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Advice, Thoughts & Rants

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come one, come all welcome to share
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sso-sofia
I noticed how my character is being treated. But it’s not like it was a surprise. How can I demand respect, when I lost it for myself.

-looking around the snake pit of the current circle (via whythebowtie)

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alwaysbewoke
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glamour-doll98

what white people think racism is: when you mean to someone because of their race

what racism really is: social and legal systems that puts a race beneath another, vilifying them, fetishizing them, sexualizing them, and creates a usually negative bias towards that group.

where childhood is not an option when you’re the villain or where you are always seen at a child’s level no matter your age

where you are always responsible if someone else says/does something racist towards you, because existing invites aggression somehow

where you do not fit beauty standards, because beauty is afforded to the human, and your conditioned low self-esteem lets you know that

where you’re either synonymous with violence, stupidity, or infantilization, because you cannot make your own choices that aren’t irrational.

where your feelings are routinely invalidated and your daily life experiences are not enough evidence and cannot be trusted, because you’re a suspicious character whose humanity is always on trial. so you do not get to define universally what racism is

where you do not get feel anything besides rational at all times, to be carefree or upset or angry without it being a stereotype of you overreacting to everything

where if you fit into a stereotype it could mean your death and the rest of your race tries to put you down as a self-elevating technique, because they have internalized the lie that when you deny your race and culture you become human. where fitting a stereotype means “see i knew they where all like this”

where if you don’t fit into a stereotype you are not your race and culture, because people have such narrow views of what you’re supposed to be that you cannot possibly exist and be your race at the same time, so people of every race take away yours. Oreo. Banana. Coconut. Apple.

where you will legally get more time for the same crimes

where you will socially be demonized more the same crimes

where when you quell the crimes keeping your race down, there are always more that’s made up to keep you in your place (The War on Drugs =_=)

where you get paid less for the same work

where you get hired less with the same qualifications

where having a culturally-coded name that’s not acceptable, like Ibrahim, Jose, or Unique can stop you from getting a job

where there are so many things in place to keep you impoverished and uneducated but it’s still your fault if you don’t have the strength and good luck to defy the lack of social mobility and create your own

where entire countries whose cultures and economies have been destroyed are trying to restart alone and the people that destroyed them blame the country for its own destruction

where the farther your features are from your race the more beautiful you’re considered

where your rank in social hierarchy changes how people treat you the more they find out about your identity, and the more marginalized you are by coming out of the closet or not being christian or not being able-bodied and neurotypical the worse you get racism, because you are a bigger target for various acts of violence and microaggressions

where you get used to microagressions before you hit double digits

where your most recent experience with a microaggression was probably yesterday if the day just started

where you idea of a microaggression is the white summation of racism

where your family teaches you how to assimilate to white culture to try and protect you from all of the above

where your death is an opportunity to blame you for it and demonize you in your grave

where there is a death count just for existing

where there is a death count just for existing

where there is a death count just for existing

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quietlee

How to Stop Negative Thoughts from Getting You Down created by Happify

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the-courage-to-heal
Anonymous asked:

I sent this ask (post/104734573809/i-think-depending-on-the-definition-i-may-have). Since then I've learned from other family members that he didn't even know what he was doing and that he had a pretty messed up childhood. I have also realized that I inherited that kind of temper. I am now pretty worried bc although I am a girl and have been socialized to hold all that in, I think it's likely to snap, and I don't want to do the same thing. Any thoughts on this situation?

the-courage-to-heal answered:

I would like to apologize for taking so long to answer this. I’ve had a very busy week, but now I finally have the time to write a response.

The behaviors you described to me in your first message were definitely emotionally and physically abusive. The following article talks about some of the myths about why abusers behave the way they do.

“Let us look at why an abuser behaves the way he does. Here are some common myths:

1.  He can’t control himself.

2.  He doesn’t know how to handle his feelings.

3.  He was abused as a child, and this is the only way he knows how to behave.

4. He has poor communication skills.

6. He has low self-esteem.

7. He is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.

The reality may surprise you. While drugs and alcohol may make abuse worse, it is never the cause of the abuse. Most men who abuse only their intimate partners and children have complete control over when and why they behave abusively. They rarely lose control of themselves in other social situations. In general, they are able to keep control of their temper at their jobs and with their friends. They often have wonderful relationships with other women. They would rarely consider being abusive to their mothers. In fact, for the majority of abusers, the only time he behaves abusively is at home.

