(II) but i didn’t say because i didn’t want my boyfriend to know
.
.
.
torture yourself
starve
feel it
mindlessly live
ask for help
don’t want help
make you worry
selfish
i don’t recognize her
(I) stuff i wrote when i was depressed
i wish i could be something else
i wish it could’ve hurt more
i wish the hallucinations were my friends
i wish i wasn’t so damn dramatic
i wish it would leave a bruise
i wish it would make me feel better
i wish i could cry
i wish i could stop being an asshole
i wish i could care
i wish
is this numb? i love it
i’m home
i claim i’m trying to help
yet i cant stop making it for me
i say it isn’t
but i baked my own birthday cake
and with my slice of life
i make worse what
i supposedly sought to do
i cried at your birthday
knowing it wouldn’t help
continuing to say that im trying to
but the gifts i give
aren’t enough to
make up for the tantrum i threw
the mess i made
-
the cake spoils.
i have no idea what i look like
we live our lives reviewing ourselves through filters
personal bias from the only person who knows me
yet i do not know truly what i look like
we can only look at ourselves through other
fun house fitting room mirrors, cameras that aren’t in our skull
how can i know what i look like?
when only those who know what i truly look like
do not know who i am
as i am the only person who knows myself
yet i am unaware of my appearance
-
no one knows what i know
they look at me through a lens
they cannot see my own lens made up of my own life, about my own life
no one knows who i am
their knowledge of themselves differs
as they do not know what i do, i do not know what they do
maybe we all are ignorant
for they know themselves and see what they think of me
and i do the same
we cannot see what we are, and cannot know what we see
with that we can never know the truth
Musical Feet
there’s music in those who pass me
footsteps on lenolium tell a story
rhythm makes a waltz out of a walk
-
horse with a jingle of her bit
dragging dead etch the zombie
groans of a lazy drummers tap
-
they pass whichever way
telling me the story of their soles
bound together through a path
yet so different in the shoes they got here by
my arms wrap around, tight
suggesting mine
you release, as it’s you
who is affected by time
we remain together as
i continue intertwined
hoping to turn you immortal
you as well, are a part of mine
A cow named Kevin
He glistens like silent stars
Fresh diamonds on plush velvet
He gives, yet he does not know
His last silent night of scratches
He gives himself to us, unknowingly
A naïve gentleman, brutiful beast
He does not know
He lays on the ground, wet
Twice again.
open
I push back, more likely in
to my comfort
what makes me emotionally
warm
because, as you say, I don’t ask for
what I want
out of fear
out of compassion
out of submission
but with the sun,
I act.
-glmm
i have no teeth
no breath
only gums
am i a baby
or dead
i have nothing left in my chest to sing with
nothing to feel
numb numb numb
after hurting a long time
numb numb numb
empty
nothing
nothing all the time
nothing to not hurt
nothing is better than feeling
i scream silence
the songs i play too much
all i can do is cry and snot
no breath
i cant breathe
don’t tell me you love me
don’t tell me you care
i don’t want to talk
i just wanna hurt until I’m numb
hurt hurt hurt
numb.
numb..
numb…
no breath
no teeth
all these things should hurt
but silence within loud music
makes me numb
all good things die
like our dogs
the flowers you gave me
us
-
but, what matters is the time spent alive
there’s no point dreading the inevitable
when you can prosper now
-
regardless what dies, it will be remembered
for the life it lived
the love it shared
the beauty it was
-
you will be remembered
in all the laughter you brought
all the sunshine you exuded
all the love you had
-
even past death
because all the best things die
including you.
-glmm
every other one
i was near you for the creation
when we were torn apart
our particles drawn together
-
meet me there, in outer space
-
when we were just nebula
nothing but young dumb dust
evolving, but separately
-
this isn’t always goodbye
-
and now that we are stars
plummeting together
distorting time and space
-
i’ll see you in my next life
-
no longer apart
we are of one
a beautiful chaos, a blackhole
-glmm
whirlwind wonders:
a tornado
blows through me
documents in my brain scatter
like leaves in the wind
it destroys all
-
yet it’s clear
tranquil waters
unsaturated world
i can feel myself developing
into me
weeding my garden
and growing into a jungle
-
wild and free
just like the tornado that shaped me
-glmm
no:
i don’t know why
i don’t want to
isn’t enough of an explanation
isn’t enough of an answer for you
because i don’t want to is enough
it always has been
and always will be
-
because to some people, saying no
that i don’t want to right now
i’m tired
no
it wasn’t enough
to make him stop.
-glmm
do you even know how to feel lol - an explanation - part II
asleep - the smiths
-
my ultimate favourite song. i’ve loved it for years and hope to love it for many more. i have so many unpleasant memories tied to it, i’m confused to how i still love it so desperately. its definitely been a song i became obsessed with. i love it because its been with me through alot. i wouldn’t say it saved my life, or that it got me through some hard times, but its because i don’t want to admit the truth to myself.
-
francis forever - mitski
-
i think some pretty girl on instagram said it was her favorite song, and it also because an obsession. it got me through specifically seventh grade summer, though i loved it long before and still do. i hate that a boy ruined that summer, but at least i had an anthem to cry to.
Just some photos of the architecture of my school for my digital media class.
last december blues:
baby i’m so cold
kiss my neck and call me yours
heat my broken soul
-glmm
you’re not what i want anymore:
don’t look at me
don’t give me attention
i don’t want your eyes to grace my skin
yet not long ago i begged for it
-
i’m not your toy
i’m not a damn game
regardless of the past, its the past
and im over it.
-glmm
deciet:
“I wish you didn’t smoke.” Sheryl continued scrubbing dishes at the sink. Briefly she glanced up to the window, either to see my response in the reflection of the glass, or to get further away from me.
Sheryl always had something to say about me, but of course she was trying. Nonetheless, I was better off with my cigarettes, they keep me sane. At the least, smoke hadn’t stained the walls, yet.
“As you wish.” Ice slit my lips with each word. I crushed the remains of my cigarette into the ashtray.
-
I will quit smoking when the ceiling is stained of tar, until then, I will be outside. Smoking.