I looked in the mirror today and found my first gray hair.
I'm so upset I might dye.
Why aren't Koalas bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications :)
The storm last night made a tree fall and took out 25% of our roof.
Oof.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I asked my boss for a raise because 3 companies are after me. He asked me which ones?
I replied: gas, water and electric
How do you call a dictator that you can use to draw straight lines?
A ruler.
What does a janitor yell when he comes out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!!!
I was put on trial for sending a bunch of crows to a psych ward.
I was charged with committing a murder
I tried calling the Tinnitus help line
but it just keeps ringing.
To help the environment I am going to begin recycling.
I think I will start with my old bike.
Dropped a box of light switches
They were heavier than I thought
I've got a great picture of myself with the band R.E.M
That's Me in the Corner
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A Lamborghini
What did Captain America say on his wedding night?
“I can do this all day.”
What do you do when you get naked in the shower?
You turn it on.
I met three dominatrix named Sarah yesterday
They call themselves triceratops
I lost my job as a personal trainer recently Im just not strong enough.
So I put in my too weak notice.
There once was a King who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible leader, but he made a great ruler.
Why could you never starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there
How did the hacker get away from the police?
He ransomware.