Why is that? In his mind, he abuses you because:

1.  He likes being in control.

2.  He has convinced himself that it is OK to act this way toward you, and mostly

3.  He gets what he wants by his behavior.

It is a myth that abusers can’t control their behavior. They can, and their goal is to control you!” source

A bad childhood doesnt give your Dad a free pass to abuse others. Everyone including your father is responsible for their actions. 

The fact that you’re worried about becoming like your Dad tells me you have a conscience and are willing to look at yourself. A lot of children of abusive parents can pick up some of their unhealthy behaviors. With time, and self awareness you can change those behaviors. Just remember to be kind to yourself during the process. It takes time to change habits and learned behaviors.

Abuse often leaves deep wounds, you have to deal with them in order to heal. Lots of victims of abuse struggle with feelings of pent up anger, I would encourage you to seek out counseling. A counselor can help you deal with the feelings behind the anger so you can let go of it and move forward. I hope that helps a little. If you have any more questions or just need to vent please feel free to send a message. 

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ayowatitis
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projectqueer
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I want to be a sweet granny so bad with a magical pond and willow tree of course

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Is it harassment if I try to explain to my ex my actions after she told me to leave her alone?

Life’s unfair. 
She doesn’t want to talk to you.
I ended a friendship and for 6 months this person tried to contact me. It was and still is upsetting. When they couldn’t they targeted my family and friends. They used others to “get” to me. And, even convinced themselves that their behavior was acceptable because “all they wanted was to explain.”
Do you know how it feels to have someone continually overstep your boundaries?
It feels awful. All you want is peace, for it to stop and it won’t. You can’t tell them to stop again because any reaction just reassures their efforts. You can’t do “normal’ things without the fear that this person will be there or find out and use it against you. 
It is awful. It is horrible. It is damaging.
———————————————————–
Listen to me,
You feel you need to explain your side.
You think this will create a different outcome.
You want to be understood.
BUT
The situation is passed.
Shes uncomfortable.
Respect her space, boundaries and wishes.
She can not be any more clear.
LEAVE HER ALONE!
You need to work through your own issues and figure out why you are in this situation in the first place.
LEARN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE.
It is not her responsibility to deal with your feelings. 
SHE DOES NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING.
Repeatedly crossing someone’s boundaries is toxic and abusive.
————————————————————-
Lastly,
Emotional Manipulation is when someone uses toxic behaviors and tactics to get what they want from another without regard for this person’s needs, feelings or boundaries. 
Blaming, excusing, guilt tripping, projecting, passive aggressive behaviors, lying, minimizing, rationalizing, invalidating are some of these tactics.
When you use these,
You’re trying to convince yourself and others your behavior is okay.
It isn’t.
If you don't STOP & GET HELP you’re going to replay these toxic situations throughout your life. 
YES, YOU HAVE YOUR REASONS BUT THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE TOXIC BEHAVIOR.
Harassment and stalking are repeated manipulative, harmful and unwanted behaviors and actions used to establish or reestablish a relationship with another person.
#ask me#advice#life advice#life lessons#harassment#stalking#break ups#grief#manipulation#emotional manipulation#ask me anything#advice blog#lessons learned#self improvement#self reflection#toxic behaviors#toxic tactics#toxic people#toxic choices#anon#anonymous#send me asks#send me questions#ask#ask open#anon open#wisdom#psychology#psych
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Some people are so entwined in their own bullshit they can't think straight.
They'll treat you badly.
Be toxic as fuck.
And somehow they'll justify, excuse, emotionally reason and rationalize their abuse.
The worst is they'll believe it and get others to believe it.
Listen to me,
You hold on to that shock.
Hold on to that anger.
And,
You walk the fuck away.
Don't walk, run.
Run the fuck away.
You don't owe them an explanation.
You aren't responsible for them.
You aren't meant to educate, teach, reach another human being who abuses you repeatedly.
Fuck the enablers, the supporters, the flying monkeys, the backstabbers, the wishy-washies, the proxies too.
If you would never treat another like that, why is it okay for them to hurt you?
If you can see, if your eyes are open then there's no excuse for theirs to be closed.
When the day comes that they're in your shoes...
You'll be miles away.
And if they want back in your life. Their growth game better be strong and their remorse better be true.
Until then, fuck them all.
You can't save, change or help anyone who sees no issues in hurting you.
Allowing you to be used, abused is mistreatment too.
#applerant#rant#personal rant#personal#abuse advice#abuse#abuse survivor#abuse survival#surviving abuse#survive#thrive#toxic people#manipulator#manipulation#manipulative#manipulative people#liars#cheaters#child abuse#family abuse#domestic abuse#childhood trauma#ptsd#ptsd recovery#life lessons#life advice#life wisdom#self love#self care