FIVE SYMPTOMS OF A LAZY PERSON

1.

Why is there such a high risk of fire at the U.S. Open?

There are so many matches.

I can't believe I got fired from the clock factory.

I put in so many extra hours!

I am trying to teach my son chess but he struggles with the castles

He keeps making rookie mistakes

Teacher: Daniel if you had $5 in one pocket and $20 in the other what would you have?

Daniel: Somebody else's pants.

A limbo champion walks into a bar

and is immediately disqualified

The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 byte and everything crashed!

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The rabbit says, "I might be a typo."

What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Hulk?

A star-spangled Banner

It's pretty obvious that if you run in front of a moving car you will get tired but if you run behind it..

do you just get exhausted...?

What's leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe

I tell a LOT of dad jokes but I'm a woman.

I guess that just makes me a faux pa.

What line should you never use with an anti-vaxxer you want to date?

Let's give it a shot

How do you get a country girls attention?

A tractor

Why shouldnt you use a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat?

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not!

I quit my job working for Nike.

I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I just couldn't bring myself to quit my job at the bakery. I was underpaid and the hours were lousy but...

I needed the bread.

I don't trust cars with manual transmissions. They're really shifty.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger...

Then it hit me.