listen hobbit pussy could be mediocre (doubtful) but even if it was it's still followed by a 17 course homecooked meal and the kind of weed that would make sauron scared. lithe beautiful immortal elven pussy has no power compared to the simple, hardworking hobbit. and it goes without saying that you cannot handle dwarven pussy.
you know her bush is adorned with elaborate braids representing a long family tradition of training a grip that could deglove your member if she so chose
dwarf pussy could shuck your foreskin off like a corn husk
*cracks knuckles* ok. Tolkien nerd here, and this post has a definite canonical factual basis. Here’s my opinions
The idea that Elves give vanilla pussy is actually confirmed by Tolkien canon bc Tolkien said that in general elves very rarely have sex or only do it have kids if at all. Yeah they’re very good at fighting and supermodel-level pretty but they’re also a bit nerdy and aloof and apparently do not like to fuck or have almost net zero sex experience. Perhaps related to Tolkien’s Christian beliefs, but idk. Sorry 2000’s Wattpad girlies but fucking Legolas or other hot elves would probably be very awkward. Hobbits probably give some of the best pussy in middle earth because according to the books hobbits only do jobs because they care about their community, and stuff like being the mayor of Hobbiton or a gardener or a farmer or a neighborhood watchman is considered necessary, but hobbits take turns doing it throughout the years. Hobbit culture is mostly just lazing around all day doing whatever the fuck you want, eating good food, throwing raging parties, and smoking weed well enough to defeat Snoop Dogg. Safe to say that hobbits are absolute menaces in bed as they probably fuck a lot and fuck wildly as there’s not much to do for fun in the country except go exploring, do drugs, have sex, or all 3 at once.
(fun fact: according to Tolkien’s notes on hobbits, it was a cultural tradition for hobbits to never talk about who they liked or dated or were getting married to until they both disappeared on a honeymoon for a while. Then they came back and everyone was like “congrats on the marriage mr. Dongus and mrs. Daisyflower!” So logically, we can assume that when Bilbo and then Frodo disappeared with a group of random non-hobbits like dwarves and humans and even the old weed-dealing, problem-causing wizard, their friends and neighbors assumed that the Bagginses just had Really Strange Preferences and also were married to like 9 or 10 different people. But it Is Not Polite to Mention That. It’s Their Business Not Yours Lobelia!)
Dwarven pussy is probably just as good if not better than hobbit pussy. Dwarves, according to Tolkien, value competition and strength. And certain parts of sex can definitely be competitive for some people. Dwarven women don’t shave and grow beards just as well as the guys, which other races like humans or elves might view as unhygienic or “ugly”, but dwarves see it as exceedingly beautiful. They are also known to enjoy decadence and finery like jewelry and gold. And the books and movies have both established that Dwarven men can be quick-tempered and foolish, and that Dwarven women definitely run the show and make sure their stupid husbands don’t fuck things up. According to my internet experience I can guess that some people would appreciate being topped by a muscular, butch dwarf lady who will shower you in diamonds. (No personal opinion here as I’m aroace lol)
Probably can assume that humans vary in experience, sexuality, and aesthetic preferences in partners just like on regular earth, if not interspersed with some medieval or ancient notions and/or beauty standards like that long hair was more beautiful, or that women with a little pudge and who are curvy are more desirable because they have enough wealth and security to eat well and relax often. Maybe in eastern lands like Far Harad and the Southlands they would have cultural beauty traditions reminiscent of similar regions in our world like henna tattoos, fragrant perfumes, or traditional piercings? Anyways, onto the next!
Orcs are a bit complicated as there is not much about them except related to their Evilness™️. However Tolkien does say that Orcs “reproduce in the manner of the children of Iluvitar”, aka they reproduce through sex like all other races. Saruman made the Uruk-Hai from mud because they are created through sorcery and magic, unlike all other orcs. So we can deduce that because Orcs reproduce through sex, there must be female orcs as well as males. There are A LOT of male orcs we see in the books and on screen, and there is never mention of female orcs to my knowledge except for this quote. Tolkien compares the Orcs to “pigs and wild boars”, probably because of their tusks (but also with some bad racist implications throughout the series that would take up an entire other post, but many great users have written about those issues in his work already. I digress.) but we could also take this to imply that female orcs are rare because they’re the bosses, like female pigs and boars tend to be, and would rather stay in comfort or aid in more important matters for Sauron the Dark Lord while their harem of stupid male orcs and foot soldiers fight instead. If so Orc pussy would probably be insanely intense and you’d be the bottom, and if you aren’t good enough you get shipped off to the trenches. No exceptions. Either that or Orcs can get male pregnant. I don’t know which one I hate more, Orc Dommy Mommies or Orc Mpreg. (My deepest apologies and condolences in advance, citizens of the internet. Please do not send me hate mail.)
Maiar and/or Valar pussy would most likely literally be an out-of-body experience. Non-Super-Tolkien-Obsessed people like myself might not know that yes, I regret to inform you that Gandalf, Saruman, Radagast, Sauron, and the mysterious Blue Wizards (who tentatively are called Allatar and Pallando?) are actually Maiar, aka the lesser gods of the Tolkien universe, similar to angels or “minor gods” in Greek myths. The Valar are like the major gods and include a ton of different super-powerful deities. Some Maiar are more powerful than others (like Sauron), and that may be a result of experience or who they were created by (the Maiar and Valar were not born or conceived like mortals. They were sort of formed into existence by magic and the music of the universe, or magically created by the Valar.) On a related note, the Maiar and Valar can take a wide variety of “false forms”, or appear as a species of their choosing so as not to presumably shock or harm mortals and Elves, sort of like an angelic “Be-Not-Afraid” kinda deal. Apparently they can manifest genitals or sexual organs like mortals have, Melian was a Maia who was recorded to have had an inter-species relationship with Elu Thingol, one of the famous Elvenkings. One of her descendants is Arwen. Presumably Maiar and Valar could take on any form they choose, whatever gender or race or appearance pleases them or their partner at the time. This may lead to certain…. opportunities in the bedroom.
(Yes this means Gandalf could have big naturals in actual canon if he chose to. No I am not encouraging you to fuck Gandalf.)
