is it through their good looks, no. It is in how they make us feel about ourselves, how we tackle lifes obstacles and thank them for motivating us. I was a drunk, I had sunk about as low as you could, and yet she didn't give up on me. Everytime we talked she encouraged me to stop, to put the bottle down and walk away. At first her words had no affect, specially when you consider she had turned me down so I figured that there was nothing to lose. But as time went on I realized, she was getting through, if only a piece at a time. And with that I startec to build and before I knew it I was steping away more often. But do i tell her, spill my guts infront of her and see what happens, or do I just keep bottleing up till I die.

She doesn't leave my mind. Each day my head and heart are filled with the thoughts of her and that bothers me. How do you move on when your feelings for another wont go away. I've tried everything to break up these thoughts, but nothing works. I don't think she realizes what she means to me and that what she has given me can never be repayed. Out of all of the people that tried, she was the only one I listened to, the only one that got through and made a difference. And to be able to silence my demons like that, I can never find another to do so. She saw something in me and managed to dig it out, whatever it may be. I admire her for her strength, for there was a time I had none. The only thing I can do now is pull her through her own struggles, but that doesn't compare to what she has given me, and yet we all need to start somewhere.

I see one of my best friends with his girl, you see all the cute couple things that they do and every time the same thing happens. Tears of both sadness and joy fill my eyes. Sadness for the yearning of those moments, but I'll never have. And I'll admit there is a touch of jealousy in there too, and to me thats against my code. I understand it's natural but still it feels wrong, and yet the happiness tends to drown all that out. Those two have had to fight tooth and nail to be where they are today. He admits there were a few times they both felt like giving up, to which I about backhanded him for thinking. To fight that hard and want to give up is not in his nature and he knows it. I flat out told him what I am prepared to do to see them happy, to my last breath I was ready to give. He looked at me and asked why. Take it from a man who was a drunk and involved with some serious things. To give up such happiness, on the one person who completes you, calling yourself a man doesn't apply to you then. I've been at the bottom of the well and let me tell you, it changes a man. And to see my people go through that, my family endure such hardship, I will not allow them to experience what I did. The will to fight for myself may have been lost but, to fight for those around me is a fire that will never go out. It is because of my adopted family that I stand before you today, and you decide to harm them in any way, a man with nothing to lose and no fear of death opposes you. So a question must be asked, are you ready to step into that ring, because only one of us is walking out.

They say never to change who you are for someone, but what if I'm trying something new that they enjoy? It's not so much changing myself then is it? More of a time of self exploration, to broden my horizons and do something different. And who knows, maybe it'll bring us closer together. Maybe she will start to realize that my live for her knows no bounds.

She tells me that she thinks she might of already met her soulmate, but doesnt say who. Like an idiot I don't ask and just kinda leave it be. But is it wrong to hope that it is me and maybe she is too scared to say something about it? Should I ask her what she thinks and see what the answer is no matter what? I'm not sure though if I could handle the disappoint twice, my heart still hirts after the first one.

Im a man of simple tastes. Good scotch, good cigars, and good friends are all I really ask for. Of course when life gives me the little extras, I'm not one to overlook them. When things are bad, and that certain someone offers a warm hand or a hug in simpithy you bet your ass I take that opportunity. As a man who tends to deal with problems on his lonesome, all in an effort to keep loved ones out of harms way, to actually feel that love and warmth is something to not be taken lightly.