Can happiness be found in selfishness? Is solitude the path for those not blessed by the sparks?

The theory is that there are people blessed by sparks, each spark represents our essence. Only a choose few can be blessed by these sparks, love, happiness, meaning. The sparks gives us or purpose or meaning. Not evil not good just our essence. But for those not blessed by the sparks where do they find their purpose? their strength? their happiness? Some say the sparkless follow those blessed by the sparks in the chance that the amber light lights their essence. A myth so the sparkless can’t find their path. To compare themselves to those who shine, to flock leading to weakness stunting your growth. The secret to those blessed by the sparks are is that desires are burnt to cinder. That cinder creates their sparks. The present brings the shine the sparkless crave. Future and identity shroud them from shinning. The truth is nobody is blessed by the sparks they create them. Those blessed by the sparks have the hunger to create there sparks for themselves. Those not blessed don’t have the hunger to hold their desire. Even if impossible your hunger should be gluttonous to create that spark. Born with the spark or the hunger to create your own. It doesn’t matter.

The appeal of despair

Life may be incredibly miserable; sadly, many individuals find it difficult to forgive others, and many people view pain as an experience that must be endured. We learn to live with pain, suffering, and all words that describe these emotions. People often compare other situations that feel similar to them to their own pain because of this. The adage " misery loves keep company" wasn't coined by accident; on a fundamental level, it may be comforting to know that those around you are also going through difficult times and battling for their survival every day. This sentiment extends not just to actual people but also to fictitious characters. Something about a protagonist—or any character, for that matter—going through adversity creates not just compelling character arcs but also relevant situations that an audience can identify with. You are far more likely to cling onto it and develop a poisonous or parasocial bond with someone if you see yourself within them.

Some of the most well-liked and or critically acclaimed characters in fiction are the ones that have gone through the most suffering. Guts from Berserk's whole persona is built around pain, suffering, and overcoming adversity. His entire life has been filled with suffering up to this moment, and readers  seem to like this. They like watching him battle through his struggles day in and day out. They like witnessing someone persevere in the face of hardship. It not only provides them a persona to identify with, but it also gives them a role model. If Guts could survive the eclipse, I'm sure I can get through this challenging workday. If he could defeat hundreds of demons every day, I'm sure I can pass the test that will determine whether I pass or fail. The suffering itself has value but it’s also the character dealing with that suffering and triumphing over it that hits home for many people. But this sadness can be taken of context as we find to connect with people. These stories should be used as ways to improve ourselves and not find solace in these characters pain. Despair should be overcome.

I’m Awesome.

I’m gonna give myself the chance to be proud of myself, this is something I'm not used really but the past couple of months have been great. I hit a couple of goals I’ve finally gotten the tattoos I wanted and the mental is doing better than usual. And I have this positive outlook on life that I thought would never happen, who knew going to the gym and losing weight would make you feel better. But there is a weird angle to this journey I'm on at the moment, where too now? Should I feel solace in my achievements? Or dread for not being here sooner? It’s crazy that it has taken me this long to get my head under control but my journey is not gonna be the same as someone else's. The days of struggling to get out bed are gone, I feel invigorated ever-time I wake know. The chance to better myself every day is something that makes me happy now and I’m proud of myself for getting here. To that edgy first-year student who was going through hell every day it got better.

Berserk helped me heal.

