me, mentally flipping through the various daydream universes i’ve crafted up like records in a crate: hmm, which fantasy shall i indulge in tonight?

Does anyone else do that thing while reading where your eyes are like 3 lines ahead of where your brain is?

Do you mean skipping to the next paragraph and not being able to stop yourself from reading a few lines but then you have to go back to where you were before and try really hard to read in a linear fashion but it's boring now that you know what happens next? Yes

oh you are me. 

If a woman has a heartbeat you can’t tell her what to do with her goddamn body!

you: hey

me: *turns around and accidentally hits you with my comically long plague doctor mask* what

every time the camera turns to me, my plague doctor mask has gotten longer

keep your eyes peeled

never stop collecting little things that make you happy! rocks! buttons! feathers! flowers! sticks! bugs! bones! never stop!

how did a crow get a tumblr

with his fuckin email and a password how’d u get here

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that weren’t even all that funny until I was an adult, and now they’re fucking hilarious. I’m not even talking about the dirty jokes. I’m talking about in Finding Nemo where the sharks are having fucking AA for fish eating. Remember that shit? “I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.” Who ever thought of that? That was brilliant. Or what about that time in Shrek 2 where Shrek and Donkey infiltrate the castle pretending to be union workers? Little me didn’t give a shit about unions but big me is remembering Shrek going “It’s okay buddy, we’re from the union” and the desk worker secretively “we don’t even have dental,” and Shrek just shakes his head and looks at Donkey like he can’t believe this shit and goes, “They don’t even have dental.” What the fuck. I’m dying of laughter. Who comes up with this shit.

This is gonna sound fucked up but i love tight grapes. You know what I mean when the grape is nice and tight and ur incisors pierce thru them like needles popping a balloon

i hate making tea cuz i feel bad for throwing out the teabag. i’m always like i should eat this

#your otp could never

what’s that shit in your blood? homo goblin?

You're telling me, a chicken fried this rice

when people tell me to go outside when im depressed