1 night lying in bed u look up at your ceiling & see this crawling towards u wyd

exCUSE me the one on the top is mine, you cropped off the blog name and I WANT PROPER RECOGNITION FOR MY SLUTTINESS PLEASE AND THANK YOU >:(

fair enough! hope you suffer

1 night lying in bed u look up at your ceiling & see this crawling towards u wyd

sometimes u just really need to bite something. not in a violent way or in a sexy way or a hungry way. just in a bitey way

chew toy mode

a group of children are tasked by a mysterious wizard to complete a heroic quest in a magical land. since this is a form a kidnapping, their middle-aged parents follow them through the portal and precede to wreak havoc in the style of Liam Neeson’s Taken 

Do the parents have their own magical skills, or mundane skills, or just immense righteous fury?

I vote one of each.

#‘Taken to Fairyland’ #a wand a shotgun and a frying pan #let’s gooo

At least two of the parents were also Chosen Children, and they are the only survivors of their group. Like hell is the damn immortal wizard using THEIR children for that impossible Quest! Again!

Emma wrapped her hand around a weed, and yanked. It popped out, roots and all - she might not have magic here, but she still had a touch with plants that few could rival. The weeds weren’t going to choke out her carrots, not while she had two hands and the disposition of a particularly persistent patch of ivy.

She’d nearly won the argument with the weeds over who got to use the vegetable patch when she heard a noise from her nightmares. A kind of ringing whistle, like the hum of a wineglass mixed with the sound of storm winds under the eaves.

A Portal.

The next chapter is now up!

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AO3

once again for the bargain price of $6.66 i will present to you a Top 5 Childhood Misadventures: April Fool’s Edition

Presenting:

The Saga Of The Stolen Door

Ah, to be young and filled with mirth and rage.

I was 14 at the time. 14 was not a good year for me. New town, new house, new school to adjust to, and that’s not even counting the complications of being an Undiagnosed Autistic Teenager. Ah, puberty. You think you’re finally catching up, and suddenly there’s a whole parade of shiny new developmental delays to widen the gap between you and your peers. Ah, nostalgia.

Point is, it was a difficult year for me and my 2 siblings. So when April rolled around? I decided, quite magnanimously I thought, a sign of benevolence of character and all that, that we all deserved a good laugh.

Well, that is one version of events.

The second version of events is: my siblings and I had spend the year driving each other up the walls. Up the walls, through the ceiling, past the colony of attic-dwelling dust bunnies, around the rafters and straight to cracking our skulls on the new roofing tiles (terracotta).

The thing about the house we were living in at the time…it was weird. It was a weird house. Rooms with too many corners. Windows shoved in bizarre places. Odd flourishes of grandeur.

It occurs to me, in hindsight (glorious, alluring, unobtainable hindsight), that if one is determined to go about removing a door in this manner, there is probably a correct order in which to remove screws from a doorframe.

I did not choose that order. 

Keep reading

At this point, it may have occurred to some of you that I am not much of a planner.

Keep reading

Dear Reader, let me snatch back my words. Earlier, I compared my tale to the Tragedy of Icarus. This was not wholly accurate, because you will note that Icaraus’s primary tragedy was that he was an insipid little bitch who couldn’t get his act together.

Let us skip ahead.

FINAL CHAPTER

one final detail, the briefest epilogue, the cherry & sprinkles atop the sundae.

(I’m not 100% sure my memory is accurate on this part, and I’m too scared to ask Claire, but from what I personally remember) not only did it take her 3 days to realize her bedroom door was missing: when she finally noticed, it was specifically because she was having an argument with Mom.

She tried to slam the door and–surprise :)

ko-fi

am worried some of you (wisely) neglected to click ‘keep reading’, in which case you missed my exquisite illustrations

fun fact: the pink ass in the last panel is modeled on a classical painting of Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the mountain. That is Sisyphus’s ass.

