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most of the time i love my job but god some days i just hate it so much and feel an immense amount of pressure to get my shit together so that i never have to teach again (and today is one of those days)

every time i delete the instagram app off my phone and go a month or so without it i get really intense anxiety about going back on it. i really don't want anyone to know what or how i'm doing. which i guess is like bad for my "career" or whatever 💔

right now i'm afflicted with an intense restless energy that can only be cured by roller blading

i know exercise is supposed to help with chronic pain but literally every time i exercise i get a migraine despite doing everything i can to try and prevent that from happening. i would like to just be normal and able to exercise and become stronger but i just don't know how

everything i do is in service of being able to decorate my gay little house someday

i need to apply for video editing wfh jobs or something because the constant anxiety about whether my classes will make enrollment is not fun. but i have no portfolio i'm not deeply embarrassed by. so i have to like... actually make stuff and finally get an actual camera because i've been putting it off. scary

i don't want to "make work" or "advance my career" i just want to make my girlfriend a nice gift and watch movies and make dumb videos that don't mean anything but instead i have to like... worry about what the future holds

my partner is gone for a few weeks so i started working on her christmas gift which is a wooden puzzle model of a building she thinks is pretty that's also a lamp when it's finished and she called me to tell me she got a wooden puzzle of the same building lmao. at least my version will be painted and also a lamp but i was absolutely not expecting her to find a premade model of the hyperspecific thing i decided to make her

my brain trying to pull me in a thousand different directions and my lack of confidence in my ability to successfully complete anything is really holding me back always

i'm getting a haircut in an hour and still have no idea what i want lol i'm considering telling my hair dresser to surprise me because i'm too indecisive

i just finished the crying in hmart audiobook and need to find something else to listen to on my very long commute does anyone have recommendations? <3

i got some silver black velvet paint brushes because everyone raves about them and oh my god. life changing. who knew painting could be such a fun and enjoyable experience

i miss my contractor job and am living vicariously through home reno videos

i'm incredibly sick from severe allergies, i cancelled my classes today and am on steroids for it now. but why do i still feel guilty about not being productive even when i'm sick lol

for the first time ever in my life i submitted an application before the day it is due!! now that it's done i have to make some shirts, hats, and prints and pray i sell enough to afford moving

wow feeling like my dreams and goals are too unattainable and that my life will consist of nothing but job and grant applications and attempting to prove myself worthy of financial support forever and ever and maybe my ultimate dream is just to do a big gay puzzle on the floor with people i love, warm inside on a cold winters day and maybe nothing else matters. anyway i'm drowning.