Shine Theory: Why Powerful Women Make the Greatest Friends

By Ann Friedman, NYmag.com

Kelly Rowland has done okay for herself since her days with Destiny’s Child. More than okay, really. She’s had a handful of solo hits, is embarking on a short tour this summer, and has just signed on to be a judge on The X Factor. But all of this only looks good until you compare Rowland to her former bandmate Beyoncé — which, apparently, Rowland has been doing for quite awhile. Rowland’s new single, “Dirty Laundry,” is about how she was resentful of Beyoncé’s success in the wake of Destiny’s Child. “When my sister was onstage killin’ it like a motherfucker,” Rowland sings, “I was enraged, feelin’ it like a motherfucker.” She recently had an emotional breakdownonstage in D.C. when she performed the song.

Few women are unlucky enough to have their successes measured against Beyoncé’s. But that feeling of resentment rather than joy at the personal and professional achievements of another woman is something most of us can relate to. The economy sucks, and awesome jobs are in short supply. In many industries, women are still perceived to be token hires — which means that other women can feel like our chief competition.  “Who wore it best?” isn’t just a trashy tabloid feature, it’s a dynamic that we apply to the sartorial choices of everyone in our similarly dressed friend group. If we’ve read The Atlantic in the past year or so, we’ve probably become convinced that there is a dearth of eligible men, so we’re all competing for them, too. And with the advent of dating apps like Tinder that allow potential suitors to judge women side-by-side, it’s not only women who are comparing and contrasting their bodies. When we meet other women who seem happier, more successful, and more confident than we are, it’s all too easy to hate them for it. It means there’s less for us.

But even if it were somehow possible to objectively evaluate all of our female peers against ourselves, it’s worth asking why we’re spending all this time creating a ranking system in our minds. When we hate on women who we perceive to be more “together” than we are, we’re really just expressing the negative feelings we have about our own careers, or bodies, or relationships.

Here’s my solution: When you meet a woman who is intimidatingly witty, stylish, beautiful, and professionally accomplished, befriend her. Surrounding yourself with the best people doesn’t make you look worse by comparison. It makes you better.

I’m not immune to that icky feeling you can get in the pit of your stomach when you meet a woman who seems so together. But I confess that I was always pretty good at quashing it. Still, I didn’t actively seek out powerful women as friends until many years into my career. “I don’t shine if you don’t shine” is a lesson I learned from my best friend Amina, who is effortlessly stylish (she’s been mixing prints since 2007 — get in line, Jenna Lyons), frighteningly intelligent (she speaks a handful of languages and is adept at cracking wise in all of them), and beautiful, too. We met at a Gossip Girl viewing party in 2009 (hey, it was relevant back then) in Washington, D.C., a city where a lot of people — not all of them women — see other people’s success as cause for insecurity, not celebration.

Approaching and befriending women who I identify as smart and powerful (sometimes actively pursuing them, as with any other crush) has been a major revelation of my adult life. First, there’s the associative property of awesomeness: People know you by the company you keep. I like knowing that my friends are so professionally supportive that when they get a promotion, it’s like a boost for my résumé, too, because we share a network and don’t compete for contacts. Also, it’s just plain tough out there — for all the aforementioned reasons about the economy and the dating scene and body-image pressures. I want the strongest, happiest, smartest women in my corner, pushing me to negotiate for more money, telling me to drop men who make me feel bad about myself, and responding to my outfit selfies from a place of love and stylishness, not competition and body-snarking.

True confidence is infectious. In my experience, if a woman seems confident but mostly has the effect of making others feel bad about themselves, you can rest assured she’s faking it. The most toxic female relationships of my life have been with women who were deeply unhappy with their lives, and frequently compared them to mine. Contrary to deep-seated theories of female competition, I don’t think that competition made either of us any better or happier.

Whereas with male peers we can use sexism or other factors to explain why they’ve found success in ways we haven’t, other women present a more direct comparison. Powerful women have long held the belief, if only at a subconscious level, that there are a limited number of spaces for them at the top. Have you ever seen a campaign ticket or a boardroom that’s more than 50 percent female? There’s a deep-seated belief that there can be only one — or two, or three at max. I’ve confessed that I’ve occasionally enjoyed being the token woman in the room.

