𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖛𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖆𝖎𝖓
it becomes very tricky when your mental illness unintentionally turns you into the villain in every relationship you (almost) get into. self sabotage has always been my forte. i like to describe myself as having the reverse midas touch — where everything i touch turns to shit, instead of gold. this is pretty harsh, but true. it becomes a problem though when someone else gets sucked into the self-saboteur vortex; when they had nothing but pure intentions.
i’ve had guys who i liked, but never really pursued or told in fear that they might not like me back; a valid fear. but as soon as they showed interest in me, it somehow always ends in us not speaking anymore over very seemingly small things that i managed to blow out of proportion. this, i guess, is a reflection of me and my insecurities because upon introspection, i realized that i never really believed that they actually loved me. just maybe that they felt a moral obligation to be with me or even pity since we were friends before that. (reading this over actually made me realize how irrational that thought is)
another fear of mine is boys falling in love with an idea of who i might be and that i’ll eventually end up disappointing them when they get to know the real me. this is mostly in relation to me being trans and being pre-transition / -hrt. i fear that images i put online may not translate into what i actually am in real life and i guess that’s a huge part of why i don’t put much of myself online. (among other reasons)
now with all that, how do i not become an emotional baggage to someone when they didn’t sign up for it? how do i stop myself from habitual isolation whenever i feel insecure? how do i not project my anxieties and learn to communicate clearly? i hope one day i reach a place where i have a healthy and loving relationship with myself and then be able to open myself up and be accepting of affection.
