Iron lungs and thunder thighs

my god you are so cute, but i can't love you like you'd hope. my teeth aren’t straight and my words aren’t charming; like the way you laugh so silently. i wish you’d laugh with me, told me all your stories. i know i’m awful, but i’m sick of being lonely

Why we Need to Stop Saying, “I’m Sorry For Your Loss.” Via Ed Preston on Apr 2, 2017 40,396 Shares get elephant's newsletter There were about 150 people at my father’s memorial service. Standing in the receiving line afterward it seemed like every conversation, whether it was with an old friend or a total stranger, began with the exact same phrase, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Most conversations didn’t go far beyond that, partly because there’s not much to say in response except, “thank you.” A few people managed to mix in another platitude like, “He’s in a better place now” or, “At least his suffering is over,” but it all started to sound like a broken record pretty quickly; one that I had heard many times before, seen played out in movies and even unknowingly participated in myself. Now it was being played for me at one of the most painful moments of my life, and the hollowness of that experience would literally change my course forever. Why do so many of us struggle with what to say to someone who is grieving? Perhaps it’s because of our cultural death phobia, and the way it pathologizes everything related to sadness. If we’re not better at dealing with grief, then it’s because we’ve never been taught better. Unfortunately, that leaves the majority of people with only one stock phrase in their repertoire, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Grieving Needs More than Clichés. One problem is simply the overwhelming use of this one phrase, while simultaneously reserving it almost exclusively for the family. It seems as the close friends aren’t really grieving at all, while family members get the idea of loss hammered into them over and over. Saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” is a bit like the cashier saying, “Have a nice day,” at the convenience store. It betrays a lack of original thought and is so pervasive it has become irritating for many. When responses are this programmed, how sincere is the sentiment? As more people start to become irritated by it, choosing this particular phrase because it feels “safe” isn’t really that safe anymore. Clarity Works. Euphemisms Don’t. Using the language of loss as a euphemism for death is one of many ways in which our culture conceals the reality of death, perpetuates our phobias about it, and keeps us trapped. Spoken by a griever, “I lost my mother in 2015” is being used to avoid saying the word “died.” Spoken to a griever it expresses pity combined with distancing, “I’m sorry for your loss.” The problem is that it’s linguistically incorrect. The verb “to lose” is active, something we do. The reality of grief is that someone else died. You didn’t lose them in the same way you would lose your car keys or your wallet, and depending on your religious convictions you may not feel like you lost them at all. For most of my life, I definitely thought of deceased loved ones as lost because I was well trained by the culture to do so. Visiting a Native American friend one day I said something about losing someone and my friend responded, “You don’t have to lose someone just because they died.” That was the first time I was exposed to the idea that it’s possible to live in the presence of the dead, not as frightening ghosts, but as honored members of the clan. These days I’ve become accustomed to drawing comfort from the idea that I’m living in the presence of departed loved ones. Actually, speaking to them in quiet moments when I’m alone is one of several key components—like meditation, being in nature or remembering special occasions—I use to process my grief whenever it shows up. Whether one wishes to think about that in terms of psychology or in terms of the spiritual language, it seems completely irrelevant. All I know is that I find it helpful. It’s the Wrong Mental Programming. Experts in the field of grief care (Stephen Jenkinson, for example) are starting to recommend using the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead. The language of loss refutes the notion that there might be an upside to grief, a spiritual deepening that can result from being exposed to something that’s an inevitable consequence of being born and choosing to love each other. By shifting to the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead, death and grieving can once again become the redemptive processes I’ve come to believe they were always meant to be. After personally experiencing the old cliché and its real world application thousands of times over several decades, I remember quite vividly the first time someone said, “I’m sorry for your suffering. I’m here with you.” How different those words felt! I immediately knew the stranger sitting next to me on a park bench somehow understood something that had been missed by all the close friends and family who had been sorry for my loss, but not present with my suffering. Firstly, she knew I was suffering, and her use of the word “sorry” came across as authentic compassion rather than pity. Second, there was no distancing or avoidance in the way she said it. She knew what I needed most: validation of my grief and someone willing to listen, even if that meant listening through some tears. Best of all there was no judgment. The Challenges Ahead. Significant numbers of people are starting to open up about their dissatisfaction with this worn out cliché. Others seem almost determined to defend it as the ultimate expression of sympathy. What the defenders don’t seem to understand is that no one will ever be offended or hurt by not saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.” For those wanting to improve their grief communication by eliminating clichés with more accurate, helpful, and authentic responses, but still aren’t sure what to say, here are a few other choices in no particular order. These are just a few of the many options available, and they can be combined in various ways to make them both personal and appropriate. 1. I’m sorry you’re suffering right now, but I’m here with you and willing to help any way I can. Is there anything you need right now? 2. I’m sorry for whatever challenges might lie ahead for you, but I’m here and willing to help. Would it be okay if I call next week just to check in with you? 3. Please accept my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, but I know enough about grief to know that it can be very challenging. Don’t hesitate to call me if there’s anything I can do to help. 4. I’m so sorry to hear about _____. I’m sure you’re going to miss him/her terribly. How are you holding up? 5. I know there’s nothing I can say right now to make things better, but I also know that having someone to talk to at times like this is really important, so don’t hesitate to call me whenever you need to. Follow any of those with what you loved most about the deceased or tell a story about a favorite memory of them, and I think most people will be pleased with the deep level of connection that’s instantly created. I’m absolutely certain the bereft will feel less isolated and better supported. One reason is that the phrases above easily open into longer conversations, while “I’m sorry for your loss” tends to shut them down. In some cases, it’s even appropriate to simply remain silent and offer them a deeply heartfelt hug instead. Most important of all is just being willing to listen and be present

