TONIGHT

TONIGHT

Tonight!!!

TONIGHT!

T O N I G H T!!!

You have been sentenced to death in a magical court. The court allows all prisoners to pick how they die and they will carry it out immediately. You have it all figured out until the prisoner before you picks old age and is instantly transformed into a dying old man. Your turn approaches.

I think I’d have minded less if I’d committed a truly heinous crime. Something that warranted death. Or even if I was the kind of person who would enjoy flinging a last defiance at my execution.

It was all just a show, anyway. They did it every year. They brought out a selection of criminals, and the Sorcerer who ruled us showed his power by bringing about their deaths by magic. Just to show, every year, what happened to anyone who crossed him.

There was a time, probably, when the people he executed really were rebels or assassins. In latter days he had to take what the dungeons offered. I was dragged up in chains between a pickpocket, sobbing in terror, and a man who’d killed another man in a brawl. There were few criminals of any note, by then. So instead of choosing the wickedest criminals, they chose based on appearance. The man who’d been in the brawl had a face like a clenched fist, and looked like a ruffian. The pickpocket, aging and with hands beginning to tremble, was a different kind of example. As was I.

“There aren’t many pretty ones, this year,” the man who chose me had said, examining me. “But this one will do. Not young, but not old, a woman, well-favoured enough for the gallows… what was her crime?”

The warder shrugged. “She tried to kill one of the sheriffs.”

The man looked down at me and I shrugged. “I hit him with a washing stick, because he tried to extort money from me, and he was a baby about it.” I refused to treat this as anything but pathetic, even after my sentencing. “I didn’t even break any bones.”

“Treason, then,” the man said, nodding. “Attacking the servants of the law. That will look well on the list. Send her.”

I had been debating ever since what to choose. Something quick? Something painless? I considered demanding that I suffer the attack I supposedly made on the sheriff, but then I realized the Sorcerer would only give me what the man had said I was going to do, and that was not a pleasant way to die. I had all but decided on something swift and relatively painless. Beheading with the sharpest of blades sounded good. It would be quick. 

Keep reading

nO

its so freeing when you realize you can literally write whatever you want 

it doesnt have to be good or anything you can just write things and post them and it doesnt matter at all

“your story sucks” what are you going to do? refund the money u didn’t pay? you are a bozo

When antagonised by a troll u absolutely cannot be earnest with them, talk abt how they are hurting u, shame them from a moral perspective etc. unless there is an audience that u know will be moved into empathising and allying with u after witnessing that. just make it v obvious that u are not taking them seriously la. for what u go and show ur internal organs all. thats what they want. if they are fucking around and u cant stand it anymore, u have to engage, then fuck with them back.

As someone who is friend with a self avowed troll (he tends towards mischievous rather than malicious; he’s never done any of the truly heinous channer shit as far as I’m aware), a sincere response is exactly what they’re going for.

He LIVES for getting people sincerely arguing about whatever blatant misinformation he’s posted. The Goal is to get people to take you seriously and engage you earnestly, because that’s the part that’s “so funny” to them.

I was so deep in The Zone™ that I took this as Bilbo's drunk advice for How to Deal with Mountain Trolls Ready to Eat You and Your Party and I just

The Ring: If I had a quarter for every time a hobbit picked me up, I’d have two quarters.  The Ring: Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Of all the bearers of Sauron’s ring, 4 of them were hobbits.

I was wrong. It’s 5. Not 4

The lineage of ring bearers is as follows.

I love how Deagol counts as a ring bearer even though he had it in his possession for all of like five seconds

He held it for the rest of of his life!

[Image description: Tweet by @banalplay saying “but something happened then that the ring did not intend. it was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit, the same fuckin thing that just had it for like 500 years.” End Image Description.] Link to original here. Otherwise reblogging for the final rb there, which made me cackle.

From the ring’s perspective:

1. Home, the finger of my creator and other self.

2. Well, I don’t like it but I can work with this. Cause some trouble, get some revenge, find my way home, this is fine.

3. What the fuck is you?

4. Right personality, wrong species, I don’t know what you are but I hate you and I don’t know why you’re so resistant to my powers.

5. NO NO NO there are goblins everywhere how did I find another one of THESE horrible things. This one’s even more resistant than the last one and also disgustingly nice. I suffer.

6. Listen, I’ll cooperate, just get me the fuck out of this hellhole full of small cheerful people my power doesn’t work on properly. No, not like that. I hate you. Please stop. 

7. FUCK

8. (Frodo again) I still hate you with every molecule of my mortal form but at least you’re not number seven. Think I’m starting to get through finally. 

9. (Smeagol again) YES it’s you I actually missed you now get me back to the Master and NO FUCK NO I HATE YOOOOUUUUU…. *fzt* 

you CHAIN The One Ring?! you chain it like the prisoner?! oh! OH! trauma! deep psychological trauma for hobbits for One Thousand Years!

