Slightly suspicious

I’ve come to make an announcement: Shadow the Hedgehog’s a bitch-ass motherfucker, he pissed on my fucking wife! That’s right, he took his hedgehog-fuckin’ quilly dick out and he pissed on my fucking wife, and he said his dick was “this big,” and I said “that’s disgusting,” so I’m making a callout post on my Twitter.com: Shadow the Hedgehog, you’ve got a small dick, It’s the size of this walnut except WAY smaller. And guess what? Here’s what my dong looks like! That’s right, baby, tall points, no quills, no pillows — look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong! He fucked my wife, so guess what, I’m gonna fuck the Earth! That’s right, this is what you get: my SUPER LASER PISS!! Except I’m not gonna piss on the Earth, I’m gonna go higher!! I’m pissing ON THE MOON! How do you like that, Obama?! I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!! You have twenty-three hours before the piss drrrrroplllllllets hit the fucking Earth! Now get outta my fucking sight, before I piss on you too!

Happy one year anniversary to the video that gave us this improvised gem.

Happy 5th Anniversary, all you bitch ass motherfuckers

my friend asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend because her parents are homophobic af but they ended up hating me so much that they were glad when she said she was gay task failed successfully

okay so

yes

i kissed him on the lips infront of his parents and claimed it was the usual greek greeting between men is that enough for you

Are you…. Are you secretly dating her brother OP?

yes

I wonder why

Show up again to admit to dating the brother, but dress like a typical suburbanite and act like you've never met the parents before. Absolute power move.

asdgfgsjfh im totally doing this

want an update?

ofc you do

but i'm too tired to write all of what happened down right now so instead try to imagine the most awkward situation you've ever been in.

now multiply the awkwardness by 100

first of all i'm just gonna show the difference in what i was wearing

an example of what i would wear as my friend's fake bf:

and as my boyfriend's actual bf:

when my bf and i showed up his dad did such a double take

sooo yeah my bf told his parents he's gay, they looked surprised but told him it was fine... then they shared a look of pure horror (seriously, it was like they had just found out they're in the matrix) and said

"and uh. why is...he here?"

i went and introduced myself like we had never met before and said i was their son's boyfriend

:3

i've never seen two people look more angry before but they weren't gonna say anything because they had other family members over

the family members who had never met me before and therefore knew nothing about the fake relationship thing started asking me what faith i am. i said i was raised protestant, though i'm not very religious now, but that's something i want to change. i had never mentioned anything about being a protestant before and i had said several times that my family was greek orthodox but gaslight gatekeep girlboss

aaaand then the awkwardness began. those were probably the most awkward minutes of my life (we didn't stay for long because i thought the dad was gonna hit me [he probably was. i saw him clenching his fists several times]) and i don't think anyone has ever looked at me with such murderous intent as my bf's parents

update two electric boogaloo ig

i have a girlfriend now🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

i had trouble picking up on certain expressions as a child so i didn't understand what 'let them eat cake' was supposed to mean or why it was a bad thing i was like. aw that's nice she's giving the french peasants cake. why are people mad about this

BASICALLY it's meant to represent that the person saying it (often attributed to marie antoinette, although she didn't actually say it) is extremely out of touch and doesn't understand poverty. like, in context it's a rich person being told that poor people have no bread to eat and going "?? why don't they just eat cake then???", as if the problem was solely a lack of bread specifically and not, like, starvation. i guess a more modern analogue would be if a rich person was told that someone wasn't able to find an apartment and they were like "ohh they should just get a house instead!!!"

This is a common misconception actually, cake in this context didn’t mean what we consider cake today, the original quote wasn’t suggesting they eat something more expensive in an out of touch way. Cake was the word for the leftover bits and by-products of some other food making process.

