Masks off
Jennifer (JJ) jareau x Emily Prentiss
Tw: internalized homophobia
Summary: JJ has a hard time coming to terms with her sexuality.
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It started off slow, so slow that she didn’t even notice at first. She just chalked it off as nerves.
JJ was tasked with briefing and showing around the new agent, Emily Prentiss. When there was four sharp knocks at her office door, she called out for the women to come in. Her heart dropped for a moment and her stomach clenched.
Nerves. It’s what she told herself. But when she looked at the way Emily’s lips moved up to make a obviously rehearsed smile or her eyes moved around the room taking in the new environment she couldn’t help but stare.
The way Emily’s shirt hugged her skin or the way no hair was out of place, it made JJ’s skin crawl.
It happened again when Emily started to speak Arabic. She was so smart and already caught the eye of Gideon, which was a hard thing to accomplish.
Again though, it had to be nerve. She just missed her friend. Elle was gone and now a new agent was in her spot. In her chair; at her desk.
As Emily spent more time as a member of the team, JJ learned to suppress the feelings and Emily and herself became inseparable.
Every now and then the feelings and awkwardness would come back though.
After a tiring case they went up to their motel room, that they had to share. The motel rooms they shared is where JJ truly got to know Emily. The real Emily. Trip by trip JJ felt herself pulling pieces of Emily’s guard down.
It was around midnight and they both were wobbling around exhausted and probably smelly.
“I call showering first!” Emily exclaimed. JJ laughed and obliged.
The double bathroom doors were wooden with class stripes in the middle. JJ seemed to be more concerned about that than Emily did because when JJ looked up from unpacking her pajamas she saw a glimpse of Emily’s naked hip.
Immediately she looked away but the feeling in her stomach remained for a while.
It happened again on the jet when Emily fell asleep on JJ’s shoulder. At first it made JJ chuckle. Derek made a comment about how her neck was going to hurt when she woke up. Then it made JJ concerned. So she gently woke Emily up.
“Hey Em, put your legs up.” She whispered, as not the disturb her anymore then she’d already done.
Sleepily Emily did as she was told so her upper body fell to JJ’s lap. Looking at Emily it brought up feelings JJ had tried to suppress.
Now it made JJ uncomfortable. Looking at the women who always had a mask on, take that mask off made JJ’s stomach flip. Emily’s guard was down and she looked at peace.
JJ thought it was a beautiful picture.
She thought it was in her head. But then she caught Emily’s longing glances or the kind and thoughtful tasks she did that JJ never had to ask for.
Their hands touched a lot. To much to be accidental.
She found herself caring for Emily a exceptional amount. More than a normal friend. When Emily went into that basement and she got hit in the head with that piece of wood, JJ didn’t leave her side.
Wouldn’t even let her go home alone. She showed up to her apartment with take out and a hug. They spent the night watching movies and giggling. Their hands touched a lot then but the alcohol she’d drink prior prevented her from caring so much.
She actually forgot why she cared so much in the first place. Emily moved to snuggle closer as she got tired and JJ leaned down to kiss her nose.
Emily sat up. The last pieces of the mask protecting Emily from pain disappeared. Looking directly at JJ, Emily kissed her back. It was soft and sweet.
Soon they drifted off to sleep together. When JJ woke up she was alone. She couldn’t clearly remember what had happened last night (or that’s what she told herself at least) but she can remember the feelings she had.
No. It’s wrong. Not right, she thought. It’s gross and unnatural. When Emily got back from the bathroom, she immediately recognized the withdrawal so she matched the energy.
The morning ended awkwardly.
Eventually JJ met Will. She thought she liked him. She hadn’t thought about Emily in that way for a long time. She was just confused.
She loved Will, she realized that now and her and Emily were good. Best friends. Only.
Now she’s pregnant. JJ had always wanted to have kids. Everything was perfect. Will proposed and they went to a courthouse the next morning. Afterwards they had a small get together. Everything Was perfect, until she had to go and mess it up.
Emily and Reid were being held captive. JJ couldn’t function; she couldn’t breath or think. All she thought about was Emily.
They all heard her getting beaten and she thought she was going to be sick. When the building blew up she saw Reid stumble out and she hugged him tightly but Emily didn’t come out.
Reid and her walked forward, holding their breath.
JJ, who was not allowed to go farther than a few feet due to her very pregnant belly ran (to the best of her ability) when she saw a brunette women emerge from the rubble.
Derek reached her first and they walked over to where her and Reid were being held back.
Emily immediately embraced Reid in a hug, then turned to JJ.
Their hug was different. Intimate and long.
“Im so glad your okay.” JJ whispered in Emily’s neck.
It was that night she realized what she was. Who she was. It scared her to no end. It made her head hurt to think about the logistics and consequences of her stupid feelings.
