No, no because listen, listen. Big mutant Krakoa meeting, big ol table full of mutants. Just chock full of em. And they’re arguing over something bc of course they are and Pietro is as per usual being a lil shit. And Rogue looks at him, like just whole stares at him and finally just says, “I fucked yer dad.”

Bc imagine the absolute MAYHEM that would erupt.

Pietro immediately trying to throw hands bc YO WHAT THE FUCK MY DAD -

Rogue being held back bc “and I’d do it again”

Angry Cajun yelling noises from Gambit bc why are we bringing this up again

Lorna just contemplating her whole life bc like yeah she KNEW but why did they have to say it OUT LOUD

Wanda not saying shit bc she knows damn well she was banging Dr. Doom like twenty minutes ago

Kurt panicking trying to figure out if he should just bamf! out or nah

Emma and Jean making telepathic bets on who they’re gonna be resurrecting next

Logan drinking a beer no one saw him open

And Erik just sitting in the middle of it all staring off into space MORTIFIED ready to yeet another meteor at the earth bc jfc just end it already while Charles just pats his hand sympathetically

Miguel O’Hara icons

Arguing about who is Damian's favorite brother

Jason: Dickhead doesn't count! He's basically the brat's second dad!

Damian: Actually I already have a method in place to determine which one of you wastes of space is my favorite if I'm asked.

Jason: Oh? Don't keep us in suspense then.

Damian: It's simple really. Whoever has the highest kill count at the time is my alleged favorite.

Jason: HA! Suck it losers!

Dick: No fair! I killed the Joker!

Jason: What?

Damian: And while I would normally count that as at least 10, since Father revived him-

Jason: WHAT!?

Damian: Todd, we cannot stop to explain all of the family drama everytime you find yourself out of the loop. You will simply have to unblock us and rejoin the group chat.

Tim: Yeah Jason, get your family updates like the rest of us

Damian: As I was saying, since the Joker isn't dead despite your best efforts, I've decided that your count is at 5.

Jason: So I'm your favorite?

Damian: No. Your confirmed kills are between 20-40. Unfortunately, Drake is my favorite since his confirmed kill count is in the low hundreds.

Dick: I'm sorry. Can someone please explain how my Baby Bird has a kill count at all

Tim, trying to escape through the vents: YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL ASSHOLE!!!

Damian: You swore that you didn't touch my Taj Mahal Lego set. I guess we're both liars

to keep up appearances, bruce asked the batkids to find reasons to excuse their various bumps and bruises:

dick was easy. gymnastics and acrobatics run deep within his veins and it’s always his “party trick”, so they just let the public come up with an answer themselves.

jason, mysterious as he is, never addressed his bumps and bruises. the public have settled on underground cage fighting.

tim’s was skateboarding and being “himself”. tim knows how he appears to the public, and as much as it pains his ego for people to see him in such a way, clumsiness fit his charming, dorky, public persona.

damian needs no excuse as he is a ‘rambunctious little ankle biter’, so bruce just lets damian straight up tell people shit like “i was engaged in battle with a duel wielding madman” and then says “kids and their wild imaginations, amiright?”.

steph insisted on fencing even though bruce argued that she would not realistically get many black eyes from fencing. she just tells people she’s very bad at it.

cass’ are from ballet duets.

duke just says “there was a spider” with no further context.

harper’s go to line is “you should see the other guy”.

and bruce is basically barbie so he comes up with a new sport each time he’s asked. and people believe it every goddamn time without question; because what else would a billionaire do with their time other than unicycle hockey and chess boxing?

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Babs: Why are you eating tofu?

Dick: I'm trying to convince Jason I'm a vegan

Babs: Why?

Dick: I've been stealing chicken from his fridge and if I'm vegan, he can't accuse me of stealing it

Babs: Why not just buy your own chicken?

Dick: this is much more fun, watch

Jason: Okay! I have had enough! WHO THE HELL! IS EATING MY GOD DAMN CHICKEN!?

Headcanon that Tim starts taking better care of himself after losing his spleen. He takes his antibiotics religiously, actively avoids injuries in the field, stays home when he is sick, sleeps at least 6 hours and has a healthy diet, listens to and obeys Alfred and Leslie when they tell him he needs to rest or not patrol. Tim is so good about keeping himself healthy that when he ran the statistics, he realized he was more efficient, made less mistakes in the field, and patrolled more because he didn't have to take time off to heal (it also meant Alfred scolding him less).

Surprisingly, Damian is the first one to notice Tim's sudden change in behaviour, and he is also the first and only one to follow Tim in his steps. The two of them team up several times in the field because they cannot deal with the others' recklessness.

