[video of simon pegg walking outdoors.
[he laughs] Hello! It’s pride month, and as part of my due diligence in service of my brothers and sister and non-binary siblings in the LGBTQ+ community, I would like to move that the phrase ‘no homo’ be struck from the straight lexicon.
‘No homo’ is an expression used by straight people when they suddenly and inexplicably become terrified that an innocuous compliment might be construed as a sexual advance: 'Hey, no homo but your hair looks great. Hey, no homo but that’s a sick t-shirt bro!’ As if the term 'bro’ wasnt enough to establish the hysterical, panicky badges of your sexual orientation.
It’s not as if the phrase 'no homo’ is ever uttered before comments which are genuinely suggestive, flirtatious, or provocative anyway: 'Hey, no homo but the subtle curve of your penis in your speedos makes it really hard for me to concentrate on timing this [word unclear].’
And why would you use 'no homo’ in that context? You’d probably say something like: 'I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable’ or 'would you like to go swimming on Saturday?’
'No homo’ also represents a degree of hubris and arrogance which, quite frankly, beggars belief. The assumption by the complimenter that the complimentee might take an innocent comment about the neatness of a beard or the sharpness of a suit as a veiled invitation to some light rimming. This also plays into the heteronormative myth that the only criteria a gay man needs to find another man attractive is the presence of a penis.
The 'no homo’ disclaimer is also a casually derisive dismissal of hundreds of millions of people on this planet for whom heterosexuality is not the norm, reducing a common reality to a shameful affliction, such as herpes or being a member of the conservative party.
It also presupposes that the complimentee might disapprove if you were 'yes homo’, in which case that motherfucker didn’t deserve the compliment in the first place!
We don’t provide verbal disclaimers about our sexual proclivities anywhere else in our social interactions: 'Hey no bicurious, but you two make a lovely couple. Hey, no oedipal complex, but that was a really lovely pie mum. No bestial impulses, but who’s a good boy who’s a [devolves into gibberish cooing].’
Now I know I drifted away from loving consensual relationships into the realms of moral abhorrence there, but it was for comic effect so fuck you.
Women don’t use 'no homo’ as much because they’re not crippled by spastic masculinity like a lot of men. And men have absolutely no problem complimenting women without a statement of intent: 'Hey, I’m not trying to have sex with you, but you smell really nice today.’ Although, let’s face it, 90% of the time some sort of bodily fluid exchange is probably on the table.
As far as 'no homo’ is concerned, it just doesn’t fucking matter! I mean, who cares? So what if your friend does think you’re gay? If it bothers him that much, then maybe he’s not someone you want in your social quiver. And if he is someone whose friendship you value, educate him as to why your sexual orientation is of no consequence whatsoever. Tell the prick to get over himself.
Or flirt with him! Flirting with your straight friends can be enormous fun! It’s arguably less complex and fraught with the potential for misunderstanding than flirting with someone you’re attracted to. And it’s a way to evolve your behavior towards the gender you are attracted to.
As we as straight men evolve, we grow to learn that behaviors we thought were playful and acceptable might actually make women feel uncomfortable or threatened. Flirting with your friends is exactly the education you might need to understand when you’re crossing certain lines. When you’re schmoozing your bestie and you have the urge to say 'no homo’, just make a mental note of that, and apply that to your interactions with women. And also don’t fucking say no homo. Relish the exchange of affection and don’t give a shit about how it’s construed.
I love flirting with my straight friends. I might see Nick Frost and say, 'Ooh look at you, aren’t you a big sexy bear of a man today.’ And he might say, 'You flirting with me, Simon?’ And I might say, 'Well… maybe I am.’ And he might say, 'W-well then I’ll tell Mrs. Pegg.’ And I’ll say, 'Well what she doesn’t know cant hurt her…’ And then he’ll say, 'You better watch it buddy because one day I might get you to put your money where your mouth is.’ And I might say, 'Well where do you want my mouth?’ And then he’ll probably go, 'Here. [points to his lips]’ and I’d just sort of look at him and- and, y'know…
