I’m very sorry I haven’t updated this blog in a while or answered any questions. I’ve been struggling with some personal things (some of which are related to my orientation, some of which aren’t), and I haven’t had the mental energy to be very positive.
However, I will say this for anyone who’s struggling to accept being aromantic:
Take a break from anything that depicts romance, at least for a little while. Just don’t bother with it--don’t play their game. Watch shows that are about friendship or teamwork, watch documentaries, read books that focus on plot more than relationships. If you find a piece of media that has a character that’s described as aromantic, or who never gets romantically involved with anyone throughout the duration of the franchise, thank your lucky stars for finding something so beautiful.
I’ve taken a step back from everything in my life that focused on romance, and honestly, I feel a lot better about my identity now. Hopefully some of you will, too.
I'm lost and confused I'm been identifying as bi/pansexual and romantic but I realized like I really do not want to be in a relationship like I can't imagine myself in one??? and I have this one friend that like I thoughtI liked him for a long time but I don't want to be in a relationship so like idk could it be some sort of platonic bond I mean I'm bpd and he's my fp but idk i'm so lost... maybe a rundown of some aro terms that aren't 100% aro? if that makes sense
Hey there! I understand the struggle of having a hard time finding a specific niche--and it’s totally okay to not know for sure right now.
It’s normal for some people not to feel romantic attraction all the time, and even to hate the idea of a romantic relationship. That doesn’t necessarily make you aromantic--but if you’re questioning, there are a few terms that go along with it, yes. I’m not familiar with a lot of the newer terms, but I do know gray-aromantic, and demiaromantic/demiromantic. Some people feel aromantic sometimes, but not commonly, and they might be gray-aromantic. Some people only feel romantic attraction once they get close to someone--that’s demiromantic/demiaromantic.
Those are all about attraction, though, and it sounds like you might be struggling with the desire to be in a romantic relationship--(I could be wrong, though; you’re the only one who can figure out your feelings.) There are plenty of people who simply don’t want a relationship for whatever reason, and it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re aromantic.
Your struggle to figure out what you’re feeling for your fp is definitely one I can relate to. For years, I thought I was in love with my best friend. But just because you feel incredibly strongly about someone doesn’t necessarily mean that what your feeling is romantic love. It might be--but that’s not for me to tell you. There are people of every orientation who feel strongly about people they aren’t in love with. Especially if it’s opposite-binary friendships, society likes to treat strong friendships as inherently romantic. Even with my best friend, (we’re both the same gender), most people thought I was in love with her simply because of how much I care about her and talk about her. With that amount of positive feedback telling me that I must be in love with her, it definitely took me a while longer to figure out that I was aro.
So keep an open mind, and try not to let others pressure you about what you’re feeling or not feeling. Even if you find that there’s nothing on the aromantic spectrum that totally fits your orientation, that’s okay. You don’t have to want romantic relationships, but you don’t have to identify as aromantic, either. Your comfort and happiness matters above all else.
I hope this helps, and good luck, anon!
(Side note: There are aromantic people who take platonic life partners. The alternate term for that is quasiplatonic now, though it used to be called something else. Look into it if you like the idea of spending the rest of your life with a close friend.)
I currently identify as asexual quoiromantic but I'm still questioning my romantic orientation. I have been in romantic relationships but I'm not positive if I like the person romantically and I have never had a crush. I like the idea of romantic things (kissing, cuddling, etc.) and want to participate in them, but the more I think about it the more I find it awkward and weird. With any romantic term I find, nothing seems to fit. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just an aromantic in denial.