It’s more akin to telling someone who can’t afford to buy regular cheese just to just eat the cheaper cheese byproduct. Or if you can’t afford an item that actually works long term just buy the cheaper alternative that’ll break in a year. Bit more of a slap in the face than just obliviously being out of touch with the working class.

hmmm really? the original quote was written in french and isn't actually cake, it's "qu'ils mangent de la brioche". my understanding is that brioche was considered a luxury at the time; i couldn't find any sources about the term brioche being used in the 18th century to refer to leftover bits. where did you learn that, i'm curious to look into it?

Brioche is a very fancy bread. It takes a TON of eggs to make so I thin the 'cake means leftover bits and by-products' isn't accurate at all. French is very particular about their bread names. I've also never encountered the word 'cake' meaning anything but 'sweet flour-based dessert' in my entire life.

In fact long before the date this quote is supposed to be from, cake already largely resembled what we recognize as cake these days (frosted and no longer just sweet bread). Whereas before that 'cake' could be all sorts of sweet breads across cultures.

So I think someone has been misinformed. It happens.

Ok, this is hear say from a different tumblr post, Lord knows someone has on hand, BUT (and I'm paraphrasing)

My understandings is yes Brioche, which was the fancier thus most expensive bread. The problem was the bakers were onky baking so much of the cheap stuff the masses could still barely afford. And the rest of the loaves were expensive stuff. The cheap stuff would run out quickly which was a huge problem. Thus

Let them eat brioche.

Which, like was suggested, is like telling someone struggling to find an affordable apartment, to just buy a house.

Tumblr's stupid dash placeholder really elevated this post.

stop believing that you ran out of time to shape yourself into who you want to be! stop believing that its ruined! stop believing you don’t have potential! you are not a fixed being! you have endless opportunities to grow.

Any time I feel the grip of anxiety that I’m too old or don’t have time to do something with my limited hours after work, I just remember the wisdom of the ancients:

I showed this post to my boyfriend and he tried to take his shirt off like a girl and 

uh

yeah

Out of the 82k notes my post got this is by far the best comment holy shit thank u for being u

So i tried it both ways and uh

i mean how do you do the first one without pulling out all your hair?

this made me laugh really hard….

and it made me realize that girls and boys pull their shirt off differently. /amazed

but seriously I think girls just do the cross arm thing because of HAIR like demonstrated 

So one year, one URL change, and a hair cut later, I decide to try again… FOR SCIENCE! 

Its not science unless you write it down so 

First method:

Well done, i guess…

Second:

I fucked up

Girls… how?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW WE CAN HAVE SUCH DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING OFF SHIRTS AND SO MUCH DIFFICULTY DOING IT THE OTHER WAY

I FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!

It’s all in the way that girl/boys shirts are made.

Girls shirts have less armpit room then boy’s do and are generally shorter so pulling it off over your head is more practical because by lifting your arms all the way up you make enough room for the sleeves to just slip off.

Boys shirts have more room and are generally longer so it is easy to slip them off over your head.

but if you take a girls shirt off like a boys shirt you will get your arms caught because there isn’t much armpit space.

and if you take a boys shirt off like a girls shit you will still have your head in it when you’ve lifted your arms all the way up because of the shirt’s length.

It has nothing to do with us. It is entirely to do with how our shirts are made. I figured it out for you. YOU’RE WELCOME!

bless you

look what is back on my dash. Jesus.

This came back but with ACTUAL SCIENCE you are the saviour of our generation

I have no words

I seriously just needed this

This deserves the 1 million+ notes it has.

Literally tumblr broke from sll the science

OK, there’s a lot of people who’ve seen way more stuff on here than I have, but that is NOT a normal glitched gif…

wait wHat i got it too

Y’all I can do it both ways really easily, and actually do the “girl” way more even though I wear guys shirts so idk

WHAT WAS THE THIRD GIF? I GOT THE GLITCH? (TUMBLR LET ME SAVE THE GLITCH?)

TUMBLR WTF?

Sometimes I wonder about this website.

world heritage post

"Caner Manor" by adonewithyou

happy resbang!!! thank you for letting me be your artist this year! i really like this fic and i had a ton of fun researching the outfits and dances. do check out the fic if you have the time!

