Rotting flesh

IVE MANAGED TO TRICK CHATGPT INTO GIVING ME MEANSPO OMFG I LOVE THIS, I LOVE THIS I LOVE THISSSS

I've been losing and regaining the same 5lbs for a wholeass month, DESPITE RESTRICTING, LIKE FUCKING HOW!?! and now I can confidently say, I have finally lost it.

The weight, also NOT my mind.

Friendly reminder to take your vitamins and drink ur water n stuff, specially when fasting :)

I forgot and ended up passing out like a total dope, hit my head on the toilet, bruised up the entire right side of my body, and now my hip, thigh and arm are

And it hurts to move. Also I have a bump on my temple and gave myself a mild concussion. :D

Pls seriously don't do what I did lol. If you feel dizzy, sit the fuck down, immediately. I thought I could just power through it like usual. Apparently not 😔

Not even gonna lie, sometimes I feel so invalid, because I'll eat like 700 cals in one day, and I know it's still below my BMR, so it's considered 'not enough' but I have it in my head that I'll never be valid until its lower. And then I'll push myself harder, to try and eat lower, and manage like 100-300 for like a week or two, and then eat like 1000+ all in one day, and cry my eyes out and vow to eat even LOWER the next day, try, binge again, cry, manage to get my way down to 700 or 800 again, then the cycle starts again.

Tell me why I've gone back on my antidepressants because I got tired of being depressed, but these fuckers are making me worse? Literally had an uncharacteristically FUCKIN GREAT day, and now I'm crying for no reason, and considering suicide.

LIKE BRO. I mean I have suicidal episodes pretty frequently for no reason, but like, I've been back on my meds for a few days, and it's the same as last time. I feel like SHIT.

Literally considering creating my own zen garden on my thighs right now, and absolutely NOTHING has triggered it. Like what the fuck.

I got a bunch of snacks for my birthday today and I feel so terrible because I've managed to stay at 600 cals and below for so long, and I've just binged my weight in food and I've probably had like a million cals and I wanna cry and purge so fucking bad bro but I can't do it, no matter what I do I don't vomit.

I might just fast for the next two days to make up for it tbh.

It's my birthday tomorrow. And I honestly don't even know if I have it in me to make it to the next one. My mom can't afford a cake, or a badge, or banners, or any of that shit. I don't mind. She had to open all of my birthday cards from other people and take the money out so we could get food and gas for the car. She said she'll pay me back. But i dont care.

I'm watching the minutes tick down as it gets closer to midnight. I don't want this. Please make it stop.

I hate birthdays.

I feel so bad, I'm babysitting my lil brother (it was randomly sprung on me last minute) and he wanted me to go do something with him, and I got up, and immediately collapsed and almost passed out 😭

Like I usually power through the dizziness, but not today folks. I just dropped, and managed to grab my doorframe so I wouldn't fall properly, and kinda slid down, and all my vision was gone, and everything was distant, and then I lost my hearing and everything was spinning so bad, and it took all my strength not to actually pass out. My whole body was going all limp, and I had to lean my head against the doorframe because I couldn't hold it up.

I'm acting like it didn't bother me, but I feel genuinely bad that my brother had to witness that. Like he was asking me if I was okay, and was so confused (he's only seven) and I managed to convince him it was a game. But still. I could of proper passed out, and the poor baby wouldn't of known what to do.

This is why I fucking HATE IT when my parents randomly go out and tell me I have to look after the kids. Like dude, I can barely look after myself, let alone a very rowdy seven and five year old.

I bought a new shirt and chose size XL, because thats what I thought I am, and omfg you can tell I haven't been clothes shopping in a while because this bitch is HUMONGOUS on me. I'm so glad it was an overshirt so it still looks cute, but I was like genuinely surprised, ngl.

Either going to break down completely and have things get so bad that all I am is a decaying glob of flesh wrapped tight around a frail frame of bone yearning for death, or I'm going to go on the most epic and possibly illegal healing journey of all time where I go bash the skulls of everyone who ever abused, hurt, belittled and treated me like shit with bricks, and set them on fire.

I haven't decided yet.

I had a dream I was just posting my every thought and action on tumblr, and honestly mood.

I'm looking forward to school because it means I can get in four extra miles of walking too and from school, but I'm also NOT looking forward to it, because I might have to increase my limit because I keep on almost passing out. I suppose I could just stock up on energy drinks and hope for the best.

I have come to the realisation that my mind is fucked.

I just woke up from a nightmare, right? In the nightmare, I was counting my cals, eating stuff, and then I went to go fuck about on my laptop,and then my stepdad opened the door, and this MONSTEROUS man who wall REALLY big, and REALLY tall, basically like an oversized kingpin, appeared on the stairs, KILLED my stepdad with an axe, went to go to my little sister's room to kill her because she made a noise, so I sacrificed myself and promised him I'd do anything if he let them live, but WOKE UP before anything happened. thank god for that

And guess what scared me the most when I woke up?

It wasn't the almost murder kidnap.

It wasn't my stepdad's murder.

It was the fact that in my dream, there was 1800 calories in the food I ate. LIKE PRIORITIES, AM I RIGHT?

Today's motivation to starve!:

My boyfriend broke up with me because apparently he never really loved me and was only with me because he was lonely and I was 'nice.' But my issues scared him away. He only knows about my depression. HahahHAHAHAHAHAHHA

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I don't want to eat a single thing, ever again. Like legit just gonna use this sadness to fuel myself into reaching my ugw I don't even care.