I’m not super familiar with the prefix quoiro, but, I do know this: no matter what orientation you have, the most important thing is that you’re comfortable. If you find that you’re genuinely disinterested and have no real attraction or desire for romance, then you might very well be an aromantic. But it all comes down to what you’re comfortable identifying as, and what you believe you are. I hope this helps a bit!
hello! first of all i wanna thank you for this blog, it has helped me! i've recently figured out that i'm aro, which is great because i've been confused about this for a long long time. i'm still confused about some things though. i never had romantic feelings for anyone and never had romantic relationship, but sometimes i feel sad when i see happy couples, like i'm missing out on something. i'm not really sure what do about this and i'm also afraid if this means i'm not actually an aro?
I don’t know your exact mind and experiences and feelings, but, I do know that society often makes me feel the same way, anon. I read novels and am constantly bombarded with love triangles; I watch movies and despite having no plot relevance, a couple is shoe-horned in at the last minute; I look around at the mall and find advertisements constantly playing on the ‘normality’ of romantic relationships. It’s hard not to feel like you’re missing something when the world wants to tell you (over and over and over again) that you are.
But that being said, when I surround myself with just friendship, and shows that don’t include romance, and books with arguably aroace protagonists... when I surround myself with friends that accept my romantic and sexual orientation as valid and don’t try to set me up with anyone... When I make my world more aromantic-friendly, I feel a lot better about myself. If there’s no one telling me that I’m missing out on something, then I don’t feel like I am.
As for whether or not you’re aro, remember: it’s all about romantic attraction. Just because you might be made to feel like you’re missing something, if you still don’t find anyone romantically attractive to you, or you don’t really get ‘crushes,’ then you can still absolutely be aro.
I know society tries to tell you you’re supposed to be happy at any sexual attention given to you--that you’re supposed to feel ‘flattered’ that anyone would want you, to the point that you should be ‘happy’ about sexual harassment. But you absolutely do not have to feel grateful for unwanted sexual attention. For one, you’re beautiful and perfect as you are, and you shouldn’t have to be smaller for complaints about sexual harassment to be taken seriously. And, two, your asexuality is valid, no matter what size you are.
Just because you’re heavier doesn’t mean you have to be sexually available to anyone who approaches you. You are worth so much more than that, and you deserve to be treated with respect.
i know you're avoiding discourse so you don't have to publish this but i just. i didn't know what it was all about so i went into the tag and now i just feel like. an unwanted alien for starting to come to terms w/myself as aroace. (1/2)
(2/2) but i'm gonna go back and read some more stuff on your blog which is nice and cheery and uplifting and hopefully feel better, so thanks for what you do!!
I’m so sorry the tag made you feel like that, anon. There’s so much ignorance and negativity and anger there--please don’t ever feel obligated to visit that tag again. No one deserves to feel so horrible for something they can’t control. But I’m glad this blog made you feel better, anon--and hopefully it will continue to cheer you up in the future.
And, remember: you’re valid, and beautiful. You aren’t broken. You’re valid and wonderful and loved, and I hope you know how much promise you have in your future. Feel better, anon!
I know society tells you that you’re broken, that you’re bad, that you’re something to be pitied.
But you deserve so much more than the harsh labels society gives you, and there is more to you than your orientation. Love comes in so many forms, and it’s awful to be ostracized because, out of the many, there is one you don’t feel. You have such a capacity to love, and be loved-- whether it’s your friends, your family, your pets, or yourself. You are allowed to focus on those, and society has no right to tell you you’re wrong.
You are so wonderful, and beautiful, and there is so much promise and goodness in your future. You will find people who understand you, and who don’t pressure you into being something you’re not. So please, stay strong until then. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t have worth. No matter what they say, you are full of so much promise, and value, and strength.
Don’t sell yourself short just because society does. You are capable of so much more than what they think.
To all asexual and aromantic people who aren’t sure where they fall on the spectrum:
You’re still valid. Even if you’re still figuring things out, even if your experiences are very different from other asexual and aromantic people, even if you don’t know for sure if you even are asexual or aromantic--you’re still valid. Maybe you’re right about your sexual and romantic orientation, maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re still figuring things out.
It’s okay to not be sure.
