life update part 2

almost a year later and i’m 20, it’s february 5th ,2020 11:59 pm and i’m still a mess. it’s been a year since i’ve been going to therapy, and I absolutely love my therapist but the hard part about therapy is actually going. realizing your not okay to the point where you need help and someone to talk to. ive changed a lot going into 20, I stopped crying as much, actually I barely cry now. it’s weird. I’ll feel depressed but no tears really come out, but I just really want to cry and cry hard. I need to let it out but instead I just sit there emotionless, I feel empty. I still hate myself, and still am trying so hard to keep it together. difference now I actually have a boyfriend but I still feel alone. like how can you feel so alone and so loved at the same time? I don’t understand it. well till next time...

life update

I barely even use tumblr anymore, I feel like no one does, it became such an overrated thing that “emo people used back in middle school” but I thought i’d use this as something I can look back on. it’s april 29th at 1:54 AM. i’m 19 and in college. throughout this account i felt myself posting to get the attention of that one person that I wanted so dearly to notice the pain I was in, mentally. but they are irrelevant now. anyways, my mental health never really got better just learned how to stabilize myself better, I started therapy because of my depression getting progressively worse mainly because of not being able to cope with my grandmas death. I tell myself that i’ve accepted her death but I don’t think I ever will. i’m 19 and I feel like I don’t really know what i’m going to do with my life and it sucks because there’s so much pressure into having all your goals in order and ready to pursue but not really the case. im still trying so hard to bring myself up everyday and pushing myself to be a better person both mentally and physically. it’s really not easy especially when there’s so much pressure weighing you down. but you just got to ignore it and move on.