In case you think the writers on strike aren't making good use of their time, think no more!
Only click the read more if you're fully prepared. I'm taking no responsibility past this point.
t-shirt that says "object permanence is for schmucks!" on the front
t-shirt that says "object permanence is for schmucks!" on the back
are they the same shirt
Last week I accidentally took an edible at 10x my usual dose. I say “accidentally” but it was really more of a “my friend held it out to my face and I impulsively swallowed it like a python”, which was technically on purpose but still an accident in that my squamate instincts acted faster than my ability to assess the situation and ask myself if I really wanted to get Atreides high or not.
Anyway. I was painting the wall when it hit. My friend heard me make a noise and asked what was wrong—I explained that I had just fallen through several portals. I realized that painting the wall fulfilled my entire hierarchy of needs, and was absolutely sure that I was on track to escaping the cycle of samsara if I just kept at it a little longer. I was thwarted on my journey towards nirvana only by the fact that I ran out of paint.
Seeking a surrogate act of humble service through which I might be redeemed and made human, I turned to unwashed dishes in the sink and took up the holy weapon of the sponge. I was partway through cleaning the blender when it REALLY hit.
You ever clean a blender? It’s a shockingly intimate act. They are complex tools. One of the most complicated denizens of the kitchen. Glass and steel and rubber and plastic. Fuck! They’ve got gaskets. You can’t just scrub ‘em and rinse them down like any other piece of shit dish. You’ve got to dissemble them piece by piece, groove by sensitive groove, taking care to lavish the spinning blades with cautious attention. There’s something sensual about it. Something strangely vulnerable.
As I stood there, turning the pieces over in my hands, I thought about all the things we ask of blenders. They don’t have an easy job. They are hard laborers taking on a thankless task. I have used them so roughly in my haste for high-density smoothies, pushing them to their limits and occasionally breaking them. I remembered the smell of acrid smoke and decaying rubber that filled the kitchen in the break room the last time I tried to make a smoothie at work—the motor overtaxed and melted, the gasket cracked and brittle. Strawberry slurry leaked out of it like the blood of a slain animal.
Was this blender built to last? Or was it doomed to an early grave in some distant landfill by the genetic disorder of planned obsolescence? I didn’t know, and was far too high to make an educated guess. But I knew that whatever care and tenderness and empathy I put into it, the more respect for the partnership of man and machine, the better it would perform for me.
This thought filled me with a surge of affection. However long its lifespan, I wanted it to be filled with dignity and love and understanding. I thought: I bet no one has hugged this blender before. And so I lifted it from its base.
A blender is roughly the size and shape of a human baby. Cradling one in your arms satisfies a primal need. A month ago I was permitted to hold an infant for the first time in my life, an experience which was physically and psychologically healing. I felt an echo of that satisfaction holding my friend the blender, and the thought of parting with it felt even more ridiculous than bringing it with me to hang out on my friend’s bed.
i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do
futureblackpolitician
Wtf????
Smoove with it too
meqabitch
This is the kind of shit you see in anime that shows that a certain character is stronger than other characters.
“Pathetic. You can’t even hold the bat you dare step to the plate? Have you no respect for the sport?”
reminds me of this gif
Baseball players are to be feared
thenamesdiondra
Reblogging for the last one
^Same for me
They just kept getting progressively more “woah”
much woah
lord-blongus
Oh my god this is a lucky universe
every time this post comes around, my favorite part is the “I know it’s the Mets” qualifier at the beginning lmao like how baseball that this zillion note posts starts with “sorry for putting this hellteam on your dash, bUT”
Y’all have no idea how hard I was trying not to laugh in class at that poor bird
funnierabbit75
They…they just blew up a fucking bird…
Ball’s dead. Bird’s dead. I’m dead
World Heritage Post
personally my favorite thing about Mr. Bird Evaporator is this imagine being the poor fool tryna rob this man’s house only to be instantly transported to the same dimension as that bird
Are we all forgetting that Randy Johnson then went on to make a sports photography company, and the logo for said company is the obliterated bird?
[Image description Bluesky post by acab4cutie "gonna start referring to my manic episodes as “getting the zoomies” and my depressive episodes as “getting the doomies”"]
In Super Mario Galaxy 2, Luigi obtains a brief, but extreme speed boost whenever he jumps while sliding off a crystal, as shown in the footage.