To the girls who will love him after me: Be kind. Be gentle. Be all you can be. But most of all be smart. Behind those utterly beautiful sea green eyes, lays the man he doesn't want you to see just yet. He'll put on a front and charm you up to make you believe he's ideal for you. That he is your prince charming. And you'll believe it baby girl. You'll believe he would bring you the moon if you asked. And for awhile he'll do everything you want and more and you'll be in love more than you ever have been in love before. Those wonderful roughed up callused hands you'll constantly want to hold and touch will bring you a type of feeling you'll constantly crave and desire. They'll spark so many feelings and so many pleasures; baby girl you'll be in awe at what just his hands can do for you. But they also hide a deeper secret. They hide the touch of another woman that he himself craves in silent. A touch he'll dream of but never speak of. You'll figure that out on your own. And those arms of his. Those strong, yet loving arms of his will learn to feel like home when they are wrapped around you so tightly you'll feel like nothing can ever hurt you. But sweetheart please be wary of those the most because those arms are reaching out for someone else, and that someone else will not be you. It will never be you. Please note he loves soccer. and tigers. And that his whole bedroom was once painted orange and covered in those ferocious animals. His perfect smile will melt your heart the very second it appears across his face. He loves deeply and hard. He's the most sensitive boy you'll ever meet. He loves adrenaline. He hates being called a liar, but loves to be teased. He finds laughter in the worse of situations. He loves jokes. Especially shitty puns. But babygirl I'm warning you, he will make you out to be the biggest joke of all. Kenzie

I’m Sorry I Was Being So Crazy While You Were Treating Me Like Shit Thoughts -  Apr 3, 2017  By: Jasmine Pierce  CrazySorryShit Let me just start this by saying I am so sorry I have been acting so crazy lately; I don’t know what’s gotten into me. At first, I thought maybe it was because you have been treating me like shit all the time, but then I thought “No way! It’s gotta be me.” And I am so, so sorry for ever assuming otherwise.   It’s probably because I’m just a crazy girl with a crazy hormonal brain that processes information and reacts to it. Like remember that time when I asked you not to make comments about my body being “lumpy” and then you did and I got super upset? That was so out of line of me to have a feeling and I should have a thicker skin. I was out of line and I really hope you’re able to forgive me for that.   And I should apologize for the time I really went off after I saw you hitting on those girls, you know, the one you were exchanging numbers with when I walked into the bar? No, not that girl, the othergirl. You know, the one who looked like me but prettier? How insane was I to be upset by you accidentally blatantly disrespecting me in front of my face? Obviously you weren’t doing anything wrong on purpose! Silly me, what a loon! I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t locked me up on a funny farm yet the way I fly off the handle!   I have to reiterate that I am really sorry.

