still not over post wano, i cannot believe these two

i go to the job interview. there is a square table set out with a dish of assorted unwrapped candies, and an HR manager sitting on one chair facing the door. if i were a cis woman i would sit across from him, whereas if i was a cis man i would sit next to him. in either case i would take one piece of candy and slip it into my pocket for later. the HR manager rises to shake my hand. there are a million strategies to make a good impression on an interviewer with the correct handshake, but this isn't my first rodeo.

ignoring his hand, i plunge my hand into the bowl of candy and deftly grab a handful, then begin feeding the HR manager. initially he's agitated by my approach but i calm him down with my gentle demeanor. pretty soon he's eating candy straight out of my hand. good sign. when he sits down i brush off his lap with a handkerchief (shows respect for his clothes by not using a bare hand, shows concern for cleanliness and thorough nature to clean off his lap).

i sit directly on his lap, and he winces in pain from my weight. "easy there, big fella. i'm not gonna hurt you." i pat him on the head and reach into my pocket. i pull out a stick of wintergreen gum. the scent and flavor of the wintergreen calm his wild spirit and give me free rein to reach into the pocket of his trousers. "you won't be needing this anymore," i say, placing his wallet just beyond his arm's reach on the table. "that life is behind you."

carefully, i take his shoes. this is the hard part - even taking loafers off of an HR manager can startle them, make them bolt. but he trusts me. i put his shoes on my feet. they fit perfectly. i'm now ready to take his jacket and work badge and release him into the wild. he'll be disoriented at first, but within a few months, he'll rehabituate to the natural environment, maybe even find a mate and start a family. i'll be a valued employee at my new job by then.

don't worry about his clothes and wallet. he'll find new ones, they always do. nature provides for all creatures.

Almost There (princess and the frog) started playing on a fullmetal alchemist playlist and I about died giggling to myself

Almost as good as when Paparazzi (lady gaga) started playing on a Tim Drake playlist

Stakeout

scientists are calling me the first person to ever get a little sad sometimes

scientists are calling me the second person to ever get a little sad sometimes

update: the scientists are making us fight. one of them even said "duke it out" which doesnt seem very scientific to me. oh well

I reply that I prefer duchess but they don't seem to care. Another thing to be sad about I suppose. Truly a shame

scientists are calling me the first person to ever get a little sad sometimes

scientists are calling me the second person to ever get a little sad sometimes

Holmes could ask Watson to go grocery shopping with him and he'd be like yes, always, I'll follow you anywhere so long as you'd let me, I'm completely and utterly yours to use as you wish & Holmes is like Excellent thanks

Holmes is always being like hey can you do me a favor & Watson's like I'd suck you silly right here and now if you asked & Holmes is like cool this is about a case though

[ID: an excerpt from The Adventure of The Illustrious Client broken into two screenshots. They read:

won't! Now, Watson, I want you to do something for me."

"I am here to be used, Holmes."

"Well, then, spend the next twenty-four hours in an intensive study of Chinese pottery."

He gave no explanations and I asked for none. By long experience I had learned the wisdom of obedience. But when I". The text cuts off. /end ID]

If anyone thinks I'm joking

im like if a girl was {undefined variable}. im like if a girl was [fragment missing]. im like if a girl was (editor’s note: the author’s invocation of the word “girl” in this context is idiosyncratic, perhaps metaphorical) im like if a girl was im like if a girl draft deleted! im like if a girl You have reached your free article limit! Subscribe now to continue reading. im like if a girl was [THREAD LOCKED] im like if a girl (ENDING EXPLAINED!) im like if a girl Unusual activity detected, please highlight all the pictures of bicycles. im like if a girl I don’t respond to prompts that could be deemed offensive, and so I am unable to carry out the request. im-like-if-a-girldeactivated03092023. im like if a girl we are unable to take your call at the minute. im like if a girl isn’t registered under that name. im like if a girl could give you her date of birth. im like if a girl oh yes we have you under […]. im like if a girl LOST CONNECTION

If the "correct" movie is not listed, please add in tags

#Idk if this counts but #For a week straight my mom told me the story of Mark Twain's The Prince and The Pauper #Which. Should've been aye ok because its a comedy EXSEPT my ma in full unearned confidence made a tragic version #Where (abuse cw btw) the pauper was get beaten by his father and knew it was going to kill him one day. #So even though he knew that if he was caught pretending to be the prince and he'd get executed; he was willing to take that chance #And the prince saw the pauper when the pauper tried explained that the prince would not survive in his shoes; the prince did not listen #So the prince made the challenge that they'd switch places. Bragging at how quickly he'd solve all the pauper's little problems #And the prince made this challenge in full confidence that bc he knew all the secret passageways; he could come back home any time #And assured the pauper this. So they trade places.

#The pauper was an incredible prince. Polite. Well liked. Mysteriously bettered mannered. #When the towns people came; the pauper took care of their issues with compassion and wisdom never before presented in the prince #And the pauper waited every day for when the prince would come home. Wondering if he'd survive the switch #Meanwhile; the prince saw the struggles of the poor and the outcasts of the kingdom and soon understood the violence of the pauper's father #The prince tried to sneak in but couldn't get close to the castle before the guards would find him and turn him way #And eventually; the prince was beat to death and never came home #And so the longer the pauper waited; the more sure he became of the prince's fate

#What haunts me most about this version is how I asked my mom as a kid how nobody noticed #And my mother told me that they simply did not want to #That the servants who dressed them didn't pay attention to the pauper's starved frame. #And how nobody paid any mind to how differently the pauper ate or spoke or moved #And I asked her why nobody said anything. That the prince was spoiled and bratty. But he wasn't Evil #And she explained to me very simply; that the prince was not loved. And how the pauper was well liked #And how this fact would haunt the pauper for the rest of his days #As a wise king. In a kingdom and palace where he remains well liked. Wondering at where the prince's unmarked grave would be. #Like no offence to the list op but NOTHING there haunted me half as much as the stories my mom would tell me as a kid

(via @imdeadtiredtm)

In a blink there’s a mace in his hands and Merlin is stood before him, young confused and flinching away.

Arthur freezes, frowns, and then lowers the mace while giving Merlin a confused look. “Merlin,” he says slowly, a warning in his tone that an explanation better be imminent.

But the Merlin standing before him frowns, not least of all at the familiarity in Arthur’s tone but over the fact that Arthur is no longer trying to squash him like a bug with the mace he’s wielding. Arthur looks around. He takes a good long look around him and sighs.

This might be his own fault, but either way…

He grabs Merlin by the arm, ignores the way he starts to immediately squirm to get free and, ignoring everyone in the town around them, marches Merlin to the only place he knows is safe right now - Gaius’ chambers. Merlin complains the whole way but he does so in the same blithe manner he’d done before he knew Arthur and really had things to complain about (Arthur can be self-aware when the occasion calls for it).

Gaius rises when Arthur marches Merlin inside and offers a hesitant, “Sire?”

Arthur makes sure to shut the door before he finally lets go of Merlin. “I’m willing to accept this may partially have been my fault,” Arthur says, which is a very big concession and he’s annoyed that this is happening where - when? - no one is around to acknowledge it. “But Merlin, please tell me you can reverse this?”

“Reverse what?” He asks.

Arthur pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a moment to breathe. “This morning,” he says slowly, like he’s talking to an idiot (he is - at least right now), “I made the mistake of remarking that I wondered what my life would be like if I’d known about your magic from the beginning.”

Merlin makes a choked sound but Arthur isn’t done.

“And now I find myself at the beginning of our relationship. Care to explain?”

Merlin, Arthur could tell, did not.