when Lemony Snicket wrote “I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday ” that hurt me

OH WOW THIS IS BEAUTIFUL 

it came to me in a dream.

sex ed in the south is so concerning lmfao. my bible teacher taught it and he told us women cant actually orgasm. his evidence was that he’d been with his wife for 30 years and I quote “if the female orgasm was real i would have seen it by now.” miss banks if you’re out there i am so sorry ma’am

i find this extremely funny

when in truth these skaters would be laughing at me cause im sitting here wasting away while eating cookies and milk

whats it like getting 8 hours of sleep every night

vulpx this reply needs its own hall of fame imo

Just found out moose can dive as deep as 20 feet (6m) for aquatic vegetation. Can you imagine like, being a diver, and you’re 20 feet underwater, it’s murky, and you run into a moose

A

MOOSE!!!!

The police pull my lifeless body from a lake but I’m wearing the funniest hat they’ve ever seen and they can’t stop laughing and keep dropping me back into the water

OH WOW THIS IS BEAUTIFUL 

doctors and all other medical specialists during check-ups: "hmmm well it seems like nothing is wrong with you, you say you are having pain? idk take some tylonel and sleep it off i guess, you will probably live"

dentists: "your teeth are yellow as shit and your gums are unhealthy, you only brush twice a day when you should be doing it 4 times an HOUR, WHY don't you floss. i see darkness in your future and the darkness represents cavities, you've got diseases we haven't even seen before, all your shit is fucked up my guy, even your jawline sucks and i don't even test for that, absolutely pathetic. don't show your face here again"

Kyle is feeling salty

I was baking a strawberry shortcake for my mom when I realized that I forgot the baking powder. I began to panic so I pulled the cakes out of the oven; they were already completely baked but they rose just fine without the baking powder? I was staring at them in confusion, trying to remember if I accidentally put yeast in the batter, when I felt a shadow loom over me. I looked over my shoulder only to find Luigi. Luigi tenderly took my hands and told me, “You need not worry, for I will accompany you in any and all of your baking endeavors.” I have never felt more loved in my life. I cried.

I thought this was the mother of all shitposts and then I saw the url

back then i remember wanting to be paris hilton’s chihuahua

ready for school

THEYRE SO FUNNY FHDODHSKDHDJFH

My wife and I were cooking dinner together and when we sat down to eat she said, “You know what I like about you?” and so I obviously asked her what and she was like “With you, every night feels like Friday,” and it was so fucking cute. Why is she so nice to me.

Dear Future Girlfriend,

I’m going to make you a sandwich.

This seems retarded, right?

See, to most guys, it’s usually the other way around. 

But no. I’m not like that. 

I want to prove to you that I’m not like the sexist guys out there in this world.

You don’t belong in a kitchen, because you belong in my heart.

Sincerely, 

Me.