APRIL 15, 2017 Don’t Settle For Someone Who Already Left You Once Before Please, please have some self respect. Do not go back to the person who ran from your beautiful love. Do not go back to the person who left your heart run over on the worn down pavement. Do not go back to the person who never lived up to their promises. You deserve someone who would never ever dream of running from you. Who would never even think of doing that to you. Of causing you so much pain and suffering. You deserve someone who would never want to tear your heart apart. I get it. It’s easy to do when the one you loved is begging for you back. It’s easy to trust when you shouldn’t trust. And it’s easy to love, when you shouldn’t love. But listen, when they beg for you back and are staring up at you saying everything that you have always wanted to hear from them, please, don’t believe them. They already showed you who they were when they left you. They already showed you their true colors when they turned away. They already showed you that they don’t deserve you, when they said goodbye. Don’t be a fool. I know you desperately want to be loved just like we all do. I know you want so desperately to be adored and to be taken care of, like we all do. But the person that left you before is going to leave again. The person that already left you, won’t ever be the one to permanently stay. So don’t chase after them when they call you back. Don’t fill their loneliness up. Don’t fill your sadness up with their black heart. Don’t you dare settle for their half-hearted love that will only break you again and again. Build yourself back up on your own. Run the other direction when they show up at your front door. Run and never look back. Just like they did with you. You are lovable, even if you don’t believe it yet. You are worthy of big love, even if you can’t comprehend it yet. And you deserve to be adored in every way possible. You deserve a love that never questions you. And you deserve a love that never ever would want to harm you. So don’t give them the benefit of a doubt. Don’t forget what this person did to you. Don’t ever forget how they ripped up your heart. You deserve so much more than someone who had the audacity to leave. You deserve so much more than someone who had the audacity to break you, and show up once again. Please don’t go back to that false hope. Please don’t go back to the lies and the broken promises and the tears. Don’t go back to the maybes and the questions marks and the fear. Don’t go back to the games. You deserve so much better. And you know what? I think you already know that. By Jackman Tater You Can Forgive Someone, But That Doesn’t Mean They Need To Stay In Your Life. By Aleanbh Ní Chearnaigh The Problem Isn’t That He Loves You Less, It’s That You Expect Him To Love You The Same Way You Love Him

http://earthables.com/beach-changes-your-brain/ Science reveals how a visit to the beach actually changes your brain. You've probably noticed how spending a day at the water can make you feel more relaxed, rested and re-energized. That feeling is not all in your head, scientists say when we spend time by the water, our brain actually changes. Our minds are sent into a restful almost hypnotic space thanks to the soothing smells and sounds of the water. Researchers refer to this as "blue space." Here's what a visit at the beach, or really a trip to the lake or any other body of water, can do: Boosts creativity Being in a blue space makes you more creative, because 
it allows your brain to become relaxed, so you are more likely to drift off and imagine than you would be when thrust in the middle of the often chaotic day-to-day world. Stress melts away If you put your toes in the water, or go for a swim, that water is filled with naturally occurring positive ions that are known to help relieve stress and boost your mood. Some scientists believe that the positive ions given off by the many appliances we use on a regular basis can leave us feeling angry, cranky, and overworked. Naturally occurring negative ions counteract all of this. It reduces depression The sounds of the waves can put you into a meditative state which has been associated with reduced depression and better mental clarity. Your perspective is changed for the better Being in a place surrounded by beautiful scenery, the sounds of the water and simply the presence of nature is incredibly soothing to the soul. It reminds us that there are things bigger on this planet than a traffic jam or a snarky co-worker.