As a matter of fact, Tim blew up in Bruce's face once when Batman almost drown in Gotham Harbor (What the fuck, Bruce? Sit. Did I or did I not tell you to move? "Oh, we have to save the Joker!" Just let him choke, you delusional—). Bruce did not drown, but he did get pneumonia and neither of his younger children let him live it down for a month. He almost cried. Alfred was very supportive of the kids' campaign.

Damian constantly side eyes Dick and Jason, and makes pointed comments about their habits. He would pinpoint how exactly Nightwing could have avoided being stabbed, and throw out every single beer can in Jason's fridge whenever he catches Red Hood slipping.

The worst part? It doesn't stop in Gotham. Red Robin and Robin bring it to the entire superhero community. It's a problem.

a redraw of a very important boy! original found here

Angst/humor fic idea, if you need a prompt:

Bruce finds out the hard way which of his kids is okay with the 'unadoption' joke threats he makes when they annoy or stress him out. "Why did I adopt you?"..."I still have your adoption certificate. I wonder if the orphanage accepts returns?"..."I knew I should have left you on that street corner where I found you."

Dick fires back with twice as much sass, sometimes rolling his eyes and flipping off Bruce when he gets older.

Young!Jason looks so scared the first time he hears one, and Bruce never jokes about it again. Adult!Jason makes jokes about unadopting himself.

Tim is far too tired to register that it was a joke and gets quiet and avoids Bruce completely for the rest of the week until Bruce realizes what he did wrong and tracks his son down. They talk and Bruce never implies regretting to adopt Tim again.

Cass laughs along with him before pulling out her adoption certificate from her pocket and grinning, scaring him. His kids's adoption paperwork was all stored in a hidden, impenetrable, designed-by-Batman safe. Laughter fades and she just whispers "You'll never be rid of me."

Bruce- Maybe Talia wants you back.

Damian, not even phased- And maybe Alfred would have rather been working for a doctor than a clown-hating, nocturnal, combat furry, but I guess we're both out here disappointing our parents.

tim, drunk and coerced into a game of two truths and a lie with jason, dick, and steph: okay ummmm i— haha. i have the highest body count in the family, Lobo has a contract out on me and… PFFT i’m dating a guy

jason, also drunk: well the gay thing isn’t news but i call bullshit on the body count, you’re like 15. the fuck did you do to get Lobo after you?

steph, the only sober one, eager to sow chaos: oh Lobo would never kill Tim, they’re buddies. they’re going out for disc golf on saturday.

dick, possibly the drunkest: tim. tim what do you mean you’ve got a body count higher than B’s. our father is a slut.

tim: nonono Bruce doesn’t kill :( that’s his Ruleeee

jason: TIMMERS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE GOT A BODY COUNT.

tim: ahahaha do you guys have any idea how many assassins i’ve blown up?

steph: TIM. WHAT

tim: [cartoon explosion noises]….KERPLOOEY

A Damian twitter post for you all

Based on this tiktok.

A little continuation from this post - Dick not liking Damian at all when he first meets him is still the funniest thing to me so obviously I was going to carry that over to this au

I love the headcanon that none of the Bats are supers, but over time? Gotham is slowly messing them up, one by one.

Bruce smiles at Clark one day in the Cave, and his eyes reflect the light back like a wolf's

Jason suddenly has tiny fangs, but nobody has the nerve to mention it

Alfred literally doesn't die

Dick can jump higher and faster than ever before, but barely notices it

Tim is awake for three days straight and doesn't blink

They're all subtly, but noticeably different. Gotham-blessed, or cursed, or something in between.

Tim, [pointing his staff at the human traffickers]: YOU ARE OUTGUNNED

Jason, [hyping him up]: WHAT?

Tim: OUTMANNED!

Jason: WHAT?!

Tim: OUTNUMBERED OUTPLANNED

Jason: PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES!

Tim: PUT YOUR GUNS DOWN ON MY COMMAND

Jason: HAND EM OVER!!

Tim: THIS IS HAMILTON MY RIGHT HAND MAN!

Jason, [getting his guns out]: PWO PWO PWO PWO PWO-

Goons: *shaking* what the FUCK are Batman feeding his partners--

bruce wayne seems like the exact type of dad to hear that his kid likes something and latch on to that info like a leech.

like dick says he likes the color blue and for the next x amount of years, everything bruce gets dick is in blue.

jason mentions liking strawberry flavoring and suddenly candy, drinks, ice cream, cake, doesnt matter, is all strawberry flavored

every holiday or birthday tim gets photography stuff. bruce gets tickets to attend photography gallerys and researches it in order to engage in conversation.

just that whole dad thing where he finds one (1) thing that his kid enjoys and latches onto that fact in order to connect to them (awkward for the kdis when its ten years later and theyre pretty indifferent to that thing now but you know their dad is trying so they’re not gonna say anything)

Real true facts about the baby bats

I never really wanted the heroes to be in this but I thought this time it would be funny. You may or may not see them again idk yet

Part 6 part 7