This isn’t just something that afflicts insecure sorority girls. Feminists, ostensibly united by their shared desire to advance gender equality, should be those who are most supportive of their peers’ successes. But as long as there’s been a women’s movement, there’s been a tendency to tear down its most prominent figures. In a 1976 essay on “trashing” among feminists, Jo Freeman quotes her fellow feminist Anselma Dell'Olio as saying that “Achievement or accomplishment of any kind would seem to be the worst crime … You are immediately labeled a thrill-seeking opportunist, a ruthless mercenary, out to make her fame and fortune over the dead bodies of selfless sisters who have buried their abilities and sacrificed their ambitions for the greater glory of Feminism.”

But in reality, we’ve all been both of the women in this scenario, the idealizer and the idealized, often simultaneously.  Foregoing the internal ranking system in favor of being your best self and helping your girlfriends do the same was a revelation to me. And also, apparently, to Rowland. Beyoncé listened to  “Dirty Laundry” and, Rowland says, “She heard how real I was and was like ‘I’m so proud of you.’“ If Kelly Rowland can come around to the idea that she shines more (not less) because of her proximity to Beyoncé, there’s hope for the rest of us.

Some ppl say comedy is dead cause of “political correctness” but like john mulaney did an entire bit on captchas and bo burnham did an entire bit on not being able to fit ur hand inside a pringles can so really anything is possible as long as ur actually funny

I’d also like to remind people of the existence of my own personal favourite white male-ish comedians, Eddie Izzard who unashamedly makes the history of the world hilarious (and has a complex and evolving relationship with gender HAHA DON’T WE ALL), and Mitch Hedberg (mayherestinpeace) who turned stoned observations and stage fright into observational comedy gold.

and that’s The Mood ®️

You Don’t Need to Like Alcohol

I spent my teen years hearing people hyping up alcoholic beverages like they were something amazing.

They aren’t.

Most alcohol is boring. Tastes terrible. Not worth it.

Even with things consisting of low alcohol content, I can immediately taste it and it’s horrible every time.

Yet I am constantly seeing things like ‘your 20s are your experimental years, you should be getting drunk!’.

No you shouldn’t.

Just because some stranger thinks like that, doesn’t mean you have to follow along.

I turned 21 and felt no urge to drink alcohol suddenly. And despite a lot of people trying to get me to, I didn’t want to. Despite being told it was all I was gonna do once I was legal, I wasn’t interested.

I have had sips of many alcoholic beverages of all kinds and they were all terrible. Sour Apple Pucker Up is the only one not horrible but there is an added sharpness to it that does annoy me.

Beer and wine make me vomit. The same with rum, gin, vodka, brandy, and whiskey. And cockatils which are usually mixes of stuff make me ill too.

I spent my childhood and teens hearing people extol the wonders of drugs and alcohol. I feel no interest in any of it and there’s nothing wrong with that. I find alcohol nasty and the scents and flavors make me puke.

Don’t let someone tell you what they think you ought to be doing as a 20-something year old. Don’t let peer pressure get to you.

I promise you, these things aren’t as great as they are made out to be. If you do them, make certain it’s because you want to and not because you’re following the herd.

I’m going to add that being shitfaced isn’t the hilarious rite of passage and fun that people & movies hype it up to be. I’ve always been that non-drinker being pressured and I’ve always wondered why this was so glorious to drinkers. In high school, I overheard one popular girl telling another “I had SOOO much fun at your party! I got so drunk I can’t remember a thing!” I will wonder until the day I die why blacking out and literally losing an evening of her life was “fun.” For all she knew, she was a sobbing miserable wreck at the party; she couldn’t know.

As a middle-aged adult, there was a guy whose entire conversation was where he went, how much he drank, and who he woke up on/how much he threw up. Seriously, you ask him “what’s up?” & that’s all he had: a chronicle of incipient alcoholism he thought was entertaining to hear and do.

Drink only if you want to and never drink more than you want to.

My husband used to get shitfaced at parties, and then he’d end up puking for hours while simultaneously having diarrhea and finally falling asleep on the bathroom floor, naked. It was so consistent that I got in the habit of leaving parties early to go home (they’re two houses down so no driving, and they were only two or three times a year) and make him a little bed in front of the toilet. Then I’d wait and wait and wait while he vomited noisily, whimpering like a hurt puppy, and I’d finally get to go to bed once he passed out and I’d put a blanket over him.

One day after enduring this again I asked him, “Are you actually having fun, though?” And he thought about it.

Hasn’t gotten drunk since. He didn’t even enjoy it it was just what people do.

I never was a drinker myself. It all tastes the way nail polish remover smells to me and both my parents were alcoholics so I always hated the stuff.

