my mom, turning up “we will rock you”: football babey!

me, internally: straight people think they understand queen which is cute

it’s gay pride darling

“He wasn’t interested in football. So people think that ‘We Will Rock You’ and ‘We Are The Champions’ were written about football but they weren’t. They were written about people and how they feel.” ~ actual quote from Queen guitarist Brian May.

Before y'all go off about how it wasn’t written by Freddie Mercury just know that the others literally wrote their songs differently because they knew that Freddie would be singing it and that he wasn’t straight. If they wanted a song sung differently, they would usually sing it themselves instead of him.

They have also spoken about how they are proud that their songs are a part of queer culture so there’s that too.

dont even talk to me unless ur wearing these

mormons pass by

This afternoon confirms it:

Mormons have some kind of list of which houses NOT to stop at; they will pass you by when they are out doing their missionary thing. 

From the corner window, I saw two young guys in the white shirts and the ties walking up the block towards my sidewalk. Then they passed by and went up to the next house. 

I assume it’s because I engaged the last pair of Mormon missionaries with questions: why no one ever told them the truth about old Joe Smith who was a conman arrested twice in New York before he invented Mormonism, why a supposed divinely-inspired text would be full of untruths about Native Americans, how old Joe Smith’s doctrine of religious polygamy was an attempt to bamboozle people who thought he was immoral for marrying several young girls … 

I also assume they reported my questions back to their mission leader and he (well, it would be a he, wouldn’t it, knowing Mormon views of women in leadership) must have put my address on a no-go list to avoid the chance that I might contaminate the faith of a future Mormon. 

Poor kids. They are lied to their whole lives. Poor me, I missed my chance to enlighten a couple of ‘em.  

LOL They absolutely do X your house. My dad was a shift worker and they once woke him up about 30 minutes after he’d gone to bed. He answered the door, naked as the day he was born and furious, and threatened to strangle them all with their ties. They never ever returned–and my parents lived in that house for 25 years.

oh lord what a great story! Glad I wasn’t there to see it, though 🍑

Piling on:

I lived for a while in a communal household with a bunch of people who rescued animals, and for a while we had this incredibly sweet Burmese python named Dolores that we were caring for. She rebounded from neglect very quickly and was basically a joyful and energetic bundle of sunshine, but she’d had mites and they were hard to get rid of. Treatment includes coating the snake with olive oil and waiting an hour, which causes the mites to suffocate. Now, it’s not a good idea to put an eleven-foot long greased snake into a glass habitat, so the best bet was to hold her for the hour. This was a formidable task, as Dolores weighed almost seventy pounds, but as i am a robust and muscular individual i stripped down to my underpants, picked up Dolores, and went about my business in a very slippery and greasy way (i was test-fitting new fangs for halloween).

Which was when the mormons stopped by. My housemates had seen them from the front windows, which was why they insisted i answer the door. 

Me, befanged, mohawked, tattooed, pierced, greased, naked except for a ripped and sagging pair of drawers and an enthusiastic and friendly seventy-pound oily snake: hi!

Dolores, who was really having such an awesome day: new friends? yes? hello? you have treats?

Mormons: sorry wrong house. (they actually turned whiter i did not think that would have been possible)

Me (to housemates): keep an eye out for the assembly of god folks, okay? we might as well do this right.

One of my SCA buddies was dressed to go to an event when the Mormons knocked.  He answered the door in his black, hooded cloak, long knife strapped on, and then looked back and called, “Brothers!  The sacrifices have arrived!”

As you might imagine, those were the last Mormons he ever saw at that house.

Not as dramatic as the above stories, but my stepdad was once moving into a 2nd story apartment and the Mormons dropped by. My stepdad, always on the hunt for an opportunity to be “a cheap bastard,” asked if they’d help him move his couch up the staircase. To their credit, they did help move the couch … but strangely enough he never got visited by the Mormons ever again after that day.

