Today I am feeling everything way too deeply.. and naturally I turn to posting on here.
This whole time I’ve been working towards achieving greatness and experiencing self-love… did I actually already peak? Did I actually pass what was the highest point in my life without even realizing?
Where do I go from here—
Tonight, I’m catapulted back in time. I think of memories I have not thought about in ages. And I cry. A fond memory of going to an art and school supply shop called “The Learning Center” floods every crevice of my mind. I remember being young, a child. I recall walking through the aisles and sections they had set up. I remember those rotating stands. I asked my parents if I could have this small package of gingerbread-men-and-women-like paper cutouts. They were packaged in a small plastic slip, folded over, and enclosed by that thin cardboard and stapled. I have never cried so hard at such a seemingly insignificant memory. But tonight I do.
Present day me has been digging my nails in the ground in attempt to go back in time… to simpler times. I miss those easy days. I miss not worrying. I miss enjoying life. I feel like I’m stuck in a deep, deep hole… But instead of making my way up, I am only widening it, which adds more room to adapt and become somewhat comfortable. But I am still stuck.
I like to revisit my page every once in a while when I’m in a particular mood. I haven’t written anything recently. I’ve been writing in a thought journal instead of on here. However, I haven’t written in it for a few months now.
I like to go back and read my previous posts. Some are a dagger to my heart. I read it and re-experience that pain I felt.. except now, I have seen the resolution from that problem that hurt me so much once ago..
I feel that I have grown. I can still feel the tenderness of wet sand on my feet as the shore rises and falls. I can still feel it at the tip of my toes.. but I no longer feel the heavy currents reeling me into its agonizing and tumultuous depths.
I am happy with my improvement. I feel well.
