taking a break

Huh, I always wondered to myself what making one of these posts would be like, what goes through a person’s mind, why they do it.

Guess now I know!

Hi guys gals and non-binary pals it’s me, Amemait, your third-favourite Internet cryptid!

And I’m here to tell you I’m taking a Break.

Not just from Tumblr. I’m taking a Break from the Internet. The uh. Welp, pretty much all of it, actually.

Why? Mental Health. It’s the worst and for me it’s the literal worst. I’m trying to repair myself and I would like to see if I can do it without the need to scroll tumblr/twitter/discord/skype/emails looking for something to help me feel something.

My mental health’s meant that I’ve been waking up in tears since November 2021 and it wasn’t great before that point. It wasn’t actually all that wonderful before the plague either. This month’s seen me go spiraling straight down into exceedingly regular panic attacks. I spent three hours crying on the phone to my mother on Sunday and I knew it was ridiculous and I also knew I couldn’t stop. I hate myself, so incredibly much, it’s breathtaking.

I’m taking the store-bought neurotransmitters, I’m seeing a talky-talk person, I’m drinking the clear splashy stuff, I’m trying to remember to eat, to get dressed, to feel something.

The Internet isn’t helping with any of that.

The Internet is this beautiful shiny thing that lets me hide from.... a lot of problems. A lot more problems than I’ve ever let on, especially here. I go out of my way to maintain a, if not entirely sfw/‘family-friendly’ blog then at least a blog that people can follow and not be hurt by viewing. I’ve made a few mistakes along the way on that level - reblogging misinfo without doing my research because welp, the queue-reblog button is fast on mobile, it’s a swipe of a finger, and doing my research before that point would only lead to me pausing in my mindless scrolling, looking to feel something. Lead to me actually having to think about something.

Anything.

Maintaining this kind of blog also means that I... well, I don’t say a lot of my personal life on here. A lot of that’s by design. Sure, I’ve reblogged for friends’ fundraisers and so forth but I’ve tried to keep my real self off the Tumblr. Probably a good thing; blurring the lines between brickspace and internet is never a good thing. I’ve learned that quite thoroughly and unfortunately I’ve learned it the hard way. It's been where I've failed to keep myself off the Tumblr and off the Internets that I've wound up hurting. A lot. In fact a great deal more than I will ever discuss with the Internet because frankly, I'm a dumbass.

I’ve deleted a lot of apps from my phone, and it’s been disturbing how frequently I’ve just picked up a phone by muscle memory and tried to open an app that’s just not there now. Disturbing, and, dare I say, freeing?

Do I recc this for everyone? Absolutely not. Like it or not there’s a lot of Internet in our daily lives. Some of us make our entire living from it. I’m lucky in that I don’t, and can therefore afford to take the steps back from it that I need to. I can afford to walk away from the things that I enjoy about the Internet, to give myself space to be a person who isn’t Terminally Online. And I know I’m Terminally Online, and I know that it’s nearly becoming a literal concept.

Do I recc taking a couple of steps back? Yeah maybe. It’s been about a week or so since I took tumblr off my phone and it’s been pretty good so far.

Do I miss it? The connection feeling? Oh yes.

There it is again.

Trying to feel something.

On to what this means for this blog!

First up, I have a Queue. It is a Long Queue. It is set to keep going and being a Queue. I will not be turning this off. I may reduce its posting frequency.

I might pop in, add some things to my favourites, and then leave. Every now and then.

I may even add some things to the reblog queue, every now and then.

What this means for my fic (for anybody reading it):

I’m attempting to maintain writing about 1k/week as a form of mental exercise. Fic may get weirder in the near future. That’s about as much interaction with the Internet as I feel I can handle for the foreseeable future. I will log in, post fic, and then hide like this is dialup days.

What this means for me:

Maybe I’ll get better and find myself in an emotionally-stable enough position to return to the Internet. I expect to find a landscape changed when I do.

What this means if I’ve commissioned something from you:

Please post it! Post it everywhere, your glorious glorious art!

What this means if you want to get in touch with me:

Oh man that’s a hard one. I’m going to say ‘don’t’. Even if we know each other super-well. Even if you’re my ex. Even if we used to talk every day. Even if you need me (trust me you don’t need me you’re fine without me... that sounds way worse than it is, but I’ll repeat: You’re fine without me. Promise. I also promise I’ll be fine). I solemnly promise that if anything actually happens that the Internet needs to know about, I’ll let the Internet know. I’m aiming at something approaching a clean and absolute break here because I can feel myself starting to panic just looking at this blog post as I type it. I can feel myself panic when I open certain apps. I needed to take an anti-panic pill and call my therapist just to look at emails yesterday. Emails!

Other notes:

Hey there, I’ve fucked up a couple of times like I said. Some of those ways I’ve fucked up, I’ve hurt people who weren't just me. I’m sorry. I’ve probably hurt way more people by hiding this level of mental struggle than I’ve wanted to, or by pretending it wasn't happening (unhealthy coping mechanisms, I've probably got way more than I realise). And there’s going to be a couple of people who’ll be hurt by me saying ‘please don’t contact me’ like I did just there. To those people: I’m sorry. In a couple of weeks or months or so I might be mentally able to send a line to let you know I’m okay, and in the meantime I’m sorry about the incommunicado bit.

I’ve lost the ability to can, and now I only can’t.

I'll be back, Internet. When I've got myself back.

Minor announcement, late November 2022: don’t take my current reblogging presence as a sign I’m back I’ve got a lot to work through still but my queue is at 1k posts and I am loving the Goncharov meme in all its unreality and I’m letting myself enjoy that. I can actually feel myself slipping into my previous bad habits - and that is in itself a good thing to be aware of but a bad thing to be doing. I’m literally just here for Gonch posting.