Things I do well in a relationship;

I am kind

I am a good communicator

I’m honest

I am faithful

I am always willing to work through disagreements

I have a sense of humour

I am emotionally supportive

I treat people with respect

I am liberal with my validation and compliments

I want to fall in love

I enjoy intimacy

I enjoy sex

I am romantic

I am willing to talk about future goals and dreams

I am compassionate

I am forgiving

I am willing to try new activities with someone

I admit my mistakes and take responsibility for them

I genuinely want to make my partner happy

My last goodbye

Imagine being in love with someone for more than half your life, and now they’re gone.

I believed his beautiful lie in high school when he first broke my heart, that he still loved me. I chose to believe that we had a special connection. I compared all others to him and never really let myself let go of the hope that one day we might get back together.

And we did, and it was magical, for a few weeks, and then it fell apart just as it did before. Him distancing himself, not communicating, not telling me what was really going on, and when he finally did end it, there was another lie.

It’s not you, it’s me. He had so much to deal with, I believed him, I believed the only obstacle in our love were the demons he had to deal with and that eventually he would find his way back.

But just like last time, he could not tell the truth. He had no love for me, he saw no future.

For another eight months I believed the lie, played the long game, was ever the supportive friend. Until the truth came out. He had been seeing someone, for a month, he was ready to be in a relationship again, just not with me.

My bubble of self delusion burst and drowned me in the truth. A truth I should have been seeing the whole time. He was incapable of loving me the way I wanted to be loved.

He would never change, ever the people pleaser, he would always tell the beautiful lie. It made it easier on himself at the time, so he wasn’t seen as the bad guy, to be liked. The consequences of that pain being tenfold when the truth revealed itself not apparent to him, he wouldn’t understand it anyway due to his lack of empathy.

Yet another thing about him that would never change. His inability to understand or even accept as valid someone else’s feelings if he couldn’t see himself having them in the same circumstance. Perhaps, that’s not entirely true and his hostility towards such feelings is just a defence. Either way, it’s not good enough. I have feelings, and just because he wouldn’t feel the same in the same scenario, doesn’t mean I’m wrong in having them. My feelings are valid.

There were other moments, that I pushed aside, times I cried and he withheld all emotion, times I asked for emotional support and was told none would be forthcoming, times I craved attention and was told not to ask for it. These are not the actions of a loving man. These actions are insensitive and cruel.

Then finally his demons, the trauma of his divorce, his addiction to alcohol, his inability to deal with negative emotions of any kind, and his unwillingness to seek help. I was willing to put up with these for a man who couldn’t love, empathise, or show sensitivity. I was foolish.

We did not have a special connection. He is not special. So I have disposed of all reminders of him I have kept from the last 25 years, deleted all communications, and put up blocks to prevent me from contacting him in a moment of weakness.

As hard as the rejection feels right now, it is time for me to leave him behind. There’s life out there for me, and he doesn’t deserve to be a part of it.

I miss you like sleep