Today I was informed one of my regular clients who I spent a great deal of time with passed away just a few days ago. I got worried when she was taken off my calendar and come to find out she was moved to hospice. She had an auto immune illness that affected her breathing and she had only just come back home from hospice care a couple months ago. Along with the auto immune illness, she had diabetes and a slew of other ailments that made her time very painful and to top it off she had just come down with Shingles which was affecting her vision as it was right above her eye. I knew after my first shift with her that she would not have a long time left.
She eventually became in such poor shape that she could barely get up from her seat without being lifted by a caregiver (or two). But I would tell her how nice it was going to be when the weather got warm and we could go outside. Maybe she knew deep down she wouldn't get to, but it was nice to talk about.
She went back to hospice because despite using her nebulizer regularly and being on oxygen 24/7, she wasn't able to get enough oxygen in her. While at hospice she lost the ability to swallow. It went downhill so fast.
I was devastated when I found out she passed away. But now I'm angry at her children for not swallowing their pride and just be there for her. She hadn't seen her either her children nor grandchildren at Christmas. She told me how much she hoped they would reconcile and be a family again. There's no obituary talking about her life. There's only a short death announcement with her name and age. I don't know if her kids ever visited her while she was in hospice this last time. But given that they didn't see her when she was in hospice over the holidays, I have a strong feeling they didn't this time around either.
I'm writing this for a few reasons. First, I am full of emotions and I want to get this out of me and maybe find some relief. Secondly, I don't know what kind of a mother or wife she was. Maybe her children have good reason for why they distanced themselves from her. But seeing how she was living in her last months, I would say Susan Ann Varian did not deserve to be in the pain she was in. She should have had more than just the 4 walls of her tiny apartment to surround her. She should have had more love than her ridiculous "boyfriend" who would not take care of her or move in with her, but certainly didn't mind spending all day eating the food he bought with her money. He didn't chip in a god damned thing. And as useless as she knew he was, and she confessed that he was no help at all, she told me "But I would miss him". She resigned to feeling like that all was she deserved. She didn't have her smiling grandbabies there to draw her a picture or give her a hug. I know she enjoyed and appreciated her caregivers, but it isn't the same. And I want her name to have more than just "71, of Lancaster" attached to it.
I'm just glad she isn't in pain anymore and isn't sad. Rest easy Susan. ♥