Main Blog | Twitter | Patreon | Source: twitter.com user "PurpleSunSR"
sarkhan the masterless
Just a single dad, doing his best to raise their brood
Indian Black Narrowmouth Frog aka "Space Frog" (Melanobatrachus indicus), family Microhylidae, Munnar, Kerala, India
photograph by Hadlee Renjith
Look, I think it is important that as many people as possible see these phenomenal photos of Melanobatrachus indicus, because they are damn rare, but truly spectacular.
If anyone wants to know my favourite frog, this is probably in the top five.
One day, Clark is bored at work so he messages Bruce saying as much, hoping they could talk for a bit to help pass the time.
What he did not expect was for Bruce to tweet 'ostriches arn't real'.
The office becomes alive with activity. Perry marches over and tells Clark to write an article about how one of the richest men in the world does not believe a bird exists.
The interview?
Clark Kent: "Would you care to elaborate on what you meant about not believing ostriches exist?"
Bruce Wayne: "No."
Others then ask Bruce what his thoughts on other birds are. Penguins? Real. Flamingos? Not real. Pigeons? Some are, some arn't. It depends.
On the upside Clark's afternoon became a whole lot less boring. On the downside there is now a Twitter account called 'BirdsBruceWThinksArntReal'.
“robins?” clark asks as the last question. “robins aren’t birds.”
You CANNOT leave such a BRILLIANT addition in the tags
catalystcomet-archive-deactivat
my character in tf2 when i get sniped halfway across the map
tf2 heritage post
Okay kids buckle up for the INSANE story I just heard from my little brother
**As a disclaimer my brother is a cis straight dude who only dates the most basic white girls you can find. He's very emotionally aware but doesn't linger on his emotions, just processes them and moves on (this is wild to me)**
He calls me on my break just to say hi, that he’s driving back to Denver from visiting his girlfriend, to which I respond “didn’t you break up with your girlfriend (of like a month) last month” and to which he says “yeah I have a new girlfriend, we’ve been together four weeks but I went up to spend the weekend and meet her friends” and I’m like ok great this is already ridiculous
So we’re chatting and I’m teasing him about how he doesn’t sleep with people on first dates and he says that he’s changed his policy, it’s just that he won’t have sex with them if he’d rather be doing something else, so I joke that I’ve had that where I’d rather be watching the show Chernobyl (true) and he says “yeah or watching a movie with my housemate” and I say hey bud that’s kind of gay and he says yeah I actually had a weird gay moment last night
And I go oh???? And he goes yeah, I was at the bar with the girlfriend and some of her friends and one of them was a guy and we were hitting it off, doing a little flirting as you do with your bros at the bar~
And then my cis straight brother goes on to explain that sometimes when you’re out with the homies and you’re having a good time and the vibes are right you just give em a little kiss, like just a kiss on the mouth between bros, “no tongue or anything like that but just to express that you’re close and having a good time”
I’m like “My dude that’s not a thing” and he’s like “between confident straight men it is” and I’m like “NO IT’S NOT"
So there we’ve got my brother having casual queerplatonic relationships with his homies at the bar, and he’s telling me this and I’m obviously speechless, so he goes on and he’s like “so because this guy and I were hitting it off I go in for a little kiss and he fucking swerves me” and I’m like yes my guy but because my brother is actually very good with respecting boundaries he was like “ok man great communication, won’t do it again"
BUT
Apparently my brother and the dude and my brother's GIRLFRIEND who has been there the WHOLE TIME go outside (I assume to have a cigarette but he didn’t tell me that part) and the guy turns to my brother and is like “man I should have kissed you when you offered it” and my brother is like “cool good shit man” like in the most bro way possible and then the guy grabs his face between his hands and just PLANTS a big one on his mouth
And THEN the guy panics and shoves him down on the ground!! And my brother has the normal reaction to being shoved on the ground unexpectedly which is to say “what the FUCK” and the girlfriend says “what the FUCK” and the guy goes “what the FUCK” and leaves
And my brother ended the story there and was musing on it like "this guy obviously has some complexes to work through about his sexuality, no confident straight man kisses another confident straight man and then panics and runs away”
Which took me out at the KNEES lol
And that, dear readers, is the batshit story my brother told me!
OH MY GOD AND
AND
I told my coworker this and they were like I’m actually shipping him and his roommate and I was like HUH because I hadn't considered that and then later my brother sent me a photo of his housemate wearing sexy handcuffs
Ohhh the earthly delights
Girls when the delights are earthly
the internet is so cool. I can post something online like
"hey if you're a twink then solve this equation: 4x + 2 = 46"
and inevitably at least ONE twink will find this post and solve for x. it's just a guarantee
Hi I'm a Twink, the answer is 11
we are all connected through this digital space. the assistance of a twink is merely a tumblr post away