@tinyearthquakepatrol

Wasn’t present for this as it happened before my birth, but it’s something of a family legend.

It was springtime during the years where my grandfather was making a go at being a farmer again, post retirement from the telephone company. Part of this was raising goats, so there were many baby goats bouncing around.

My grandparents had also just gotten a load of gravel delivered with the intent of covering the driveway with it. That hadn’t happened yet but the family children had leveled off a sort of plateau in the big pile while playing.

Enter the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

My mom was tasked with restraining Grandma’s gangster dogs, Clyde, Mugsy, and Ralph who were all offering to chase off the intruders very vocally. This landed my mom a front row seat for what went down next.

Grandma Sharon listens to the whole pitch very enthusiastically, smiling and nodding along. Eventually they get to the end and ask if she would like to attend services with them.

“Oh we’d love to,” she replied with her best, most innocent of smiles. “And in return we’d like you to come worship with us! We’re sacrificing a goat to Diana at the full moon!” And she swept her arm out to point at the impromptu rock pile alter.

As my mom says, “never saw two people leave so fast. And they never came back.”

Alas, I was never willing to do more than just explain I had a morman relative, was pagan, had read the book, and had no interest in converting. But should you want to be taken off the list, Mormons are told not to talk to people that have no interest in converting and are inclined to debate Christian theory, Mormonism, or really anything that might inspire doubt in the missionaries.

Onetime a couple of LDS missionaries came to my flat and I… don’t think I was that weird at them? I think I was wearing a blue & white vintage batik kaftan and maybe the place lowkey smelled of weed, but I was hyperfocused on comparative religion that month so I opened the door like “OMG are you guys Mormons? That’s awesome! I’ve been hoping you’d show up I want to know all about your religion and I didn’t know how to get in touch with you! Can I have a copy of your book? Do you want to come in?!” and they gave me a copy of their book (I never did get around to reading it), made an appointment to come back another day, and apparently blacklisted my place on the spot because I never saw them again.

Which was frankly a little bit rude of them.

so a former roommate had (British?) penal orange overalls, from dressing as Nathan from Misfits for Dragoncon one year, as an excuse to shout profanity. after the con, he wore the thing as pjs pretty often, and answered the door to greet a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses in it at least once.

my roommate @decoplusboco usually talks to missionaries because comparative religion fan i guess

the one time i answered the door for someone who wanted to talk to me about jesus, it went something like 

them: Hi! We noticed you moved in recently! Have you thought about attending [some church]

me, standing on a skull doormat, wearing all black with a prominent ankh ring: uhhhh no i. i wasnt thinking about that. 

this is not counting the multiple times i thought girls were hitting on me at work when i was a barista and they were actually leading up to inviting me to church or telling me about jesus. you’d think this wouldn’t be an easy thing to mix up but

look, when a girl slides you a napkin with her number and “Call me! :) “ written on it, i dont think im out of line in assuming she’s flirting. AND YET. 

My mother got our house X’d when I was a kid. She accepted their free copy of the book of Mormon. They saw a plump little lady. She invited them to come back for tea a week later.

That was all the time she needed to read it and make a list of every theological and other contradiction in it. She took those poor guys apart.

People thought my mother had a degree in education or music because she was a music teacher. Or they thought she didn’t have one at all because of her appearance and manner.

What my mother actually had…

…was a degree in theology.

This wasn’t the only time she weaponized it against what she used to call “evan-jellyfish”

have to reblog for “evanjellyfish”

Thanks everyone for the wonderful and inspirational stories. As an atheist person who had to pass today by the humongous, empty, brand new and pristine Mormon church with a pristine never used basketball court (Ecuadorians are crazy about basketball…)*** and will see Jehowa Witnesses waiting for the catch of the day at the town plaza tomorrow, I appreciate this deeply. 

*** Why the church existence irritates the shit out of me? Because I live across a school; kids in the communities up in the mountains wake up at 4:30am, to make it to school on foot or a bike. A small school bus or two… never mind. 

very firmly ex-mormon here; most mormon church buildings i’ve been to have a basketball court. absolutely no idea why.

