I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. 

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Why did the chicken cross the road? 

No one knows.

But the road will have its vengeance.

Doctors say 3 out of 5 people suffer from chronic diarrhea. 

2 out of 5 are sick fucks and enjoy it..

if two vegans get pissed at each other, is it still called beef? 

No, because it's beyond meat

What did the Indian kid say to his mother when he left for school? 

Mum bai.

A guy was driving in his car with a blonde. 

He told her to stick her head out of the window and check if the indicator light was working. She stuck her head out and said “ yes, no, yes, no, yes ,no”

A panda walks into a bar. 

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card?"

The panda calmly replies, "Oh, just card."

After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process.

The bartender, horrified, shouts, "What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!"

The panda says, "I'm a panda, man. Look it up." The panda then abruptly exits the bar.

The bartender confused, looks up "Panda" on Google. The description said:

"The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves."

Credits to "Eats, Shoots, & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation" by Lynne Truss

Someone just stole my thesaurus 

I have no words to describe how I feel.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? 

10.

1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar.. 

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one of you cow dung stole my horse better have it back by the time I finish my next drink, other wise I am going to have to do what I did in Texas. And trust me, I don't want to ever do that again".

He walks back to the bar, gets another drink, and slowly drinks it. The people in the bar started murmuring, talking amongst themselves and looking at the stranger with fear in their eyes.

The stranger finishes his drink, walks out and his horse was there where he left it. He got up on it, when the bartender and the bar patrons ran out after him.

The bartender said "Mister, we are sorry for what happened. But please tell us what happened in Texas after somebody stole your horse?"

The stranger looked at him and said, "I had to walk home".

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes. 

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes. 

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now for my third wish, I want an 18 inch monster roll with a THC-concentrate core!" And poof! The biggest blunt you've ever seen appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

Finally the genie gets up and slowly starts to stagger away. Then he stops, turns his head and smiles, and says, "ok man, one more wish"

I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography. 

That's the story of my life.

My asshole neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am last night! 

Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes

Yesterday my friend told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. 

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Pavlov walks into a bar 

He orders a pint and sits at a table sipping his beer.

Suddenly the phone rings. "Oh shit!" Pavlov exclaims, jumping up to his feet. "I forgot to feed the dogs!"

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him. 

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him. 

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AGENT: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?"

Walking hand in hand, a daughter looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what did YOU want to name me?" 

"Zelda honey," he responded, "I wanted to name you Zelda. But on the night you were born, mommy said there was no way I was naming you Zelda. You see honey, mommy went through a lot that night, and I was in no position to win naming rights."

"But why Zelda?" she asked.

"Because Zelda is intelligent… kind… and is loved by the people around her. Just like you."

Liking the sound of that, she smiled at him and said, "Aww. I love you Daddy."

And smiling back he replied, "I love you too Ganon."

My neighbors are listening to great music. 

Whether they like it or not.