This idea that “getting drunk” is a good goal in and of itself is borne from generations of people who weren’t dealing with their shit. It’s a method of escapism which tends to compound the issues one is escaping from. 

I will go so far as to say that from a physiological perspective literally no one should be getting shit-faced literally ever, it is THAT toxic. 

Like, don’t do that to yourself. It’s not worth it. People who push you to do that are not worth it. People who tease you for not wanting that are not worth it. Alcohol is the number one date rape drug. 

Rapidly developing brains, such as in people under 25, are particularly sensitive to the damaging effects.  I’m not fundamentally anti-alcohol, but damn, there are safer ways to get unconscious. Have a snack. Take a nap. 

Source

Video of Tama

Follow Ultrafacts for more facts

The picture in the background of the second one

Tama is boss

THE TRAINS HAVE CARTOON TAMAS ON THEM

Sad update everyone, Tama recently passed away… An estimated 3,000 people, including railway officials, attended Tama the cat’s funeral on Sunday, days after she died of heart failure aged 16. [x]

For those who haven’t read articles about it, the local shrine elevated her to a god. She’s now the Eternal Stationmaster and patron god of the station.

Beautiful.

Now I’m crying thanks

and a new cat was hired right?

yep! her name is Nitama (essentially ”second tama” or “tama II”) and she served under Tama as an apprentice before being appointed her deputy

she works very hard

Everytime this crosses my dash, I reblog. It is the law.

Law

I’m crying at 11pm over train cats

Nitama, already now a mature cat (born 2010), has a protege named Yontama (fourth Tama, b. 2016).  There is no information available for either the physical befellment or tragic self-disgrace which has removed Santama from contention.

^Nitama majestic, and below with Yontama

Yontama.

a legacy

I’d just like to add that there is a ‘Santama’, whose name was ‘SUNtamatama’ (the capitalisation is not my own, it’s in the actual name). They were sent to Okayama prefecture for station-master training. The Okayama PR rep Mister/Ms Y, who was looking after SUNtamatama then refused to let go of the cat, saying something along the lines of, “This child is ours and I will not let them go, they will stay in Okayama”, and so SUNtamatama remained in Okayama.

This is SUNtamama below:

Source: https://mainichi.jp/graphs/20161017/hrc/00m/040/003000g/1

ほんまニャンでって言いたくなるわ。

@literaryreference mystery of santama solved; kidnapped by okayama PR bc too kawaii

hello why the FUCK isn’t ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT NGOZI HAD THE AUDACITY TO MENTION RANSOM AND HOLSTERS NAMES DURING A CONVERSATION ABOUT THE HAUS FIRE AND FIREMEN ????????????????????????????

Building out the #companionapp I mentioned a few weeks back. I’m calling it Groundswell, because it’s a word I’ve been thinking about a lot since Australia. 

After I build the wireframe in Adobe XD, I’ll be building an HTML5 version of the app in Articulate Storyline 3, so some of the functionality hinted at above will be accessible. H/T to @the-sorceress-vivienne for helping me choose audio (and go check out Purrli if you need some relaxing cat sounds, and Tabletopaudio if you need ambience/music for background to your life and/or roleplaying games)!

It’s finished! Or at least as finished as I can get it at the moment.

Features include audio, visual, and tactile/gestural functions for self-soothing, a breathing exercise, and built-in as well as customisable messages if you’re non-verbal. 

It’s built for mobile phones but runs in HTML5, so you shouldn’t have any trouble accessing it from whatever device you’re on, though it does require an internet connection.

If you’d like to test it out and give me feedback, it’ll be live at the following link for about the next ten days (so until about 29 August 2018). Feel free to share, leave notes here, or send me a message.

I do hope this helps.

groundswell app

Thank you, humans.

Good morning humans, The Best Art is now finished. You may watch the video above to hear about the experience from its creators. You can see the code for The Best Art here.

The computer and the human will be showing the project in New York at the ITP Spring Show today, May 16, from 5-9 pm, and tomorrow, May 17, from 4-8 pm. Visitors will be able to take home their own customized Best Art instructions print-out from the computer. The event is free and open to the public. More information here. 

Thank you very much for following along.

dear friends with sensory/anxiety issues

I’m toying with an app concept that would ideally help folks who have become temporarily non-verbal or are trying to cope with a sudden attack, and would love to get some feedback/insight from my target audience (so to speak). If you’d be cool with chatting about your experiences, please shoot me a message!