Art tips from webtoonist!
Some poetry that I decided to post on Instagram when I was struggling that I want to keep, so here you go tumblr world
I miss that truck so bad. There are so many things that I wish I had done differently, but I am glad that I got to experience Brad for the short time that I did.
y’all need therapy. not girlfriends
sorryiwasasleepagain
Or they need a girlfriend that doesn’t mind listening and trying to help them work through their shit and defeat their fucking demons without asking them to pour out their soul to a stranger who is only listening because it’s their job. That’s the kind of shit you do for the people you love.
idyll-ism
your partner is not your therapist. listening to your partner is one thing, but it is not their responsibility to help you work through your shit. that is on you.
one more time.
your partner is not your therapist.
batmanisagatewaydrug
also if I may hop onto this, I REALLY hate when people try to spin “therapists only listen because it’s their job” as a BAD thing. can you imagine if we tried to apply that to literally any other profession?
“why take your phone into the store to get it fixed? they don’t care about you, they’re only doing their job.”
“I don’t want to order a pizza. they’re not making it for me out of the goodness of their hearts, they’re only doing it because it’s their job.”
“why didn’t you just have your girlfriend do that surgery instead of going to a stranger who only saved your life because it’s their job?”
it’s their job because they are better equipped to do it than the other people in your life. jesus christ.
I’m a therapist. But I am not my girlfriend’s therapist.
With my girlfriend, I am free to be as partial, as irrational, as loving, as informal, and as irreverent as she and I like. And when we encounter an area of truly deep turmoil, I say–”I wish you’d talk to a professional about that.”
Because when I see clients as a therapist, the entire relationship is structured for them not to care about my wants or needs as a person, except for some very basic things: Meet a the time arranged, call if you can’t come, pay me, don’t physically assault me, don’t assume we’re friends outside of therapy. That isn’t because I don’t love my clients immensely; it’s like ensuring the sterility of an operating room. It’s a necessary basis for some of the work I do.
The self-contained nature of the therapy relationship gives them an environment that can handle the most radioactive of feelings. Inside my office, they can tell me about their rage and frustration with the people they love, and we can discuss whether that feeling is a rational, proportionate response; whether any good would come from sharing that feeling with the loved one in question; what the best way to strengthen that relationship is. And so a child enjoys life sheltered from the knowledge that their existence might cause their parent bitterness or pain; so a spouse supports my client in their healing from an abusive childhood, without having to talk them down from crisis every time they look a little too much physically like my client’s abusive parent.
I screw up in my friendships and romantic relationships when I am too much of a therapist. When I pursue areas of pain and hurt instead of letting someone feel happy and secure in my presence, when I don’t let anyone see my own needs and feelings and am therefore unreachable, when I respond to my loved ones’ concerns with logical analysis instead of acceptance and sympathy.
My therapy clients do not pay me to care, or to pretend to care. I’m a therapist because I already care. They just pay me so that I can feed and clothe myself while I devote my time to caring about them.
Yup yup yup
Its happening again
where tunblr just isnt posting the things I want as I post them. Wth man!?
Maybe if I post this little snippet of anger, suddenly they will appear like last time.
From here, I'm going to be spamming a bunch of things from my old instagram account that I am soon going to delete. There just isnt a need for me to have so many accounts to things that I will never use.
So here's more insight to me from a couple years... 😎
Thanksgiving 🦃🍁
It's my son's first. And there are already things I regret. I wish that we had stayed home, but I don't because me getting out & socializing felt good. I wish we had left earlier from the house, but I don't because I didn't want to eat & then leave. I always want to be polite, even though I know that there isnt much point.
I wish that I had done more, because your happiness is so damn important to me. But I know that there isnt really anything I can do with certain parts of it, and I know distance makes it even worse when real family is still around & we're just stuck, over here.
Thanksgiving should just be the reminder that we should be loving one another & simply being grateful for one another every day. But instead, I'll drop this here for anyone that needs it.
thejeffrose-deactivated20221219
I remember being 14, around a campfire, wishing I was anywhere else.
At 27, I long to be back around those campfires, playing my Uke & writing in my journal.
Sometime soon, I will return home to you my Flame Queen.
You'll probably think that this morning was because of lack of sleep. Sleep had nothing to do with it. 90% of our mornings, I take care of our son & feed him his bottle. Today, we are leaving to Keizer to give you a break since we don't have true support here for us. This time of year is hard for you, so getting sleep in while you can is important.
I wanted help. You are getting your break. The one you've continually yelled in my face that you need, reminding me how fucked up it is, how fucked up my family is, that my sisters get support and I don't. As if I need a reminder of the knife in my chest & the other in my back.