It’s not often I find myself speechless after reading something, but the beautiful, twisted and hopeful world of Berserk did just that. Kentaro Miura created something that won’t be topped for generations to come. The last time I was so enthralled in a world was when I read Naruto every Wednesday at high school. Those days of childlike bliss helped me understand the world at its characters, that story was made for someone like me, someone who needed the drive to achieve their dreams to never give up, that was Naruto for me. But with me growing up things have changed, I’ve become more jaded in my way of thinking and I long for those days of reading Naruto where I was more hopeful. I always knew about Berserk but I never got around to reading it and some of the things I heard about it I was not that impressed. “Those” scenes are not helpful in my opinion for telling the story, maybe the one that happened at the festival helps because it fuels Guts’ rage against Griffith but the rest in the story are pointless, I can kind of see what Miura was doing with these scenes. He uses these scenes to invoke horror in his characters but as someone whose sensitivity to these types of “scenes” I found it distasteful but I understand it. The reason  I love this manga is that it shows the world as it is. Art has been shackled by publishers and editors to make it more marketable. This manga would never be published in today’s world. Berserk’s world mirrors ours, and that’s why it holds such a special place in many people’s lives. The black swordsmen arc shows Guts as a horrible human being not interested in the plight of their people, but with all the horrible things Guts said I always thought he was trying to be something he was not. This horrible world turned him into something that he wasn't. Guts crying at the end of the arc really hit home, I wanted to know what made this “good” person so evil. And after reading the Golden Age arc it all made sense. The Golden Age arc is the best arc in manga history I’ve never read something that illustrates the human experience so thoughtful. Love, hate, friendship, and trauma. To see how all these things were going to be taken from Guts was painful to read. He had to close his heart cause the most important person in his life took everything from him. Guts had every right to kill Griffith and I wanted him to. But what will that revenge cost him and us? Neglecting our loved ones just like Guts did to Casca, destroying our bodies? hurt those around us? Just to release this rage that we have inside of us. It is really worth it.? The people Guts meet on his journey changed his view of the world. It gave him another chance. And I know the ending is not that well received in the community and it did feel rushed but I still liked it. My life is nothing compared to what Guts experienced but the rage and pain are something I can relate with. Guts choosing to help Casca and abounded his quest against killing Griffith was something I could never do. But I had to, my life can’t just by hate Guts learned that and I so should I.            

Pity

I have this thought

I keep it upstairs

Many don’t wander up there, but

I enjoy my time here,

 Luxuriant and glowing ideas,

Stay here, they are bright they are lovely,

They give me solace; they keep me warm.

I don’t feel tiny here I feel happy.

I frolic through the books, I frolic through the pictures

I explore until my feet hurt or I lose track of time.

I love this space and it loves me.

 Time passes I visit again hoping to feel this joy again,

The floor feels different, the once comfortable carpet that once warmed my feet,

Now cuts them like pins.

The books have mould, the pages don’t show what they once had,

They show shadows and embers emerge burring my hands,

Angry consumes me, this once peaceful sanctuary,

Now just a memory of a bygone age.

But the cycle continues I know this place will re-emerge it always does,

The pain will be unbearable, but I know that this is necessary,

Because this place will emerge again.  

Yeah the whole superhero thing ain’t that good.

I recently just finished watchmen, not the movie but the HBO series and my first thought was that this a masterpiece. The social commentary of the current political climate in America was bold to do because many writers would not touch this subject. For good reason, it is very hard to write a story about that tackle these themes racial injustice, inequality and white supremacy without the story feeling based. And the showrunners did an okay job but their are many issue that I had the with story. I’m not a avid reader of the watchmen graphic novels but I have a very basic understanding of what the graphic novel was trying to portray. The idea of a superhero is hero weird, some would say problematic but I’m not that far of the deep end. First I think it is important to understand why superhero were created and at first what was the idea behind them. The golden age was when the comic book industry started it’s introduction into the American culture. This being around the second world war, and when one goes back to read these issues they were propaganda and hopefully to a small extent. Captain America punching Hitler, Superman punching Hitler these portrayed we the “good guys” America beating up the bad guys Nazis. And a lot of these issues played with stereotypes. And they played into the bogeyman trope a lot. These costume vigilantes always had a traumatic experience that led them to seek justice, Batman parents got killed in front of him , Spiderman he’s uncle died. And in the case of Batman his parent left him a fortune and yes I’m going to play into the whole Batman meme but as Bruce Wayne he could help Gotham in many more ways than he could as Batman.  But it is important to understand that these stories are meant to entertain the consumers but that does not mean they are above reproach. Batman has a choice, help Gotham the way many critics think he should, with he’s money but he does not, he does it by breaking criminals bones, and yes I know in some writer do make Bruce help the city in this way. My favorite Batman comic is the White Knight were it tackles these issues. He’s moral absolution is what drives his character but what happens when someones “good” it different from your “good”. And this is where watchmen comes in. A more grounded approach and some what nihilistic “superhero” story. Try to imagine superhero's in the real-world, it would be a lot reminiscent of the Boys universe or the Watchmen universe. And the power that comes with it, power can corrupt anyone, a teacher, a ceo, presidents the list goes on. And with being a superhero there comes a sense of supremacy with it, as Baron Zemo so eloquently said “the desire to become a superhuman cannot be separated from supremacist ideals”. And Alan Moore who I don’t always agree with spoke about this a lot when he critiques the superhero genre. He’s most damming critique came from calling D.W Griffiths movie Birth of a Nation the first superhero movie. Not a lot of people know what Birth of a Nation is about so here is quick summary, the Klan goes around saving white woman from being raped by the evil enemy the blacks. At face value this seems like a huge stretch to say this is the first superhero and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to entrain this idea but let’s just run with it. Black and White good and evil , hero vs villain, who is the hero in Birth of a Nation? who saves the woman form being raped? who wears masks and capes to hide their identities? who is the villain of story? Why do these hooded figures take up their mask and capes? in my opinion this a very distasteful comparison, we know what the Klan is, we know what they did. But all the tropes in Birth of a Nation are seen in all comic book stories just take the racisms out.

