10/2019

things have been looking pretty good for me lately; got a great job, i’m back in school, have my own apartment, and an awesome girlfriend, i couldn’t have imagined this a few years ago, but here we are, i’ll do my best not to mess it up

weird feelings

started talking to a new girl, seems to be going well, but i’m skeptical, idk if it’s just me overthinking or if she’s just not as interested as she says, we live like an hour apart and both have busy schedules so we don’t see each other much, but when we do it’s great, maybe i’m just used to spending more time with people? idk

also i’m moving out in 2 days to get out of the toxic situation in my house (alcoholic stepmom) and starting my new job this week, it seems like both of these things should be making me happier than they are

i’ve been running a lot to get out of the house and get some true alone time to get out of my head and not have to think much, but i think i have to take a break cause lately my ankle has been hurting really bad

there’s a lot going on, but i’m hoping for the best, i need the latter half of this year to be better than the first part for sure

near death

over the past 2 weeks i got my heart broken and thought i lost my only opportunity at a career that i could have and be successful with. i was down bad, considered many ways of ending it, decided on crashing my car, figured i’d wait til my parents were on vacation and out of the country to do it (next week) today i got a call saying that i could retake my preemployment test and would still get the job. the heart break still hurts, but i’m managing, just yesterday i didn’t think i would make it to see 24, today i am more hopeful. so to all of you who are having “yesterday’s” just hold out, your “today” will come. keep grinding, keep shining. we gunna get through this!

not my tweet, but this makes me feel like even if i do get my shit together i still won’t make it long. i’m void of love and joy. i feel weak and unneeded, undervalued and ultimately a failure to myself and my support system. i have failed myself and wish for no one to blame anyone but me in the case something were to happen.

i’ve been having urges to cut recently

circa 12/2018

another apology

i have been here in a while, this is a place a can come in a time when i know i’m in trouble, i’ve been slipping fast, i caught feelings hard for someone who doesn’t like me back (again) and i’ve just been having such little energy, had a week off from work because of i didn’t take vacation i’d lose the paid time off, ended up staying in my bed the entire week pretty much and avoided doing things i’d usually want to do, ive been taking my meds normally, but i’ve also been doing some research on some supplements that are supposed to help serotonin (5-htp and SAM-e) so i might give those a try, but i’m hesitant because of the risk of a manic episode, i feel lonely, not in the sense that i don’t have a support system, but in the fact that i just want reciprocated love on a romantic level, it just seems like i’m never good enough for the one(s) i want, but it’s not like i have ridiculous standards, or i’m chasing girls way out of my league... well this got a little side tracked but whatever

have been noticing that my motivation, energy, and mood are all slipping negatively, scared for it to get worse, don't know what to do, i think i have issues that are affecting people around me but i don't want to cut them off and seem like an asshole, but i don't want to bring them down, having trouble getting up and eating mainly, it's like i have a wall up that won't come down when it comes to getting close to people emotionally

funny how a razor blade works better than any medicine for relieving anxiety

mm/dd/yyyy

one day i'm going to wake up for the last time, that day i believe i will finally crack, give in, and lose my battle, i'm not sure when it will be but i also don't know what i'm going to do in the meantime, it seems like this day is inevitable and ominously near, i just hope that i can be forgiven by the ones i love and those who love me. on this unspecified day i will be forever broken by this disease, i wish it didn't have to be like this, i wish there was something i could do, but it seems there isn't, i can barely afford my medicine much less going to the doctor, and from past experience i know that that combination is quite detrimental to my mental health and will likely end up with me either in a hospital. it might be tomorrow, it might not be for a decade, but i don't see it happening any other way, i'm sorry...

i just feel like i'm never gunna get my shit together man...

i'm fuckin radical