I read the comic in one sitting less than an hour after finishing the movie, and wow I have many Thoughts™.

- It's very obvious the two versions were meant to cater to different audiences AND tell different messages. I don't get why people are going "But the comic was better! It had more nuance!" just because Nimona was easier to root for in the movie.

- The comic was written back when ND Stevenson was still trying to process a lot of stuff, so all the characters are morally grey/straight up evil and the climactic battle is between a Ballister who regrets turning against Nimona, even if it was to save others vs. a Nimona who's too hurt to care if her lashing out was going to hurt innocent people.

- By the time Nimona got a movie adaptation, ND was a lot more secure in his sexuality, so the climactic battle was Nimona vs. the Director, the symbol of religious oppression and bigotry. It's not just about your friends turning on you because you're "too much" for them anymore, it's also about a society that would rather bring itself to the brink of ruin than coexist with you.

- (I totally get why people were upset about Ballister's surname change, though. Like come on, the media dubbing him Blackheart just to be mean was RIGHT THERE).

- Nimona's metaphor for not shifting is such a neurodivergent thing. Even in the comic, Nimona's parents insisting she's a monster who replaced their daughter is reminiscent of the changeling myth, which is what many parents thought their neurodivergent kids were—changelings who replaced their "real" children.

- Ambrosius being trained to cut off HIS BOYFRIEND'S WHOLE FUCKING ARM instead of merely disarming him is a very cop thing to do. As much as cops claim they're trained to de-escalate situations, their training still teaches them to treat everyone as a potential threat, and that level of constant vigilance can turn anyone into a trigger-happy/arm-choppy bastard. Even the Director, who can use a sword but probably hasn't actually fought someone in ages, STILL can't see Ballister reaching for the squire's phone without assuming he has a weapon.

- And on that note, the Queen getting killed simply because she was trying to reform the Institution and allow commoners to become knights? That's the best "no such thing as a good cop" metaphor I've seen. Because even if there ARE good cops and they ARE in leadership positions, the system will crush them before they make any meaningful change. It's not a good institution that turned rotten, it's an institution that only exists to spread its rot and refuses to be good.

- That's why Ballister's characterisation is so different in the movie vs. the comic. Comic Ballister had 15 years to come to terms with his trauma and the Institution's evildoing, while Movie Ballister is still freshly traumatised and hasn't found a way to define himself beyond the role he was assigned by the Institution.

- Not to mention Comic Ambrosius was not very noble to begin with and genuinely believed Ballister was better suited to villainy than heroism, while Movie Ambrosius never wanted the glory that came with his lineage in the first place and only antagonised Ballister because of indoctrination he needed to unlearn (which he did, all by himself, after witnessing the lengths the Director will go to just to kill Nimona).

- It really shows how important it is to surround yourself with loved ones who are open to change. Comic Ambrosius can love Ballister all he wants, but he'll still blast his arm off because he thinks Ballister deserved it anyway. Movie Ambrosius will stop to question what "the right thing" even means, even if he didn't love Ballister enough to defend him unconditionally.

I have so many more thoughts bubbling beneath the surface, but I'll probably address them some other day. In conclusion:

Watch Nimona. This is not a request.

Back with more Nimona thoughts, y'all.

- It's definitely possible that the Director wasn't reacting on instinct when Ballister reached for the "weapon", and she was lying off her ass to escalate the situation until someone killed Ballister and/or Nimona. Something something instinctive prejudice, something something deliberate evil, something something police brutality is both.

- So much of the Director's "Boohoo, that wasn't me it was the shapeshifting monster" charade could have been debunked if Ballister planned ahead and recorded Nimona shifting back BEFORE he revealed himself. Classic "underestimating the enemy" move.

- Ambrosius going from "He killed the Queen" to "He's being manipulated, I can still save him from the monster's evil clutches" is a nice parallel to Ballister going from "He didn't mean to chop off my arm, it's what he was trained to do" to "If I can show this video to Ambrosius, he'll believe me". Both of them are still clinging onto old beliefs because that's all they've ever known, but the one constant is their desire to be together again. Just. ARGH. THESE TWO GAYS I CANNOT.