This is why Watchmen is a cult classic, as many superhero stories are nowadays aimed at a younger audience and paint their universes as black and white, people get tired with this formula. That doesn’t mean these stories don’t have value and can teach good lesson to kids, but that’s were it’s value ends. It’s for kids, some stories try to tackle more mature themes but their is an issue, the characters are meant to be seen as beacons of justice not as humans who are flawed. Watchmen has it’s story follow damaged individuals, Nite Owl is a mess in the graphic novel, he has a lot insecurities is scared for the pending nuclear doom. It’s implied that he took up crime fighting to help with his self-confidence not a heroic origin story. Many of the “hero's” in watchmen took up crime fighting  because of their insecurities and personally issues it isn’t some virtuous purist of justice. Some characters are lost without their masks Nite Owl being one. The HBO show has a lot different storylines that it wants to discuss. Towards the end of the show I found the whole white supremacist plot of brainwashing blacks to kill each other and having a Dr. Manhattan white supremacist's kind of goofey. It makes white supremacy this bogeyman forces in the show. By having people in the dark corners of society plotting against blacks is weird, their is no nuance to what racisms is and how our institutions are built around it. But I can't tell what the showrunners were trying to tell it’s audience, racisms is bad any decent human being knows that, when characters beat up racist's in a weird way they try to make it seems as they are doing bad things and I use that term very lightly. You can't expect an audience to feel sorry or try to connect with characters that are doing things most of use agree with, the beating up racist part. It’s not faithfully to the source material but is it still good? meh                  

Playing the Last of us part 2 just showed me why I hate and love the gaming community.