More info about the upcoming Good Omens audiobook :).

you can argue all you want but sister michael and miss taylor from derry girls are the true fem aziraphale and crowley

haven’t seen Derry Girls but this image alone is enough to convince me

Why didn’t anyone tell me about this comic earlier?

It is.  So cute.  SpiderMom does her best, and HumanChild makes friends with everything.  There’s only about 20 pages so far, but I am invested.

Here’s page one.  *shoos you off to read it*

I’m reading it and AHHHHHH

Zombie setting where the undead are drawn towards unhygienic scents, so survivors constantly bathe to avoid being eaten.

#this makes me curiously sad #the idea of flowers covering the undead #that symbol of human love is what makes them docile

me to zombies:

Thank you all for the responses!!!! I got a few more notes to share from folks asking me about this setting :D

!!!!!!!

Eeee more of this!! Love!!!

I can’t believe this but I actually wrote a drabble for this I’m-

Hopefully y'all like it, I dunno, but I liked the idea that I just sat and wrote this within like, 20 minutes?

Have fun :)

Today is our traditional Mid-Autumn festival and tomorrow is the Bagginses’ birthday. So I’m thinking of celebrating them together.🎂🎉🥮🌕 Here’s a special birthday-moon-cake. Happy Mid-Autumn and Happy Hobbit Day!

Cute

Humans were the newest species in the Alliance. They were small, fragile, and poisonous to practically every life form. They had strange oils on their skin, in fact, most mammalians (the…family[?] of species that the Humans were) on their planet had oils too. Humans also had the weirdest motives for their research. Their research into weapons and medicine were average, but their research into technology, specifically for entertainment purposes, seemed….wasteful. As in, excessive. That wasn’t even mentioning the amount of apparently habitable land taken up by research endeavors. Humans were obsessed with their history, classifying irrelevant species into many different categories and digging up bones to recreate skeletons of the extinct ones, and endlessly searching for evidence of “advanced” extinct civilizations.

They were quickly dubbed a “research race”. The Humans would be useful for their ability to seek out knowledge, but little more. The only weapons in their arsenal worth taking were the suicide bombs they called “Nuclear Weapons” and their medicine was useless for any race but their own. They were fragile, and tiny. Their strength only activating when under extreme stress, and it was immoral for any race to force a human into that state, especially considering any attempt to use the strength gain in battle would likely backfire due to the human’s ability for “spite”. They were a must-have for any exploration crew, but otherwise belonged in labs and not on the battlefield. The only battlefield capability aside from stress induced strength, was their adaptability and durability. Any smart Humans would’ve stayed around the habitable zones in between the poles and the equator of their planet, and yet the species managed to persevere, using their clever nature to survive in a wide variety of conditions and climates that no other race managed. It wasn’t even out of necessity, they did it for a love of exploration.

The human’s curiosity, cleverness, optimism, and odd weather-specific durability made them perfect for research. And yet some still decided to help on the battlefield. The battlefield medics were acceptable, but the tiny warriors holding what may as well be toy rifles were only accepted out of exasperated fondness and because they raised morale.

The Humans, with their small builds, wide expanse of expressions, and general kind-heartedness and playful recklessness were considered the best companions for any race; however, the Humans with anger-management issues in particular were more suited as companions for the Tloq, who were sturdy enough to take hits, one of the few races not affected by the oils on the humans' skin, and playful enough to enjoy an angry human’s company, even sometimes managing to calm one to a reasonable state. Humans were essentially pets, or children, but no one mentioned it, knowing the Humans would be upset at the analogy.

Humans took a liking to the Klo'rake specifically, likening them to large “cats”. Initially, the Alliance was confused, but upon doing further research, courtesy of the Linus (a winged species with a preference for chemistry), the hexapedal and fuzzy Klo'rake’s shared a scary likeness with the extremely tiny Earth species; said species were highly amused in their own quiet manner. The fact that Klo'rake had six legs and large horns was dutifully ignored in favor of the hilariousness that was humans flocking to them because they were fuzzy.

Humans were great researchers, the best even, their mindset perfect for the line of work, but the Alliance respected the human race’s needs for variety, and their want to run their own planet, and let them choose their own professions. At least two human researchers were always on a crew, sometimes joined by a human with a different specialty, such as engineers or pilots. Biologists and archaeologists were a favorite; the Humans’ need to classify different life forms was deemed “cute”.

Then, Earth was invaded by the Olomk. A violent species known for minor skirmishes with members of the Alliance. The Alliance was enraged, and the Humans were heartbroken. Their home planet was burning, consumed by flames and smog, and it needed their assistance. Every human crewmate returned to Earth, salvaging what they could of the planet. It’s axis had been tilted, the sea level had shrunk by many meters, and they mourned the loss of several species. The Klo'rake, Linus, and Tloq quickly came to their aid, not understanding why the humans were crying over the loss of biodiversity, but knowing the heartbreak that was the loss of most of your species.