- Movie Ballister unlearning his prejudices over the course of the movie is a very important thing to portray, because no one is immune to propaganda and dismissing bigots as individuals who chose to be evil instead of addressing the system that produces them is the political equivalent of bailing water out of a sinking boat while going, "Dang, why won't these water droplets magically gain sentience and stop flooding my boat—or better yet, help stop the leak?"

- (Because let's be real, a society that values conformity and authoritarian control isn't going to install a Free Will Ex Machina switch in bigots that will automatically turn them good if X condition is met. Creating mindless robots who will persecute any minority without stopping to question things IS the point.)

- (Case in point: Gloreth, who could have been Nimona's best friend forever until she fell victim to her community's prejudices and didn't even stop to question them. She wasn't secretly evil the whole time, she was just a kid surrounded by people who actively prevented her from knowing better.)

- That being said, I LOVE that Movie Nimona never gave a single fuck about Ballister's discomfort and continued to be herself until he came around. The point isn't to dismiss the impact of conservative indoctrination or make endless excuses for people who reject every opportunity to reform themselves, it's to make some room for empathy without debasing yourself for people who won't even meet you a quarter of the way.

- It's a nice contrast to Comic Ballister the Morally Grey but Still Reasonable Anti-Hero and Comic Nimona the Cool Punk Gremlin Who Kinda Needs To Keep Her Destructive Tendencies In Check.

- The comic was radical because it validated people who were tired of being nice and just wanted to go apeshit, because fuck everyone who believes you're something to be saved or fixed.

- The movie was radical because it acknowledged that destroying your enemies sometimes just destroys you even more instead of bringing catharsis, and that's okay because fuck everyone who demands you choose between burning the world or being burned when all you wanted was a life of peace.

- I can kind of see why people thought Nimona's ending was anticlimactic but honestly, I think we've had enough buried gays. We deserve a little magic resurrection.

- (Besides, there's this cool theory that Nimona deliberately took the form of a phoenix before killing the Director so that she could be reborn, and I can't remember who OP was but damn if that isn't a great in-universe explanation.)

Again, in conclusion:

[ID: A pink-haired Nimona doing the sign of the horns with a maniacal grin while Ballister, a black-armoured brown knight, looks confused and dazed in the background.]

Go watch Nimona right fucking now. Rewatch it, if you've already done so. Hell, get the comic and reread it too. Join me in my Nimona obsession.

being a girl and hitting puberty is so traumatic. you go from being a genderless little free thing to being hit with shaving and makeup and growing breasts and skincare and menstruation and suddenly being sexualised when like a few years ago you could take your shirt off to play in the stream and trade yugioh cards with the boys and come home covered in mud and not even think about it. and then you spend years hating being a girl and hating everything puberty did to you and wishing you could be a boy or be completely genderless again and it takes you Many years to come to terms with yourself Or you simply try to Lean In to everything and do makeup tutorials on YouTube and claim it’s for fun. like how can this be treated as normal

trans people AND cis women 🤝 struggling to exist in a marked body which the world wants to shape, control and project meaning on to against your will

i think one of the most important things you learn about making connections with others is that a significant portion of the time people just do not know theyre doing what theyre doing

sometimes someone is acting selfish because they just didnt think you had any interest in what theyre hogging. sometimes you dont get invited to the movies because your friend could have sworn that you said no. sometimes you think someone is mad at you because theyre bad at hiding how little sleep they got. we are all like little worlds that briefly crash into one another from time to time and we just arent physically capable of seeing the whole picture at once in those moments. and learning that really changed everything!

Cyanometer - an instrument for measuring blueness, specifically the color intensity of blue sky - attributed to Horace-Bénédict de Saussure and Alexander von Humboldt

you mothers fucker don’t need to make us scroll forty goddamn linear feet.