In my life, it goes anime, games, and depression. The first game I ever played was Lara croft on ps1. And I can't forget the feeling of being absolutely enthralled in this universe. This medium became my way of experiencing a world of fantasy, gore, love, and amazing storytelling. The reason I loved this medium is because even though I could fail over and over again I could still try again and not have the constant fear of someone telling me I was a failure. It's a medium in which I could have fun and relax and escape the horrors of the world. And last week one of my favorite games that I enjoyed the last of us came out with a sequel which I was really excited by. And the gaming community is going to war. I never realized until recently that gaming had such a toxic environment around it. You can just watch a slaty compilation on YouTube to see what I'm talking about. And this critique can also be directed at me. I fucking hate it when I play online games and it's just a lagy game or when I'm playing a fighter and I can't land a hit on the AI or when I'm playing PVP. It scares me sometimes on how much such a trivial thing can angry me, but it's cause I care about this medium, maybe too much sometimes. But I have never seen community hate on something so much, to clarify I read the leaks and I fucking hated them. I tweeted a pretty bigoted post on Twitter about and I vowed not to get the game. But I got it anyway and I loved the game. One of the best storylines I've experienced in my life. That doesn't mean that the game doesn't have a shit ton of things wrong with it cause it does like a lot. Like any medium there aren't perfect movies, books, or music all of our opinions are subjective. I don't think the game is a 10 out 10 or a 0 out 0. I really don't like scoring things but I know that it's important when it comes to critiquing art. In my opinion, it's a 8 out of 10 I absolutely love Ellie's storyline because it's believable and to honest Joel dying was not pointless, he's death is the reason why the story gets going.  I really didn't like Abby's storyline it wasn't done well. A lot of the side characters aren't really that well fleshed out. The first game primarily focuses on Joel and Ellie's storyline and both their character arcs are really well done but with some many characters in part 2, it's really hard to connect with them. A weird thought that I had I was if they splint this game into two-part like what they are doing with the final fantasy remake which I really hate but in the context of the story it would have helped. The people that are sad the Joel died and say it's a bad story really loss me. I have learned not to become a Stan of the things I like cause it really clouds my judgment on the things l like. As an example, Naruto is my favorite anime and I thought there was absolutely nothing wrong the story at all but going on social media and seeing how crazy people are about the things they love it really opened my to see that just loving something doesn't make it perfect and I don't want to a have a cult-like love for anything l like. Joel is one of my favorite character in gaming but he isn't a good person he's human and that's why l love he's character. I love it when writers create characters that are believed. A lot of times as fans we want the people we lot up to be perfect and obviously if we knew their flaws we wouldn't like them as much as we do. But there are anti-heroes who we love Deadpool, Vegeta and Joel falls into this category. Joel's story is sad, the world he lives in is sad losing your daughter in the beginning of an apocalypse is sad. Joel had to become a monster to survive in this cruel world. The ending of the game really left me  conflicted cause it really shocked me how selfish Joel was but he's decision made sense. I felt sorry for him throughout the game. But when you see him becoming a happier person in this depressing world it's such an amazing story, to see a character have hope in a hopeless world is compelling storytelling. It's very rare that we see our characters deal with their consequences, I really liked the risk that they took, it wasn't executed perfectly but I appreciate the risk.  The last of us part 2 isn't a story about "revenge is bad"  it's a story about forgiveness. It's about both Ellie and Abby learning how to forgive. I honestly haven't seen one positive review of this game anywhere and I'm going to to make a massive generalization but it seems they hate the game for either the following reason 1.) they killed Joel a "beloved character" 2.) you had to play as his killer 3.) they don't like the second half of the game. These are reasonable critiques but the ones I constantly see are "trolls" who are just hiding behind the really stupid defense of "it's just trolling or I'm joking" to hide behind their bigotry. And this why I sometimes hate the gaming community, it's the people who are saying homophobic and transphobic things about the game and making "jokes" about people that like the game. And there are people who say if you don't like the game that your bigot these two extremes are also going to be a part of the conversation it's just said that they are also going to be the loudest voices in talking about this game. These two sides are really infuriating when they talk about the game its just sad that this is how we as community react to things we don't agree on but this is who we are and I don't why I'm surprised about the war going on. Now, time to talk about Ellie's character arc I really loved it. It's her descent into revenge that makes the story believable. Here goal is to kill Abby it's pretty straight forward. And one quick side note I really didn't mind the violence cause I don't see how it's different from the first game violence. There are casual gamers that will find the violence disturbing but I've seen game reviewers and journalists who loved doom eternal and think this game violence is too hard to deal with like really dude?  I'm gonna make another post talking about Ellies' characters arc cause I really wanna flesh out my argument.

To Zack Fair my first hero.