An Intro To Indian Dishes, by BuzzFeed India

Food Network is shook!

Give this girl her own show!!!

“because mom said so” is literally how i learned to cook i’m screaming

I love it

lesbians living in a heteronormative script

english: coconut oil

french: :)

english: oh boy

french: oil of the nut of the coco

IM CRYINGNFN

english: ninety-nine

french: :)

english: oh no

french: four-twenty-ten-nine

english: potato

french: :)

english: oh geez

french: apple of the earth

french: papillon

english: :)

french: don’t

english: beurremouche

French: pamplemousse English: :) French: pls no English: raisinfruit

english: squirrel

german: :)

english: oh dear

german: oak croissant

english: helicopter german: :) english: uh oh german: lifting screwdriver

english: toes

spanish: :)

english: no don’t

spanish : fingers of the feet

english: bowl

spanish: :)

english: oh lordy

spanish: deep plate

english: car

polish: :)

english: i changed my mind

polish:  that which walks by itself

french: coccinelle

UK english: ladybird!

american english: ladybug

french: weird

dutch: :)

french: …what

dutch: the good lord’s little animal

french: …ok

irish, polish and russian: *giggling*

french: …just tell me

irish, polish and russian: GOD’S SMALL COW

IT’S BACK

german: Marie’s beetle

english: ankle

japanese: :)

english: //lies down for an eternal sleep

japanese: foot neck

English: Dragon

Finn: :)

English: dear god no

Finn: salmon snake

Me every time I go into my room

me trying to achieve inner peace

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good

Keira Knightley 20 January 2018

Does anyone else remember the story about that poor lesbian who came out to her mother and her mother cried and said “it’s all that damn Keira Knightley’s fault, I knew I shouldn’t have let you watch pride and prejudice as a child” because I’m really feeling that now

Yes

Bonus

I’m screaming

More

Prince Philip is the most badass prince EVER. And here's why.

Okay, so he’s got a girly face, and he wears tights and some high boots. Sure.

But check out that noble steed. That’s one ready-to-kick-ass-and-take-names steed.

While other princesses just run away and leave nothing, Philip gets AN INVITE TO HER HOUSE. He gets a song, a dance, and a first date.

He comes home, just to tell his dad he’s not going to marry the princess because he’s in love.

No. Other. Reason. He rides in and is just like, “I met the girl I’m going to marry. Now I’ve got a birthday party to be at. Bye Dad.”

Now how much do you think his dad weighs? That short fat little man? Probably pretty heavy.Not a problem for Prince Philip.

And then he gets jumped by goblins, both hands tied behind his back

But that’s not enough to stop Prince Philip.Oh no.

He breaks his hands free and starts chucking goblins.

Look at that face. That face. The “BITCH JUST YOU WAIT” face. He may be tied down by a dozen goblins but he’s not gonna take no shit from this witch.

In fact, he’s so strong, she ends up keeping him chained to the wall, but he still fights back.

Now when he finally does get free–

He’s ready to go into battle UNARMED. He don’t need no shield or sword, he’s going to go punch Maleficent’s face in with his fist. If Flora didn’t stop him, he probably would have, too.

Backed up against a cliff edge, nowhere to go. Fighting off goblins. But there’s so many and just one Philip.

NBD I’LL JUST JUMP AND SLIDE DOWN THE ROCK PILE IN MY SKIN-TIGHT TIGHTS.

Gate closing?

who gives a fuck? certainly not prince philip.

Lighting hitting rocks around me?

NBD BRO

Giant forest of thorns?

Bitch, get out of my way. I’ve got a princess to save.

Giant dragon of hell?

CHARGE HEAD ON.

Fire? Dragon? Burning dry twigs? No. Fucking. Problem.

Just smack that bitch on the nose.

Sheer cliff face? Fire burning behind me? Back to a wall?