The thing with amateur local theater is it is almost always bad BUT keeping it alive is the most important thing

The joys of artistic expression cannot be limited to talented people everybody needs it to survive

This is such a hilarious take we should give untalented people who make bad art money you know just because guys

Exactly. Glad you understand 💗

I feel like some people have fundamentally misunderstood the point of funding the arts. It's not about receiving quality art products, it's about giving people an opportunity to engage in the act of creation. Because, you know, we're human beings and art is fundamental to us.

It's a) extremely classist an b) detrimental to art and society as a whole to try and confine it to people who are already good at it. Let people do things they're bad at. Let people engage with art in a way they find fun and fulfilling, even if you don't like what they make. Give people a safe space to be artists. And yeah, let folks put on crummy theatre. You don't have to buy a ticket, but you should absolutely respect their right to sell them.

tumblr puritans have never spoken to a kinky person and you can tell this because they talk about ~scary~ kinks like a child who thinks their teacher sleeps at school. they have a 1700s "actors cannot be trusted for they engage in obscene behavior" mindset. yes lil buddy people can in fact roleplay situations and then exit that roleplay and have different thoughts and actions 🤗 adding sex to performance does not actually cast a magic spell that turns you into a monster incapable of morality <3

Kink is just LARP that makes you cum.

...Hear me out.

If I say "Nooooo don't kill me!!!" while LARPing, my friend is still gonna whack me on the head with their foam battle axe bc that's what I want them to do. If I actually didn't want to get hit on the head, I'd say "WHOA WHOA WHOA TIME OUT TIME OUT" so they'd know I'm serious.

In the same way, if I say "Nooooo don't spank me!!!" and my partner still spanks me, THAT'S FINE. I want to get spanked, and I'm just playing along. It would only be a real problem if I were to say the agreed-upon safe word, the word that actually means no, and still get spanked.

See? LARP that makes you cum.

& to add on to that:

Your friend enjoying pretending to kill you in a safe and consensual enviroment where they know you are also having a good time does not mean they actually want to axe murder people.

And in the same way, your partner enjoying safely spanking you in a safe and consensual enviroment where they know you are also having a good time does not mean they actually want to beat you up

Some rando: You should think about stopping your prescription

Me: My pills make me not want to die tho

They: You shouldn’t want to die, that’s not normal

Me: Yeah that’s why I’m taking my pills

Again: But you aren’t the *real* you when you’re on your pills

Me: I’m the alive version of me

An actual doctor, once: “Relying On A Chemical Crutch For A Hormonal Imbalance Denies The Fortitude Of The Human Soul”

Me: Cool so like I’m agnostic

They: “But you might be on pills the rest of your life!”

Me: “So?”

Good! That means that I have a “rest of” my life to continue living!

Thanks to the pills.

Meanwhile, no person ever: “You should think about giving up your insulin/antiretrovirals/beta blockers/anti-rejection drugs/prosthetic legs/daily multivitamin, because using those your whole life is bad for some reason”

Oh no, they do that too.

I have a kidney transplant. A woman once told me she didn’t believe in organ transplants and that people should just die when they’re meant to. 

Sounds like a great set-up for a murder

People who are fully healthy, fit and neurotypical seem to think they are that way because they’re doing something right that the rest of us haven’t thought of, and not just because they got lucky

Speaking of the luck of the non-disabled…I once terrorized a Karen who was using me to teach her entitled kid that disabled people are Other and should not be treated with respect. I told her (truthfully) that until I was twenty-eight, I wasn’t visibly disabled. Then a defective chromosome that I hadn’t known about kicked in. So my luck ran out. But until then, I had been normal–just…like…her. 

The sheer terror on her face as the concept of “You mean I’ve just been lucky so far?” seeped into her brain was a thing of beauty.

