I bought a really affirming shirt/jacket thing today that is exactly what I've been looking for for a very long time. I love it so much that I may go back and buy it in different colors.

I know I can never live as who I am, with my name and wearing only clothes that feel good and what not. But I did tell my one friend that does know about all of this, and they have been so encouraging and warm. I hate actively being a secret. I've fought this battle on and off since I was in 4th/5th grade and it always led to me just feeling disappointed in all the things I could never be. With this shirt, though, maybe I can.

So. About that post about my drinking...

It happened again. I blacked out at my fiancée's cousin's wedding a few weeks ago. Thankfully, I didn't do anything embarassing in front of her family, but I did invite her brother's (very new) girlfriend to our wedding dinner. I am mortified and didn't even know about that part until last night when my fiancée told me.

I told said fiancée that I needed to stop drinking, making a verbal, out-loud promise to mainly myself. She said it wasn't a problem because it wasn't every day that it was happening. For me, though, the fact that I can't get through socializing without blacking out or just wanting to drink heavily (even if no alcohol is around) is really scary. I hate that I could only make it about a month after making that initial promise to myself. I just let myself down.

I removed literally all alcohol from the house. I've been avoiding situations where alcohol is involved, which means sacrificing time with my coworkers. On our family vacation a few weeks ago, I decided to not drink even though everyone was at dinner. On that same vacation, when my fiancée and I went out to dinner at a favorite restaurant, we had to be seated right by the bar, and our waiter was one of the bartenders. Tempting.

Anyway. I know I'm just writing to the void, but I had to put it down somewhere. I feel like I should bring it up in therapy, but I've been going through a lot with my OCD and I don't want to tack on one more problem. Maybe at some point I will, but I want to get that under control first and think about my drinking a little longer.

I am so proud of how far I've come in terms if my relationship to alcohol over the past couple of years.

I used it as my sturdiest crutch at social events. It made the darkness a little less scary to face. I was fearless and felt invincible, and that feeling was addicting.

Ever since my first blackout (which happened literally the first time I got drunk), I've hated the way I felt after a night of heavy drinking. But, my God, how great was it to let myself lose control for just a little bit. As time went on and I became more familiar with alcohol, I realized that I was drinking with the sole intention of getting so drunk that I'd forget all the things that were wrong with me. All of the noise would simply go away, and in a weird way, I felt peace.

My drinking got me into trouble so many times. Never anything illegal, but I humiliated myself in front of people whose opinions I cared for greatly. Drinking made me selfish, and I recognize that now. Some people say they feel more like themselves when they're drunk; for me, it was the opposite. When I thought back on those nights (or at least what I remembered of them), I felt a shame so deep that I don't have a word for it. The hangover, I could almost handle, but the regret? Never.

I didn't even need a single drop of alcohol today for Christmas. I had a single glass of wine the night before, and though it didn't get me even a little buzzed, it was easy to say to myself, "That is enough."

The decision I made to be more conscious of my alcoholism was one that completely changed my life. I am happy to have overcome something so dark. Now, I'm going to finish Christmas day with a mocktail--a trend I can absolutely get on board with.