Calm down guys, I got this.

I’LL JUST FUCKING SCALE IT ONE-HANDED.

And fight the bloody beast from 500 feet high, with literally nothing to save me if I fall.

Lose the shield off the cliff?

JUST STAND THERE AND SMILE ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT A FUCKING MAGIC SWORD THAT’S GOING THROUGH YOUR HEART BITCH.

Just chuck it. Straight through.

Then jump out of the way…

And survive. That’s what happens to bitches who mess with the woman I love.

Get the horse.

Get the girl.

EXPLAIN NOTHING.

that’s how he EARNED his happily ever after.

Srsly. The most bad. ass. prince. disney ever wrote.

I 1,000% never thought of it from this point of view before and am now screaming Too Hot, Hot Damn, Made that dragon wanna retire man.

“EXPLAIN NOTHING”

a whole theatre

PLEASE LET THIS BE REAL

@thefingerfuckingfemalefury @cblgblog @chiribomb

Part of me thinks “Surely this isn’t true” but another part of me is like “This is not the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard”

There’s part of me that can’t possibly believe this is real, bit I’ve read parts of the Old Bailey records, and this is … not exactly normal, but not that far from it. People stole lots of shit, and drunk theater people are a very odd lot.

It’s real.

do yourself a favor and read “Oh God, Not Again!” by Sarah1281

i would like to add this excerpt which gives a completely accurate depiction of Oliver Wood’s character following a Quidditch loss:

There is also a death for the immortal jellyfish. He is very bored.

Artwork by Chris Gugliotti [webcomic | tumblr]

I drew another thing

I love Cat Death but I also really like how chill that fish was with Fish Death. 

Also the fact that the fish was named Todd. 

Cute story from work.

So this couple walks in- a broad-shouldered man with an accent (Italian, I think) and a man that I can best describe as looking like Cecil Palmer. 

“Okay- weird question. So you guys did our wedding- amazing by the way. And it’s been a month and just about all the flowers in the vases have died by now except for this one thing that’s really holding on in there. And we want to know what that plant is and how to take care of it to keep it alive. And we don’t know how to like… describe it and it sounds kind of weird to go to up to a stranger and say ‘hey what’s this weird wiggly green plant you put in our vases a month ago?’ but I guess that’s what I’m asking.”

“Sounds like curly willow. If you keep it in water it will eventually start rooting and you can grow a new plant from it from the cutting.” 

“That is too cool! What do you suggest we do?”

“Well, you can keep it in the water for now, but eventually you’ll want to pot it in soil because that’s how it’s going to get its nutrients.”

“Can we,” the Italian guy asks. “Can we plant it in the floor?” I figure he means ‘plant it outside.’ 

I nod. “It’ll keep growing.”

“What does it look like when it’s bigger? Does it stay like a wiggly stick?”

“Oh, no, it’ll branch out. It’s actually a tree.” 

The skinnier one turns to his husband and says:

“Did you hear that, honey? They gave us a tree! We have a tree now!” 

Italian man: “It’s our tree. We love our tree.”

Oh its fucking lit

WITNESS ME

WITNESSED

Alien: “why?”

Human: *shrugs*

she’s beauty 👏 she’s grace 👏 she’ll shoot you in the face👏

Where is her million dollar shampoo endorsement deal

Oldest Child Things

-Frustrated perfectionist

-Never Good Enough

-Works really hard to prove doesn’t care about other people’s opinions

-Cares too much

-Internal/eternal screaming

-Always ends up being the mom friend

-Bossy

-Skittish bundle of nerves or complete lump of oblivion

-Panics when criticized

-Unhealthy coping mechanisms

-0 or 100 all the time, no inbetween

the planets aren’t in gatorade anymore but my life still sucks????

Is this from Harry Potter’s divination paper

I can’t believe this is real!

of course it’s fucking anish kapoor

FUCK anish kapoor

Cate Blanchett though. 

get yourself someone who can do both

@gwen-no-fear