She made a commitment, was starting a family. JJ laid next to her husband and she cried. When he asked what was wrong she lied. JJ knew she had to tell Will and she wouldn’t cheat on him anymore than she already is.
JJ went to go talk to Emily. It didn’t end well.
Once JJ told Emily how she felt, she broke out a huge smile. She cupped JJ’s face and leaned in to kiss her. Emily let go when JJ pulled away before she could kiss her. And embarrassed blushed creeped up Emily’s neck.
“When are you gonna tell Will?” She questioned, hopefully.
JJ looked back at her confused, “I can’t tell him.” She let go of Emily’s hands.
“No Emily you don’t get it, I can’t.” Her tone raised.
“JJ then why did you tell me?” Emily too raised her tone. Before JJ could speak again she continued. “I’ve been waiting for you for nearly three years. Now you tell me you love me and want to be with me, but you can’t tell Will.”
“So why the hell did you tell me? Just to make me feel like more of an idiot for falling in love with a straight girl?!” Emily yelled.
JJ being pregnant and hormonal she felt her eyes water before leaving Emily’s apartment abruptly.
JJ gave birth to Henry and went to start her maternity leave with Will. She felt so guilty for the way she was. For what she was doing to Will and Emily but this break gave her time to gain perspective.
A few weeks in to her maternity leave, she went to visit the team. To show off the baby and see how her team was doing. Emily seemed to be okay around her. Her eyes swam with silent apologies whenever they made eye contact.
JJ snuck off with Hotch, leaving the baby with the rest of the group. In his office, she sat on his couch and he sat next to her.
“What’s wrong JJ?” He questioned.
“I um I think-“ she sighs cutting herself off. “My mom sent me to this Christian camp for girls when I was younger.”
“I didn’t remember why or what even happed until a few weeks ago. It was to brainwash queer girls into being straight.” She gaged the look on his face before continuing but when it was the same as it was before she kept going.
“She caught me with my friend, Aniya Anderson in the 7th grade and I thought being with a girl was unnatural and gross but..”
“But now all I wanna do is be with one.”
“Is there one in particular?” He questioned, a knowing look in his eyes.
“Yeah.” She whispered. “But I don’t know what to do because of Will and Henry. Hotch please tell me what to do.”
“Jayje, you already know what to do. And whatever you do the team and myself will support it. Including Emily.” He patted her shoulder, comfortably.
“I don’t wanna hurt him. Or disappoint her, I’m the only daughter she has left.” JJ found herself tearing up.
“You shouldn’t be hurt anymore also. Being with someone you don’t love and hating yourself will just end your marriage anyway. But it’ll be longer and more painful. You’ve got to think of yourself, not your mother.”
He knits his eyebrows together and adds, “if your mother doesn’t approve then do you really want her in your life anyway?”
JJ knows what she has to do now.
She shakes her head no. “Thanks Hotch.” She whips a few tears from her cheeks and stands.
“Now let’s go back before Derek drops him or something.” Hotch wraps a arm around JJ.
JJ tells Will that they need to talk. JJ’s head spins along with her stomach as the nerves threaten to eat her alive.
They sit on the couch, and already tears are escaping JJ’s eyes. Will places a hand on JJ’s cheek, tenderly.
“What’s the matter love?“ he says with a think Louisiana accent and the nickname makes JJ cry more.
She tells him the story of the church conversion camp and he lovingly rubs her back. She starts with an apology. So many apologies.
“JJ you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” He kisses her cheek.
“I’m in love with Emily.” She just blurts out.
The silence is thick and painful.
Will looks stunned and hurt.
“I didn’t know, when I first met you, I truly thought I loved you romantically but I just.. I can’t. Will I’m so so sorry.” More tears fell from her eyes as she felt her mask peel off her skin. Completely showing herself to the world.
After a few moments of silence JJ begged wills to say something, anything.
“I’m sorry that happened to you JJ.. and I’m not mad I just.. I’m processing.” He looked at the wall in front of him and JJ felt the comforting hand he had on her shoulder vacate.
“We will work this out so Henry has two present parents… we can still be friends right?” Will chuckled before a few tears also escaped his eyes.
“Yes of course we will.” JJ engulfed him a tight hug.
Four sharp knocks on Emily’s door made her leave her couch to see who it was. She was surprised to see JJ.
JJ could only imagine how bad she looked. Her eyes swollen and red; her face puffy. Emily looked concerned and confused when she opened the door.
Once JJ was face to face with Emily she reached her hands to cup Emily’s face.
“My turn.” She whispered and leaned into kiss Emily. This kiss wasn’t as soft and sweet. It was desperate and hot.
Pulling way for air, Emily questioned JJ with her eyes.
“I told Will.” She said out of breath, close to Emily’s face, and still holding on to her as if she would float away.
“And I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.” JJ pulled Emily in for another kiss, then both smiling though out it.
With time both women’s masks were fully removed, no longer hiding from each other. From themselves.