For many sols the Humans rebuilt, their population once over a hundred billion had dwindled to merely six billion. The scientists took a census of the land, engineers, architects, and construction workers rebuilt according to the new soil. Farmers replanted their crops if possible, while others had to relocate to a different area so their crops would actually grow. Many offspring were handed off to Klo'rake and Linas, orphaned or injured. Medics and doctors did their damnedest to make sure as many people lived as possible, while others did what they could to dispose of the destroyed buildings and to ensure the planet wasn’t polluted by the waste.

Eventually, the planet was up and running once more, but for once, the Humans weren’t just angry: they were furious. Never had the Alliance seen this. Sure, they’d seen angry and annoyed Humans, but this was something different. Fury, mourning, irritation, and more wrapped up in a single undefinable emotion. They were quiet, planning, no one knew what they were doing, and no one dared ask. Many Humans that lived abroad came back to help, including all of the morale soldiers and some underage teenagers, even some children as young as ten that were desperate to help. The Alliance let the Humans mourn, as it was their first invasion, and hopefully their last.

Then, one day, Tlaku, the Olomk’s planet, was under fire. Weapons and ships constructed from a mixture of Klo'rake, Linus, Tloq, Human, and even Rikl designs decimated the planet. Even as violent and weaponized as the Olomk were, they were not prepared. The Humans dropped nuclear bombs, burned ships with plasma lasers; they shot down all resistance, and the few footsoldiers that were needed swiftly crushed all the Olomk soldiers with quick fury.

It was quick, bloody, and unexpected from the race the Alliance had started to view as cute, peaceful, and curious. The Humans stopped attacking once surrender was declared, they mourned for the hatchlings they killed, helped with the clean up, and quickly departed for Earth, returning their attention to patching up the wounds still left by the Olomk Invasion. The Linus, for once scared of their lack of knowledge, took a page out of the Human’s book and started researching Human history, because clearly they didn’t know as much as they thought about their dearest researchers. Despite being out of their depth in researching history, the Linus were well accustomed to boring scientific literature, and quickly reported something terrifying.

Humans had a bloody history, filled with war, famine, disease, exploitation, and slavery. They were clearly capable of battle, good at it even. Their tactics astounded the Rikl, who were famous for their military might. The Alliance were disturbed that the beings they found adorable and cute were so capable of hurting others. They were reminded of the small scale spite that Humans displayed when slighted, and shuddered when they realized that the humans could have destroyed them if they really felt like it. 

But when the Human representative entered, flustered at her tardiness, they were reminded of why they had gotten that initial harmless impression. Tiny, fragile, and adorably curious, Humans were great at hiding their dangerous nature.

iM???? kkshd;bgdjsmmsnd;sn;

An orc wrote this.

An orc who knows how to treat a lady

@celestialkiri

Kevin knows how to win a girls heart. <3

the origons of Ouija boards are funny if you think about it like they’re part of an another country (China)’s ancient history that was practiced until one emporer decided “You know what this is probably a bad idea” and banned the practice. 

then centuries later an old buisnessman comes along and is like “I’m going to take this and market it as a toy to children.”

Which is the exact plot of Yu-Gi-Oh

I recently started working in hospitality, and I’ll tell you guys right now, the trope of “there was only one bed” is not as rare as you’d think in real life. A few times a week, at least, I have guys come in who are working together on projects in town or passing through who have to literally book the last room I have available for the night and lo and behold — there is only one bed, and guess what, they give each other a side-eyed look and begrudgingly take it. So write it up, it happens all the time!!!

Never let your There Was Only One Bed dreams die. I was secretly in love with my best friend for over a year when she graduated and moved to Oklahoma (like 1000 miles away) for grad school. Between that travel restrictions, we were so scared we’d never see eachother again.

At the end of summer, when Covid numbers were at a lower point, I took the risk to visit her in her new apartment and I quickly realized that, unlike when I’d spent the night at her house before, the couch wasn’t made up like a bed. She explained that since her new couch was so fancy and pink, I couldn’t possibly sleep on it, and so I needed to sleep in the bed with her. You know, out of necessity. I woke up with her snuggled around me in the middle of the night.

We’re dating now, and I genuinely think I’m going to marry her. Just the other day, though, I mentioned that if she hadn’t been weird about her fancy couch, I probably never would have like confessed my feelings. AND THEN she stood up, took the cushions off the fancy couch, UNFOLDED IT INTO A HIDE-A-BED, and said “I KNOW.”

THIS GIRL. ORCHESTRATED. BED SCARCITY. JUST SO SHE COULD MAKE THE “ONLY ONE BED” EXCUSE. Y’all when I said I just about lost my goddamn mind, I just about lost my goddamn mind. I love this sneaky bitch so much and the moral of this story is BE THE ONE BED YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.

Fanfic imitates life, and life imitates fanfic. It’s full circle really.

oh my god 

there was only one bed

but it was STAGED

I love this so much

New Fanfic Trope Unlocked!!!!!

AU:There was only one bed - by design👀