Youre right, I shouldnt have snapped at you about helping or being more awake. Its just frustrating that while I feed our son his bottle in the early mornings, you always have the opportunity to rest or actually catch a few more mins of sleep. It wouldn't bother me, if it was fair & I received the same treatment. 90% of the time, it's me. Me doing the work. Me keeping a lid on myself every morning as you snap at me over trivial things & remind me of my short comings. This morning, not rinsing the sink right away with left over baby food like I normally do, was enough to send you over the edge.
I also recognize that you wouldn't have given him the pureed food with chunks in it, after you said something to me this morning about it. I however, said to you multiple times last night that I was going to try and mix that with his all the way pureed food. We set up the fridge together, planning his next-day meals. I expressed to you what I was going to do and you agreed. A long the way this morning, you must have felt otherwise, but chose to say nothing.
It's not about the baby food though either. It's about constant lack of communication. Like you're too tired to bother, to even try. Already made up your mind that it's going to be an argument, or that I would ignore you and yell at you while doing what I want.
It breaks my heart that after all this time, that's the type of person that you see me as. That, that is what you expect, from me.
But do you not see the buttons being pressed?
I get up, get Kai. Make his bottle. I grab a diaper and a wipe. We change him. During the change, I mention that whenever Chris has stayed the night, Kai wakes up in the middle of the night. You completely ignored anything that I ACTUALLY said, replied that its all because of day light savings & shut down any further conversation about people staying over.
THE FIRST BUTTON WAS PUSHED.
Why?
Because I couldn't even have a conversation with you about how maybe we just dont let people stay the night because they stay up later than us, use the restroom, smoke, etc and that wakes up our child.
Next.
Not communicating and assuming we are going to argue if I dont get my way, and will do whatever I want anyways.
TWO BUTTONS WERE PUSHED AT THE SAME TIME.
Choosing to not communicate or give each other the benefit of the doubt (like our weekly goals state) is a large button.
Your perspective of me is the only one that truly matters since Im spending the rest of my life with you. But hearing such a low shitty childlike perspective you have of me, is not an easy thing to hear. Not only is a trigger to my trauma and the fact that my last abuser liked my innocence to feed his fetish, but it's pathetic that none of my efforts are being seen or good enough for you to outweigh the bad.
You know how calling me a child or implicating that I act like one & will always get my way is a trigger. I understsnd that anger is linked with immaturity, but that doesnt mean I'm young minded when I am angry, it means I am OFFENDED. Can't you see the difference?
How would YOU swallow that pill if it had been handed to you like that, after 4 buttons had been pressed?
I apologize for saying snarky things in response to all of that. But it is true that I am glad I am leaving today so that you can actually miss me. Appreciate what I do for you all the goddamn time. Recognize where you went wrong, too.
After that, I felt that electricity sparkle in my fingertips and the next thing I know I'm triggered and screaming, slamming doors, and we're in each others faces. You stabbing me directly in the heart a thousand times over by ALWAYS cutting at me the hardest and deepest you can.
At that point, recognizing that you're instilling so much pain in my heart and so much fear in my body that I am literally shaking, makes me lose control completely. I begin to question my decisions to be with you. I begin to doubt myself and my decisions, wondering if I should have listened to friends and family, hell even strangers and their warnings all along.
You've been causing this pain and scaring me this bad since we got together and I have always been here trying. Even when you straight up rejected me to my face. So that brings on another wave of panic.
Love shouldnt bring about these emotions, right? I go into my fear full-blown, realizing that everything I'm feeling right here, right now, is going to be our lives. We're going to keep coming back to this. We're going to have this same goddamn argument forever. Even if its over different things, it's ALWAYS going to feel like this. And at that point, I just dont want to do it anymore. I'm suffocating on my fear and I don't want to be around you and get angry that I've wasted so much of my time trying for someone who clearly didnt want me from the get go and STILL doesnt act like he wants me now.
My reactions and me flipping out like this, means that my body and my psyche are at its wits end and I literally do not know how to handle this, or handle you, any longer.
Nov 6th, 2018
There are too many words right now to explain how I feel. When my own words are against me and fail, I'll just leave it to them to say it for me.
It's been a while since I've posted, so I thought I would again. I guess it only makes sense to post something baby related since that's where all my attention & time has been.
Being a parent is really hard, but not for the reasons you would immediately assume. Like lack of sleep. Very real, very true. But what's worse is realizing the amount of control you have when it comes to others-- Zero. But I can control other situations surrounding it.
I can't control that my step-mom tries to constantly feed him real big kid food with spices that makes him sick. So I then, don't leave Kai out of my sight for meal time.
I can't control that when our friend stays the night that he ALWAYS wakes up the baby whenever he uses the restroom 2-3x a night. But I can control whether or not he stays the night. Which he or anyone else wont be anymore.
I'm too tired of losing sleep, too tired of trying to protect my son's sleep, routine... everything. Because our friend stayed 2 nights in a row, we lost the wake up time at 5:30/6:30 & now back again to 4am.
The lack of control as a parent over everything might be the hardest part for me, as of right now.