You’re still valid as a person, and your doubts and questions are valid, too. Even if things are never perfectly clear to you, that’s okay. Life is all about learning and growing and changing. What matters most is that you’re comfortable in your own skin, and you’re safe and valued where you are.
You’re not broken. You are loved and worth loving. I hope you have, or find, a strong support group where you feel safe and valued. You are a person, and you are worth every bit of kindness that people show you. You deserve compassion, and friendship, and I hope you know how much worth you have.
No matter who you are or what you’re going through, you are wonderful. Stay strong.
Is there such a term as grey ace (or similar)? Because sometimes I am literally so repulsed by the idea of romantic interaction, sometimes I feel like it'd be ok occasionally and other times I want someone to hold me for 5 hours??? And also like I think I may idealise romantic relationships since I've never had one but then I see people kissing, holding hands etc. and I just wanna look away. I'm sorry I've just really confused for a while and I thought maybe you could try and help me.
You might mean grey aromantic (or grey aro for short)--and the answer is yes! That’s definitely a thing. If you identify with that term, then go for it--and if you find later that something else suits you more, feel free to go for that, too!
So... I'm just 16 but i havent fallen in love yet but all my friends have, am i ace or have i just not found the right one yet? Have i simply not developed theese kind's of feelings yet? I'm so confused and everyone i ask has a different view point. Plz halp
Hopefully I can help, I know life is confusing enough at 16, and being confused about sexuality doesn’t make it any easier.
Your question, though, is just a little off. You’re asking about falling in love, which falls on the romantic spectrum. Asexuality deals with sexual attraction--which is different than falling in love. So if you never fall in love, you might be aromantic, but not necessarily asexual. (And when you’re young, it’s okay not to feel sexual attraction--your mind and body are still developing.)
However, that being said, 16 is quite young to be trying to give yourself a definite label as aromantic. Some people develop faster than others, and it’s okay not to have those feelings yet! Whether you ever get them or not, it’s totally okay, and you’re not broken either way. If, for the time being, you identify as aromantic, or even asexual, that’s totally fine! But it’s okay to just live and let live for now. No matter what you decide to call your orientation, try to give yourself room to breathe, and don’t be hard on yourself later if you find you’ve changed. You’re still growing up, and it’s okay to give yourself a new identity later.
I’d also take the phrase ‘falling in love’ with a grain of salt. Falling in love takes a certain amount of emotional maturity, and while some people do reach that emotional maturity at 16, it’s highly unlikely that all of your friends truly ‘fell in love.’ Falling in love takes time, and in my experience, many people who are young and ‘in love’ are feeling the border between an intense crush and an obsession. And that’s okay, too! You’re sixteen and still developing into the person you’re going to become, and so are many of your friends.
So no matter what you end up feeling, or not feeling, it’s okay. Whether or not you develop romantic attraction, you’re not broken. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you, anon, and I hope you find happiness as you grow up
The important thing here is that you feel safe, and comfortable in your own skin. Give yourself room to breathe and time to develop.
And, remember, ‘questioning’ is in the extended acronym, too. It’s okay to not be sure.
On the topic of the ace/aro discourse, are people who are asexual and aromantic considered straight? Because I identify as both and I'm confused as since I don't feel any attraction towards anyone so how can I be straight
I try to steer clear of actual discourse, so please keep these to a minimum.
That said, being straight is feeling sexual and/or romantic attraction to people of the opposite binary. (And if that phrase is incorrect, I would really like for nonbinary or agender followers to correct me, I want to know better descriptions to use whenever possible!) Therefore, if you feel no sexual or romantic attraction to anyone at all, you are not straight. You’re aroace.
People who say that aroace people are straight have a fundamental misunderstanding of asexuality and aromanticism. They might mean ‘straight privilege’, but that delves further into ace discourse, and I will not be answering any questions about that.
