Replacing the role of guilt in my life with indulgence and gratitude would be so monumental I would not recognize myself anymore and that’s scawy..........

Ughhh I love the sound of my own laughter it makes me fall even more in love with myself. I’ll be “me” for a time and then I’ll die and become something else. Living and being is one long strange dalliance. Late last night in bed I kissed my own hand and promised to love and protect me until the end. I hope everyone can do this

I need to start going to goth clubs and dressing and posing like I’m a helmut newton photo and strangely watching everyone in the corner but I know what will happen is the musics will compel me and I’ll be in the middle of the floor dancing insanely and incessantly like a snake molting 

learning to style curly hair is like trying to learn the incredibly complex tongue of your ancestors and after years of frustration giving up 6000 times and wishing for straightforward grammar and familiar pronunciation you finally grasp it and find that the poems that were once nonsense now floor you with their staggering beauty. like you apply the right amount of gel and that happens. 

a way to bear loneliness is to embrace it until it becomes so acute its intensity cannot be differentiated from any other type of intensity and you are led to mad avenues of pain and bliss

Reminiscing about how fierce and bizarro of a look my sensory overload on the nyc subway produced. I was wearing black tank top black shorts and red cowboy boots. Too bright I put on my big black fake 60′s sunglasses, black mask on (russet lipstick under mask), too many people so wrapped a big beige patterned shawl around me as a security blanket, having the presence to arrange my braids despite my massive discomfort. Shrinking into the corner, legs crossed, furtively spying on people behind my glasses despite hating the crowdedness, hands clasped on my knee. On the way to the Met. Smelling like nervous sweat and oud. Fashion

As I become stronger I realize you can be nostalgic for one’s bygone fragility and it may seem strange to feel an odd tenderness for the weaknesses that once seemed so unsightly but allowing yourself to do so can prevent a return to them for the sake of familiarity

Being a perpetual onlooker can be agony until it starts to feel religious...I have found that being an avid observer, whether or not by choice, is a gateway to mysticism