My biggest mistake

I'm about to tell my parents my biggest mistake. Thy are going to be so hurt and disappointed. They'll wonder where they went wrong and it'll kill to see them like that. They are going to cry and get very angry. Take away everything I have. But I'm ready. I can't carry this around anymore. By making my mistake I ruined my relationship with God. And that's what I want back to know that he is there for me that I make him happy and to have a very very strong relationship with him. I need to confess. If I don't it will just get worse and worse. I'm about to hurt so many people that I love and that is a thought that kills me. But it's going to happen Monday. They are going to hate me and I will be completely alone. But it's ok I'll grow stronger and I hope that they will eventually be able to forgive an trust me again. But for now Ill be completely alone.

Me

Every relationship I have seems like crap. I always get used forgotten or just unloved. I can't vent because then someone asks what's this about. I don't want to explain to u tht I don't want friends I don't want boyfriends I don't want best friends because they always hurt me in the end like I'm a piece of shit. When I mess up people think it's so horrible and tht I'm god awful. I'm not pretty. I'm not funny. Honestly I want to go away and never come back. Go to sleep and never wake up. I know tht I'm worthless tht I'm only here when people need me not cause they care. I know I'm not open and social because I'm broken and destroyed. I know tht is skyler ever talked to me again I'd reply even tho he is a mentally abusive boy. Who else is gonna pay attention to me. Who else will care tht I'm here. No one. I'm alone. I'm unwanted. Unlovable. I am Ava. I deserve nothing but to disappear. I deserve nothing but to put on my smiley face and pretend to enjoy my life pretend to care about myself. Pretend tht I don't want it to end. Every opportunity of happiness run is ruined and there is nothing left to do. I'm so fat. And ugly. The one serious relationship I had was with a controlling clingy guy. The others use me. Ask me to do things be they know I'm broken they know I'm clingy to any chance of being loved. They know tht I love people and I want to help whenever wherever I'll be there for anyone but I don't want to get hurt anymore so I stay away. I'm broken I'm crushed I'm hurt and I'm sad.

Labels

I label everything. Who I am, who you are, every situation big or small I put a label on it. And when I have a label some how I think that I’ll be able to understand everything and control everything. Making sure that I won’t get hurt. So I label. And that’s what kills. I fight tooth and nail on the inside to label and control fighting to understand and when it completely turns and everything I thought I “had” is gone it hurts. Oh god does it hurt. So this is me realizing I control nothing. This is me having a plan but being ok with myself if it goes wrong. This is me understanding that I’ll never truly understand anything down to the last detail. God is the only one who could possibly understand everything and even he doesn’t choose to know the future. What does that tell you?

So this is me just letting me be me. Letting the world and life do its thing. I’m not gonna label this as the new me and I’m not gonna label what we have. I’m just gonna let everything go. Just watch and wait. Be surprised with the ending. Hold on to the present and learn from the past.

I’m ok with what I have. Who I am. My friends. My life. I can change the little details and I can hope and work for the best. But I’m not gonna label where it goes. I’m just gonna work hard to be a good person. Treat the world right and people good.

I’m ok with me.