To every aromantic minor who feels isolated and out of sorts:
I know the world makes such a big deal about crushes and dating and first kisses. It’s so easy to feel ostracized, especially when you hear everyone around you talking about their love lives (or worse, asking you about yours) when you’re not interested in the least.
But as you get older, things really do calm down. You’ll find new friends and communities who understand your disinterest in romance. You’ll find people who share your hobbies and passions and pursuits, who will never pressure you into dating. You will find a life for yourself, and you can make your life and social group anything you want it to be.
There’s a whole world out there--and I promise you, it’s not just an extension of high school.
To every asexual, aromantic, and aroace that’s still in the process of figuring out their identity:
It’s okay to not be 100% sure! Whether you stay within the aro/ace community forever, or you realize later that you fit more within a different community, it’s okay. The ace community still loves you and is happy for you, even if you found a better fit for yourself elsewhere.
I hope you find happiness and acceptance, no matter what label or community you find your niche in.
To every asexual who’s going through a rough patch in their life:
I believe in you, and I know you can make it through. There’s so much promise and hope in your future, and I look forward to the day when you have the life and happiness you always hoped for. Keep pressing on.
An anon submitted a message using the word ‘q***r’ and I realized I haven’t made any posts concerning submission or ask guidelines.
Many people within the LGBT+ community have expressed a desire for asexuals and aromantics to not use this term unless they were SGA or trans. While the anon in this case expressed that they were agender (and, most communities therefore agree they are allowed to use it), I also know this has been a huge topic within the ace discourse.
I will not express my personal opinion of the word and whether or not aros and aces are allowed to use it. My primary concern is keeping this blog positive, encouraging, and free of ace discourse.
So, no matter who sends hot-button issues, if they contain things that would ignite an argument, it will not be published. In the interest of keeping this blog true to its purposes, I will not be publishing any asks that would pull it into the line of fire.
Hey! So this might be a dumb question but can you be aro but still want to be in a romantic relationship? Would that make you grey/Demi-aromantic? I'm confused 🙀
Definitely! Hopefully this can help explain, and I hope you don’t mind a somewhat roundabout explanation.
Asexuality is about not feeling sexual attraction to anyone. Willingness to have sex falls on a different spectrum. You can be sex positive, sex neutral, or sex repulsed (also called sex negative). Some asexuals have a sex drive, and some use sex as a way to satisfy their partners, or to satisfy their own libido.
If we use that same method with the aromantic spectrum, it becomes a little easier to understand. Many aromantics like the idea of dating, or they enjoy sensual affection or exclusive sex partnership, but they don’t feel romantic attraction to anyone. You can still feel the desire to be in a relationship, you just aren’t romantically interested in people themselves. Grey and Demi-aromantic have more to do with frequency of romantic attraction, and romantic attraction formed only after an emotional bond is form. So your question has a bit more to do with the positive-to-repulsed spectrum. You might be an aromantic that’s okay with being in a romantic relationship, so I suppose the aromantic version of the term would be ‘romance-positive aromantic.’
However, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to subscribe to any label. And you’re the only one that knows your feelings and experiences. If you feel that what I said isn’t a good fit for you, then that’s totally fine. Though we can’t control orientations, we can decide on what we call ourselves (or don’t call ourselves). If you’re more comfortable using something else, go for it.
Hopefully this helped, and if you have any other questions, feel free to ask!
There are also some ace networks online that might use more terminology than I’m familiar with, so if you feel they’d be useful, check them out! (I tend to stick to the prefixes a, demi, gray, and the side-scale of positive to repulsed.)
To everyone within the aromantic and asexual community:
I know that a lot of people take it upon themselves to decide what your experiences are, and what your history is. But I promise you, you are the best judge of what you have gone through. If you have gone through struggles (whether relationship, family, friendships, or otherwise), and you know it’s because you were aro or ace, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong. You are the best judge of your own individual circumstances. Don’t let anyone make you feel like your history is invalid.