Final Fantasy is probably the series I hold closet to my heart. And it introduced me to a lot of things when I was 12, and it’s the first form of media I can remember that made cry and. The first final fantasy game I ever played was crisis core, I always knew about the series because I watched the advent children like twenty times and that when I first saw Cloud and Sephiroth and as a kid, I loved these characters. Cloud had the Buster Sword and Sephiroth had the Masamune and pretty ridiculous sword that’s 9 feet long. It’s cool as swords go but it’s probably the most annoying thing to carry around. And at that age, I’ve already been introduced to anime. The first anime I ever watched was Eureka 7 so I was pretty used to this form of media. But crisis core left me pretty broken. As a kid you don’t really see all the symbolism that different media tries to portray, all I got from it was a guy with a big sword killing monsters. So I was reminiscing about why I liked that much. At school, we only got our electronics every Wednesday and Sunday if I can remember. I only had a PSP and some of the other guys also had PSP and we would always trade games with each other, but we were only allowed to play for like 2-3 hours(don’t quote me on that one) and I always played crisis core, it took me like a month to finish it but it was worth it. So basically the story revolves around Zack Fair a soldier who’s part of a military organization that “helps” clean up monsters around the world. That’s a very simple description of the company but there is a whole lot more about Shinra that’s bad. And Zack had a mentor that he looked up, Angeal who’s a first-class soldier and Zack is a second class soldier. All of Zack's morals are based around being a hero and having a lasting legacy. But time after time he can’t achieve this because he’s always put in situations that he has no control over because as a hero it’s your duty to do the right thing even if it hurts. He had to kill he’s mentor cause he was going crazy and was going to hurt people. At first, he didn’t want to do it he thought maybe he could change his mind, well he did the first time. But after he had breakdown he really didn’t have a choice. And that’s something he had to do the right thing even though it hurt him that’s a hero. And a hero always has a love interest and that was Aerith Gainsborough( I know these names are stupid). And their relationship was sweet and really heartwarming. He wanted to spend more time with her but he couldn’t cause as a solider you always have your duty. And you never got to see what their relationship could have been. And one of the themes of crisis core was never getting do what you wanted to do. The most heartbreaking part, well their two but the one that stuck with me the most was the letter that Aerith sent Zack but he never got them cause he captured by a crazy scientist who did experiments on him. And when he escaped 4 years had passed which he didn’t know. Aerith kept on sending him a letter and she didn’t know that he was captured, logically see the thought that he was ghosting her and she finally got over it and stop sending letters cause after a while when you try to connect with someone and you aren’t getting a connection from them it hurts and it’s not good for your psyche. And Zack was angry cause he really wanted to spend time with her. So for once, he decided to do something that he wanted to go see Aerith and spend time with her like he promised so he went to Migrad with Cloud to go see Aerith but on the way, he was stopped by Shinra he kind of left the company after finding out they were doing human experiments on people so he basically had a bounty on his head. So Zack did what any hero would do, he took on the Shinra army all by himself which was badass and while playing it I thought he was going to win but he didn’t one man can’t take on an entire army by himself. And watching Zack on the floor with blood all over him it hurt, I watched his whole life be so unfair to him, killing your best friend having your comrades betray you he never got to live the life that he wanted to. And this scene always makes me cry even writing about it now makes me cry. Cloud was in a coma and he finally woke up from it so crawled all the way to Zack and saw he’s mentor and best friend was about to die and he couldn’t do anything about it. Zack finally wanted to do something from he’s own accord he wanted to see Aertih but he couldn’t. Finally, for once he did something for himself but it didn’t matter, he never got to meet Aertih again and he died. I cried, it felt like I had lost a friend. Cloud was so traumatized by seeing Zack he became schizophrenic, he became Zack the thought of losing he’s mentor was too hard to deal with so to cope he became Zack and forgot about him. Cloud forgot about him and so did Aerith and as a hero all wanted was a legacy and he told Cloud on he’s death bed to carry his legacy for him. But he was forgotten.                  

Sic Mundus Creatus Est,

Thus, the world was created. It’s a quote from my favorite Netflix show Dark, it’s German so a lot of people don’t feel like reading subtitles but with my years of being a weeb, it isn’t an issue for me. And the current state of things isn’t looking great and there isn’t a point of talking about it cause everyone knows what it is. And just looking at the current state of the world it is really weird on how the world is responding to this, like in my native country the government has done a lot for the amount cases that have been recorded by the government “7″ cases which are a very suspicious, going on lockdown, building 2 extra hospital seems proactive a face value but just knowing the government like I know it seems weird. And the way how different parts of the media are trying to spout their agenda to the masses, and in times like this, the truth should be the only that matters. Informing people about the situation but it’s more important to get your ideology across than, to tell the truth. Seems money and profit are more important than human lives, and it’s always going to be like that. Hopefully, when this under control we can go to our normal lives our reality is still going to be the same cause people are greedy. Some, not all billionaires are making giving money to people who need it and are trying to help in any way that they can but the 1% that control our society don’t seem that inserted in helping the world. And their always those people like why should give their money away, or they gave 2 million and that enough but when looking at their net worth it is about 0.0043% of their net worth and yes you can say that how do they win if do something we are still going to angry at them and if they don’t do anything we are still going to be angry. But with things being the way they are at the moment shouldn’t human life be more important than profit, political agendas. But it seems they aren’t. If this gets under control and so many people would have lost their jobs lost love ones and they need to make money to help their families. And these massive businesses are going to have people running to apply for any job they can to help their love ones. And the way these numbers are just being throw around as if those people weren’t important to somebody. And hey it’s only a couple of people have died it isn’t going to lessen the pain these people are going through. And there are positives a least there aren’t 20 million deaths around the globe. It’s going to be a hard couple of months for us to deal with the hope we can help each other get through this and take the steps that are going to help us to flatten the curve, but with certain people feeling invincible and not caring about those around just shows of the type things we are going to deal with. Strength to those who have lost their loved ones in this and hope for the rest of dealing with this. Cause hope and taking the necessary steps to help stop the spread are the only things we can do. Help and hope.  