SISYPHASS

No wonder he never reaches the top, he’s pushing a boulder and dragging a dumptruck

happy April <3

I just think these tags are very important

*pulling myself out of a shallow grave* you call this a fucking GRAVESITE, i call this a DISGRACE *dusting the dirt from my shroud* u gotta PACK the dirt in there boy i wanna feel like im being tucked into bed by a STEAMROLLER, i want 8.8k psi MINIMUM on this bitch *hacks up a shovelful of soil like a cat retching up a hairball* I'VE SLEPT UNDER MEATIER WEIGHTED BLANKETS

They made a grave mistake didn’t they

You sure were coffin up a lot of dirt, are you okay?

now now gaud, dont be a casket case

...i'm about to put all of you in the fucking ground

"i could fix him" baby i could translate him from the original language into iambic pentameter so devoid of the original contextual meaning u can't even

Hey... I translated your boyfriend into iambic pentameter.... Yeah he's missing all of his original meaning, sorry...

demanding a series in the same vein (heh, vein) as Dexter/Hannibal wherein a prolific serial killer plays cat & mouse with the police--except the serial killer in question is a preteen schoolgirl. this would make for compelling television due to the fact that middle school frequently causes girls to become deranged, and more media should reflect this

she hangs out at active crime scenes in a way that should be a red flag, but "evades" the police simply by merit of being in 7th grade

the one 'detective'/nemesis who is convinced she had something to do with The Murders is the classmate who sorta tried to bully her at the beginning of the school year, but then the vibes got all intense and sapphic so she backed off and has been Ignoring the Nerd she does Not have a special interest in. except then The Murders begin and she has so many Suspicions, but every time she confronts the antihero the interaction ends in accidental intimacy followed by furious blushing

the nemesis's father is an (unsympathetic) cop character who repeatedly ignores his daughter's concerns. "dad i think the weird girl in my math class is a serial killer" "that's not an excuse for failing algebra. go do your homework"

you know how in greek myths people who die tragically sometimes get placed among the stars by the gods?

call that

call that a

Its okay, take your time

constellation prize

in my defense they did not specify the order in which i was allowed to take my time!

Dear God these tags are immaculate….

okey doke! I'm ready to be mentally ill but in a fun way, when does that happen

big fan of marriages of convenience. marry your best friend for tax benefits. marry your roommate for college tuition breaks. "marry" your love interest for plot-contrived reasons at a fake wedding, then accidentally fall in love & get married for real in the epilogue. so many possibilities!

oh the harvest has been kind this year: #my friend married her best friend bc she's doing masters program and her uni wouldn't give her pet friendly housing bc she was single #she literally married her friend for her cats #and he is onboard with it bc he's tired of people asking when he'd get married #now that will shut them nosy relatives up #really check in on your quiet friends. they might be up to craziest shit you ever hear today lol

there's construction happening outside and i woke up this morning, hazily thought "goddammit the wizards are fighting again," and rolled over and went back to sleep

oh good tags: #one time I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a shadowy figure standing in front of my window. I didn't pay it any mind and instead decided to roll over and fall back asleep. later on in the morning did I find out that the figure was in actuality my step-dad coming to close my cracked open window. pretty crazy to think about how it could have been some creep who had come to murder me in my sleep and I straight up didn't care. #come to bring my life to a grizzly end in the dead of night? #alright! #just give me five more minutes thx

more good and deeply concerning stories from the notes!

#once there was a house fire at the house next to us and it was QUICKLY spreading, and I tried to wake my sister up so we could evacuate our house. and she said "wake me up when it becomes an issue" and went back to sleep. #i…

#our house was fine. the house next door burned totally to the ground

monarchies in the 21st cent are so funny. "we used to claim this one super wealthy family was appointed divine rights by a giant bearded guy in the sky, but that excuse doesn't fly anymore. so now the reason is because that's the way it already was"

"ceremonial figureheads are an important part of our heritage" great! stick em in a museum with the rest of the relics