Lonely dark

I lay there in bed convulsing from my anxiety; crying out into the empty void of my room. “Make it stop” The feelings. The pain. My life. It’s my new mantra in the lonely dark. I’m yelling it, hoping someone will come. Hoping someone will help. No one ever does. I lay there night after night fighting my demons by myself. Waking up the next day to smile and pretend it’s all okay. No one knows the pain I conceal and the scorched tongue, from all the lies I’ve told, hidden behind my smile. My biggest lie: “I’m okay” My new mantra in the lonely light. Strange that I yell for help in the dark and hide my pain in the light. My demons only speak publicly when I am the only audience it seems. Maybe one day when they lay me in my box of silence I will have peace. But the demons tell me my time is coming and that it will be by my own hand. Funny that the place that I envision peace to finally be is in a box in the lonely dark forever. Go figure.

I’m done

I’m done pushing for friendships

I’m done being the one to start everything

I’m done trying to hang out with people

“I’m lazy” -says the one who wants to help me through tough times when I need them most

So I’m done

When you wake up and realize that I meant it when I said I was done then maybe you won’t be too “lazy” to come to my funeral