Special for a while.

So after all the formalities of the past week and waiting for the dust to settle I can stop looking at the world through rose-colored lenses and get a more realistic view of the world around me. And it was great for a while not even great it was pretty amazing and in the moment of all that bliss, I wished that every day could be like this, but that asshole in the back of my head had other ideas as. And in the moment of all that bliss, I felt a sense of dread begin to consume me. And continued for a while. And I wanted to know we this happened through all the things the mind goes through I try to make sense of all the things that go on inside it, as hopeless as it is. But it started to make sense in its own equine way. In life, you are always going to be disappointed by things around you, it is better to keep these words inside oneself rather than voice it. “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” and that’s something we all have to get used to. Hope is a better word to describe the feeling for something to happen with the people you surround your self with. And looking back at it even though I was in my childlike happiness during everything, I just realized that things will never be like this ever again. Cause everyone has their own path and not everyone is supposed to be apart of that. You might have to stop to fill up the tank and reminisce about the stops you had along the way, but then you continue on your way. The proper people that you want in your life will continue to be with you. It’s just about finding the people you want to be in your life, but they will also find their place and hopefully you stay on that path with you. It’s nice having people that will make you feel special for a day, but it’s better to have those who make you feel better every day of your life. As unrealistic as that sounds it’s better to hope it than to expect it.        

Learning New Things.

Waking up from my slumber I thought all the events that transpired yesterday was my mind playing tricks on but it wasn’t. When I woke up the watcher was watching, normally watching people sleep is pretty creepy but with her, it didn't feel like it. “Good morning I hope your sleep was pleasant but I’m sorry we have to continue with the activities for today”. It’s time for you to learn the truth of this place. This is limbo where the unworthy souls come to find redemption. 

Unworthy? Redemption? Things still didn’t make sense, but all of sudden the mark on wrist suddenly started burning, this time the pain was unbearable. “ That is the mark of the unworthy. It shows how you died”. “You have the chance to redeem yourself.” This all still wasn’t making any sense but things started to make more sense, the whole unworthy thing was stared to make sense. My memories were still fuzzy but I remember something that I learned from a book I read. Valhalla was the realm of the dead, those who died in battle were those who had an honorable death but those who died an unhonorable death like the old and the sick I guess I was in that category. “That’s a good concept you have in your head but it’s pretty far off”. The reason your death was unworthy was that you killed yourself......                    

A New Beginning.

I never thought things would end up like this, I don’t remember how I got here, things are different the sky is different the air and aura it doesn't feel like home. Looking at my body things seem the same but there is this strange writing on wrists it doesn't look like any language I knew of. The words started to burn my skin but I didn’t feel any pain, to be honest, I didn't feel anything for some odd reason I liked the feeling. As I was looking into the distance I saw a figure walking towards me it looked humanoid and as the figure came closer and closer. It was a woman she wasn’t like any other woman that I have ever seen before, I almost felt safe around her, I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew I would like her. As she finished her journey towards me she was looking straight into my eyes, it’s like her eye’s put me through a trance it was if I was looking into an ocean, the waves are calm and it wasn’t a scary ocean you just knew that you could never drown in it. She hugged me and said: “your fine now, don’t worry pain doesn't exist in this reality”. Tries started falling down my eyes I didn’t know why this was happening but it would later make sense, this place would make sense the people would sense. Welcome to Limbo she said I am your watcher and I will help become accustomed to this new plain of reality. We have many souls come through this plain, some get lost on their journey and it is up to the watchers to guide the lost souls back on their journey. All your answers will be answered tomorrow have some rest I know your journey was long.      

