hi I’m a therapist some people come to me to break down severe childhood trauma some people come to me because their job is super stressful some people come to me because they’re worried all the time about stuff that they know they shouldn’t be worried about but they worry anyway some people come to me because they’re bad at focusing some people come to me because their mom said they should but they’re enjoying the experience anyway what i’m saying is there is no wrong time, reason, or explanation to come see a therapist. we’re ready for you.

*Slaps my shitty 5 foot something body* this piece of shit mothefucker can fit so mcuh Love

Sandwiches are the most valuable use of my time

I feel this on a spiritual level! I recently was kidnapped while buying sandwiches and while the guy was screaming at me to give him all the money in my wallet, I was literally like "I SPENT MY LAST DOLLAR ON THESE SUBS, DUDE" and long story short, he ended up throwing me out of his car on the highway and I had to walk home, footlongs in clutch. Later, after the police left, my best friend and I were finally enjoying these delicious Subway delights and I asked "so we're these worth me getting stolen?" she nodded and took her last bite. Moral of the story: sandwiches are more valuable than my life.

I’m always a slut for deep conversations and exploring our feelings at 1am

*me @ the demon under my bed* scoot over i wanna cuddle 

My neighbor kid: HIII!!! HEEYYYYY, WHY ARE YOU- *starts running towards me very fast* WHY’S YOUR HAIR PINK???

Me, frantically struggling to unlock my front door: I don’t know!!!

Strong girl..

So i went on a date to a haunted house and made friends with the girls behind us. As we’re going through, one of them is holding my hand and a guy leaps out and separates us. I panic as my date is pulling me along, I reach back for her and grab her hand in a group of three other performers and start getting out if there. After a bit I look back to check on her and I discover I’m holding the hand of a six foot tall zombie creature and not a 5'2" girl.

Cue the most terrifying realization of my life.

I had basically kidnapped this performer from his section and abandoned the girl and her friend behind us.

Yes, I screamed. My date thought it was Hilarious.

Yes, we found the girls. Turns out when I grabbed the performers hand, he grabbed theirs so our group wouldn’t be separated. So there was just this zombie in the middle of our group line for like fifty feet

This is like a Scooby Doo bit I love it

Do u ever just think about the first time u met someone & then compare it to where u guys are now & its like wow who knew this would happen.

I don’t follow the “respect is earned” philosophy. I respect everyone automatically and then each person has the opportunity to lose my respect based on their behavior.

So, if you put your URL in here, you can listen to all the music you’ve ever blogged.

Oh my sweet baby Jesus.

The happiness I feel right now is amazing

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW LONG IVE BEEN LOOKING AND WAITING FOR THIS GODDAMN POST TO COME BACK AND THIS TIME IM FUCKING REFERENCING IT 

ITS BACK ON MY DASH BLESS

date a girl who says “fight me” to everything, including inanimate objects

The recommended age to have an Ouija board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

i dont wanna be on tumblr when we find out who wins the election 

it’s either going to be the biggest fucking party of all times or the apocalypse 

i was just going through my blog and re-discovered this post from 2012 and i can’t believe it’s relevant again

i love when people rant to me like yes i am entrusted with your hate

story time

This was a wild ride

Who read this in Tina Belcher’s voice?

honestly? i did 

Famous Disney Characters As Ethnically Correct Humans by Pugletto.

I love this

Omg

No matter how bad your job is, remember it’s someone’s job to change hotel sheets on the 15th of February