People who are fully healthy, fit and neurotypical seem to think they are that way because they’re doing something right that the rest of us haven’t thought of, and not just because they got lucky

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“You are one stroke of bad luck, common viral illness, or traumatic event away from being just like me” is honestly the most terrifying thing you can tell an abled person - and you should. I was healthy and fit and doing everything ‘right’ too - right up until some inner switch flipped and my body crumbled right out from under me.

people change you and sometimes that is the worst thing in the entire world because you used to like yourself a little more but now you hate the flinch that lives in your shoulderblades and you overthink every moment and you never set a boundary without feeling internally destroyed and it fucking sucks because they shouldn't get to do that, they already ruined your life the once, it shouldn't echo into the future

but also people change you and sometimes that is the softest morning and the best surprise. realizing that you can divide things into perfect thirds without trying because you were a sibling in a group of 3 and always needed to measure out things. you learned to skip rope and step around cracks from the kid down the street. you love the way your favorite english teacher influenced your writing.

you're old enough these days to know your mother was right and you should take a coat just in case it gets cold but you are still too young to have outrun the thunderstorm of your childhood. you arrange your spoons the way you learned growing up but you've since reorganized the rest of your kitchen to make sense to you and the way that you like working. you fold your clothes actually still based on the marie kondo method (you just like the habit of it) but you allow yourself to just-loosely-chuck-some-of-it-in because really who has the fuckin' time for it.

you still can't be in the room while people look at your art (some kind of weird mix of guilt, shame, and embarrassment) but you picked up certain words and phrases from friends that help you slow down and treat yourself a little bit gentle with it. you always take other people's crafts with a reverence like praying, but you can't help that when you see your own work from a few years ago, you mirror someone else's snort of disdain. you saw other people's bodies and freckles and stretch marks and scars and you realized they are all still fucking beautiful to you, almost obscenely so, because they belong to someone you care for so deeply that it blocks out the sun - but you can't help the little flash of self-judgement whenever you pass a mirror; the voice from too-many years of 90's and 00's skinny-means-you've-won.

and it's kind of funny because you meet someone new and while they're making friends with you, you get to see these little stories playing out of them. you meet your mom and you think oh that's where they get the accent and you meet their college roommate and you think that's the same joke you both make and you meet their friend and you think ah so this is explains the oddly vast knowledge of freshwater lakes

and then one day in the mirror you reach your hand up to push back your hair and you think - oh shit, that was them. or you make a comment and you think ah, stole that from someone else. or you stand in the store and get that random flash of they would totally tell me to buy this. and it is like a little strange river to bind you to them - that over all this time and space, their hands guide your hands and your heart in silence. it is good and it is bad and is so precious and so horrible. it is both proof of love on this earth and it is also the thing that is keeping you hurt.

a little promise that is probably true: somewhere out there, your hands are ever-so-often guiding them too.

Genuinely and unironically my philosophy abt music has expanded to “stop writing off music because it’s from a specific genre” and I think that could be applied to most mediums actually

Is country music really all bad or are you only catching snippets of christonationalist propaganda on the radio? Are horror movies always shallow torture porn or are you just thinking of trailers you saw for slasher movies? Are fantasy novels only for kids or was the last one you picked up Harry Potter? Is anime always fan service or are you just running into ecchi clips online over and over and over? Are you looking for good media or are you finding bad media and considering it representative?

AND SPIDER-MAN

First humans ever to leave the solar system suddenly drop out of communications and the ship can't be found with any equipment. After one month of no contact their home countries start reluctantly holding funerals for the space heroes only for them all to turn up, healthy, well fed and extremely disoriented, in the middle of Tokyo, talking about alien abduction. Turns out that aliens found the poor humans straying out of their solar system, presumably lost, and took them to Alien Wildlife Rehabilitation before dumping them back in the middle of their native habitat.

#bonus points if none if the crew are Japanese#aliens just dropped where they thought was best

I literally just googled "city with the highest population"

I’ll bet they have cool new tattoos that turn out to be tracking devices too. Just in case these spirited individuals try to make another break for it.

... do the tats make them stupid popular, like that time scientists gave birds tracker anklets and it accidentally made them ultra fuckable

Let’s say yes. Those alien scientists are learning so much, and none of it is accurate.