Reconnect a broken world

 Living is no different from being died if you're all alone. Death Stranding is a couple of months away and it’s the most excited I’ve been for a video game since the witcher and devil may cry and red dead redemption. It’s by Hideo Kojima the video game industries Quentin Tarantino which I don’t really like that comparison. I’m not a cinema savant so I don’t the hype around he’s movies. Django was amazing and Pulp Fiction was amazing but that’s about that’s just too good movies in my mind, M. Night Shyamalan had some good movies but everyone calls him the worst director in Hollywood. But in Tarantino's defense, he never made anything like After Earth and that abomination live-action remake of the Last Airbender. I’ve been looking at the questions that Death Stranding is asking us and it’s quite difficult to understand what those questions. It’s going to be very interesting to hear the reviews tomorrow. The game has this cloud of uncertainty around it and I’m excited cause I don’t think it's going to be your conventional video game. And with the themes, this game is going to discuss it’s going angry a lot of people I think. Especially with the America theme, it’s trying to portray. But I honestly hope this game brings a new wave of gamers into the gaming the world, even though it’s one the most toxic communities in the world it’s also on the most amazing communities. I started playing video games when I was 5, my father got me the PlayStation 1 and the first game I ever played was Tomb Raider. It’s also been one of the few things that give me joy in my life, And the thing that I loved about them was that I could fail time and time again but I always got to try again, get better gear level up to kill the boss. Nobody was shouting at me telling me what idiot I was for falling off a cliff or using the wrong item or not dodging quick enough. I always knew that if I fucked up I got a second to right my wrongs. And of course, this is just a fantasy world and this would never be true in today world but it’s always a good escape to go into a world where you learn new things see amazing storylines and for me, most of the time connect with this fictional characters more than humans. One of the hardest things I saw a character do as Joel from The Last of Us killing the fireflies because they were going to cure the human race of the zombie disease with the help of Ellie but she had to die from them to get blood that they needed to create a cure cause Ellie had developed a resistance to the disease but Joel didn't care about saving humanity, he created this bond with this little girl that he hated in the beginning but now he saw her as he’s own blood. There are many more stories that have come from games. But I think Death Stranding could be the best story yet.                          

Character Profile: India Tyres

My beautiful ray of sunshine, words can't describe how you've made the year so much better from taken time out of busy ass schedule to see me means the absolute world to me. From meeting you in grade 10 and having one of best December I can remember having you in my life has been an absolute blessing. Love you Indie ❤️

Joker is a cinema masterpiece.

The Joker is the best movie I have ever watched, even better than fight club. Both movies are very similar and both try to convey the same message, that a broken system produces broken people. It’s been a while since I have watched a movie that has made me feel sad and amazed at the same time. These are the type of movies that the world needs right now, movies that make use feel uncomfortable movies that question the system that we are a part of. Everything from the music the cinematography everything that this movie did was amazing. It has a very similar twist to that of fight club which shocked everyone in the theater. It was exactly what I wanted from a standalone Joker movie it had so many callbacks to the comics even if they weren't obvious. It felt like I was watching the Killing Joke but instead of Commissar Gordon being the one in the funhouse it was Arthur. The iconic line that ever comic book fan takes from that comic is “ All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.” And we always think that as humans that we cant be possible to do the things that these monsters on the TV do, but in fact, we don’t have a dam clue of what we are capable of. Everything keeps on getting worse and worse for Arthur, as so many things get worse and worse for all of use. Sawyer7mage said something that has really stuck with me, there has been controversy with the release of Joker which doesn't make sense. Just the media trying to get start something out of nothing as usual. Sawyer said “There are people that are afraid of feeling uncomfortable because they might see something that reflects a reality they don’t like. The problem with that though is that unless we face that reality,  unless we’re able to sit down and look at that reality in the face, we’re never gonna get anywhere’. It’s essentially a rule of life that the more we avoid something, the more we pretend something doesn’t exist or isn’t there, the more we keep it going, and the more it grows. And it’s true, the society we live in doesn’t want to acknowledge that people like Arthur actually exist, that people like me who have mental illness exist. Mental health will always be a taboo subject for us to discuss, not to discredit people who suffer from mental health but there is another side of the coin when it comes to the mental health discussion, BIPOLAR, SCHIZOPHRENIA, BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, DEMENTIA  OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER AUTISM and POST- TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER all these “taboo” mental health illness never get discussed because we will always see people like Arthur and me and who suffer from the other side dark side of mental illness as crazy or as animals. And I honestly don’t know how we are ever going to change that. Joker is a good start, but movies are not going to change we see each other I honestly don’t know what will. 

