oh my.  

this is so perfect.

(source)

I just want to get dicked down again =/

if you’re reading this i hope something good happens to you today

a jpeg is like an animal

jpeg

i think a png is like a bird

png

a pdf is like a habitat or biome, similar to a mud flat or plateau environment

Who wants to come with me to New Jersey to go on an exciting adventure to find the magical mystery baseball mud

His house is in NJ

That doesn’t mean that’s where the mud lives

"dracula's wives" no those are his deadbeat roommates who haven't paid rent in a millennium and just hang around the castle providing ambience and loudly judging dracula's life choices

sorry i cant come over today. it's the whole eagle pecking out my liver thing. tomorrows not good either. yeah it's the eagle again, im kind of booked up for a while actually

do they warn trans girls about boob sweat? girls did they warn you

i have learned three things since making this post!

you majored in math? uhh, i think i kinda know it all already. adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing. it’s all up here. i even know about negative numbers.

one of my favorite genres of Little Kid Joke is when the child has clearly been told a joke & attempts to retell it without understanding the meaning of the joke, keeping the approximate framework but removing any clear punchline, somehow making it about 50x funnier

my favorite example was this girl who had heard some kind of interrupting cow joke, the recreation of which went like so:

this girl: knock knock

other kid: whos there

this girl: disturbing cow

other kid: disturbing cow who

this girl: oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGHHGHGHHGHHHH

can you imagine how freaky shark mermaids would be like unlike sharks, shark mermaids would have actual arms/hands and could rely on touching things with their hands to see if they’re prey rather than having to bite like sharks do. like youre just swimming in the ocean and suddenly you feel a strong grip on your leg, you freak the FUCK out because uh what????? the fuck??? youre swimming alone in the ocean??

a head pops out of the water, dorsal fin pointed from its back and it just points at you and says in a low whisper: “i thought you were a seal. please dont swim alone like this, im sorry i scared you i just wanted to see what you are” and then disappears back into the depth. what the fuck.

no come back ma’am

*under my breath* underwater girlfriend

underwater wife

Underwater love of my underwater life

Eat it from the back

Or eat it from the front

‘Cause it’s always shark week

With an underwater

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Everyone keeps acting like as a druid I'm just boring and not as interesting or violent as wizards or warlocks but they'll all see when I finally perfect my new spell, Himalayan Blackberries Growing Inside Of Your Blood

EVIL

I'm turning your fingers into fertilizer and you're going to scream sooooo much about it

Consider: curse of every red blood cell becomes a dragonfruit instantaneously

conservation of mass sadly would not allow this :( however, i can very easily turn every one of your red blood cells into sap! i've just done this

Without violating conservation of mass, you could turn all of someone’s blood into roughly 14 dragonfruit!

now THAT'S the go-getter and inventive attitude that the Druidic Archcircle seeks out in its potential recruits! join us

A warning to my Romani friends reading Dracula Daily. Today's entry uses the G slur. And you will see many of the harmful stereotypes of the Romani and other traveler cultures in this chapter.

after reading the chapter, i'd like to add that the z slur (tzigani, written in the chapter as szgany, for those unaware) is also used. the g slur is used twice and the z slur is used three times. if you are romani and unsure as to whether you feel up to reading today's entry, please feel free to send me an ask for a summary (i have anon off but i will answer all asks pertaining to this privately, so if you're not out you don't need to worry about being outed). take care of yourselves and opre romani

This about the May 28th entry.

remember these shits? they smelled like brain cell death

I can smell the fumes like it was yesterday...

good times, good times.

South Carolina followers: free green beans on I-95!