When Arthur has he’s weekly sessions with the lady at the beginning of the movie it resonated with me cause I've had that happen to me far too many times. A therapist that does not help you, who doesn’t listen to you. Their just waiting for you to finish telling your problems to them so they can cash the check for their next session. In every profession, there are people who do not know what their doing therapist are not any different. It also show’s how little the government care’s about the public sector, cutting funding from them. Low- income people are just supposed to get on by without any help, and not all mental illness can lead to hurting other people but some do. And if we do not help these people who will? And the most poetic moment of the movie is at the end we have the creation of the Joker and the creation of the Batman, as the Joker always tells Bats “we need each other” one can not exist without the other. In all the chaos that the Joker created he also created Batman                             

Change.

Is change really possible? Can anyone achieve redemption? Watching the latest season of 13RW I wasn't really that keen to watch but I watch boruto so this wouldn't that hard. It's such a werid thing redemption, supposedly anyone can get it but what if your crimes are unredeemable? I think I'm in the majority when I say everyone hates Bryce he raped Hannah, Jessica and Chole and what every happens to him he deserves it right? I always had a problem with how Batman did his job by always putting the villains in jail and it would be easier just to kill them so they don't do this again ( I'm probably going to be on a FBI list after that statement) if you hurt other people should you have a chance to rectify your mistakes? Bryce was trying to do this, and it wasn't a half ask attempt to change he knew what he did was fucked up and he knew that he was fucked up. And he tried to help people and he was going through shit like the rest of us do. When we think about these monsters it's easy to take away their humanity and make them these visual representation of evil. And I'm kind of in a werid situation cause my feelings for people like Bryce is that they don't deserve to live but I'm not the one who gets to decide that I'm not god. Should we try to help people like Bryce ? Or are he's actions unredeemable and he can't get a chance to be a better person like the rest us try to be ( not everyone but what ever) I really like to think that anyone can be saved and I'm not going lie I did feel sorry for Bryce the writing was really good but, not everyone is going to be like Bryce. Some people like hurting people and can't get those thoughts out of their head. So can we change or are our actions always going to define who we become in the future?

The Hedgehog Dilemma.

Decided to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion again for some reason. And I knew to watch this would put me in a bad mood. But it didn't, well it kind of accomplished that but it occurred to me that this the most beautiful piece of art that I have ever watched. The story of the human struggle and the loneliness we as individuals go through every day. I always thought that I was Ikari Shingi, a boy struggling to connect with the people around him, and having an asshole father like him made the connection even more sound. The hedgehog dilemma is a perfect example of the human condition, we as humans want to be connected, want to be happy. And the hedgehog is the same, they want warmth from the other hedgehogs but they can't because they will hurt each other, so they just stay far away from each other. No sane person would want to be lonely and experience pain over and over again. And at first, that's why I was on board Gendo and Seeles plan, to have humans become one entity, to have all our pain suffering taken away and to exist as a being with no individual characteristics just nothing. In theory, this is perfect we are all connected no more pain no more misery, just every human being connected by what every dream fantasy you want to live in. It's the same as the Moons Eye Plan, from Naruto to have no more suffering, just us living in our ideal world, where we having anything we want, my desires won't derail another person desires all our problems gone. At first, Shinji accepts the plan, because he has always been alone, he accepts himself and agrees to the plan, to have all humans together as one entity no more pain no more suffering. And in theory, that's what I wanted, for the pain to stop and not to feel alone but to be connected with everyone. It's a very depressing ending to NGE, some people find it beautiful and masterpiece because the character finally got what he wanted to be connected with everyone, but at what cost? At the cost of what makes us human? Many fans didn't like this conclusion I don't know why because the author can do what he thinks is the best ending. So The End of Evangelion was made, and I didn't like this ending because of Shinji decision to not go thought with the plan because he wants to be himself, not an endless supply of LZ but he wants to be himself, even though that him being himself, will bring pain and suffering into his life as to be alive is pain, he decided on hope, the hope of him being able to finally connect with another person. And that's something I think is the perfect ending to Shinji's arc he didn't run away like he always does but he decided to live his life and for another human to live their lives as individuals, cause all the world is just a perspective of the universe from our viewpoint we think things that are right in our heads but are dismissed in someone else head. Religion and race just to name a few. The final shot of the film is my favourite, we don't know if Shinji and Asuka hands will touch to show the connection Shinji has been looking for, but it's the hope that they will which makes this series beautiful.