MARCH 24, 2017 She Forced Me To Cheat On Her, I Didn’t Want To Do It

It was a relationship full of love and concern, it just couldn’t have been better. I obviously wouldn’t take the credit for all the lovely moments I shared with her. She was funny, crazy, beautiful, emotional, caring, sexy, and cute. Every adjective a guy would want to use for his girlfriend, I can use it for her. But still I cheated on her. Despite her being the best girl I have ever known or will ever know, I cheated on her. She deserved it and this is exactly why this happened. She was not a fan but would watch cricket with me and would get more “excited” than ever if India took a wicket. If you don’t like something why would do you do it? Why are girls like her so pretentious? Did I ever sit with her and cry while watching Grey’s Anatomy? No! I don’t have to like something just because she liked it, but she did it. She accepted all my likes and started enjoying them with me. “Everything is fun with you and we get to spend time together this way.” Girls do it all the time, but us? We boys like to keep it real than fake it, right? “She is a spy,” I often thought to myself. She would understand me before I uttered a word. She had those hidden cameras placed in my house, how else would she get to know just by a “Hi, how are you?” on the phone that I was sad and had not eaten anything. Her misconception that she was the book of solutions and had one for every situation in my life, nobody could really take it away from her. I never acknowledged it, but she genuinely had the powers to solve my problems. We don’t tell the girls this, we don’t appreciate the efforts, obviously otherwise they think they can rule our lives, who wants that? Girls like her get dumped because guys like me know that they aren’t going anywhere. It had been four years since we had been dating and still every anniversary, every birthday, every celebration would excite her just like the first one. She would waste her money and would make me waste mine. Very conveniently she would say, “No, baby I don’t want anything we will go out on a nice dinner.” But I knew for sure she was expecting something, obviously because she had planned so much. Can’t you girls just stop with the enthu-cutlet behaviour EVER? She would know what colours look good on me, how I should ideally brush my hair, she would check girls out for me, she would wait for me for hours if I was running late from work, she would do things no one has ever done for me. She would quickly transform into my best friend, my mother, my lover, my guide whenever I needed her. Yes, all of that is sweet but did I ask for it? No! Why then am I supposed to acknowledge that? Why all my friends kept pointing this out the moment I cheated on her? Yes, I got physically involved with a girl for a night. I did love my girl a lot, A LOT. But somehow despite all the emotions I shared with her when that night S* approached me I couldn’t resist it. It was way more exciting, she couldn’t predict my actions like my girlfriend could, the entire episode was very thrilling. I was sort of bored with the routine that couples like us create for ourselves. In all honesty, even between the kissing (we did not have sex, I just couldn’t actually) if anyone asked me would you leave your girlfriend for this woman, I would have said no. Boys always want to get married to one type of a girl and date the other. I know we are a**holes and not many agree to it. I confessed and she was shattered, but her questions pissed me off more. “Is she more pretty? Does she love you more than I do? What was my fault? What did I do wrong? Did I not love you enough?” To all the girls madly in love and have ever been dumped- YES, it is your fault that guys like me cheat on girls like you! You often fall for your better half in a way that you stop loving your own self. You don’t value your efforts, how do you expect us to do it? You were there when he was sick, you were there to share all his victories and boast about them to the world, you were there by his defeats to make him smile, you loved his family more than he did, you would spend hours with his stupid friends so that he doesn’t feel divided and he can spend time with everybody, you were there for more than he could ever be there for his own self. Where are you in all this? You should never lose yourself to someone so easily. Had you valued yourself even 20 percent, he wouldn’t have done that to you?. You make people respect you, this is true for everybody in relationships as well. And my dear fellow male cheaters, I hope you have realized by now that our stupid actions make us lose out on the most special people in our lives. Girls like these are one to be treasured. I lost my girl just because I was bored of the routine life. It was so totally not worth it. I had found love and I let it slide away right in front of me. I miss her every now and then and keep thinking to myself why couldn’t I control myself that night. I loved her, I still do. Value love and value the person who loves you, who waits for you, who stays awake for you, who does things that bring a smile to your face but don’t value them. Instead, you define these acts as stupid in front of your friends. It is rare to find girls who love you unconditionally, I found one, I let her go. My friend found one, he let her go. Just remember she is good, she has a nice heart, she will find a guy one day, but you might never get one of her again.

The signs as types of boyfriends Aries: the exciting kind, always has something planned for you two, you become a big part of his life Taurus: the caring kind, never wants to see you hurt, shows up on your doorstep with flowers Gemini: the fun kind, loves to bicker, it’s one of his ways of showing affection Cancer: the sensitive kind, remembers small things about you, makes sure you feel wanted at all times Leo: the over-the-top kind, loves big displays of affection, falls in love too easily Virgo: the secure kind, offers you stability, is often proud of you and loves to make you laugh Libra: a hopeless romantic, loves to talk and learn things about you, wants to understand how you work Scorpio: the intense kind, makes you feel safe, wants to be their best self around you Sagittarius: the expressive kind, wants to do everything with you, can get really jealous Capricorn: the supportive kind, makes you feel special, would do anything to make the relationship work Aquarius: the best friend, knows everything about you, doesn’t expect too much Pisces: the romantic kind, you may catch them staring at you, wants to share everything, including their feelings, with you

Why Men Withdraw Emotionally.

In a relationship, having your partner withdraw at an emotional level can bring confusion, pain and frustration. Women who relate to men that do this are often bewildered by why and how this happens. Speaking as a man, and one who considers himself sensitive and emotionally available, there are particular situations and scenarios that cause me to withdraw. And I imagine that other men, regardless of how in-tune they are with their emotional nature, would respond in similar ways. Just because a man withdraws does not mean he is withdrawing from you. First, I just wanted to express that when a man seeks solace or withdraws from a conversation, it probably has nothing to do with the beloved. It has more to do with the emotional intensity and confusion around emotions than with any particular person. It just takes men more time to integrate and understand the watery realm of emotions. And understanding emotions isn’t something that happens for us spontaneously in the midst of a heated discussion. We need space and time to figure out what is happening, both within our own self and with our beloved. Men have been discouraged from feeling emotional. We have been mocked, attacked, and belittled when showing emotions. Big boys don’t cry, toughen up, and bite the bullet are all phrases men grow up with. So when we are faced with emotional situations, we are total novices. The biggest harm that is not recognized or appreciated for the depth of damage that it causes at the emotional level to a man is that men are expected to be tough, to protect, and kill to defend their family. Violence, and the expectation of violence, mandates an absence of emotional sensitivity. It is a double standard to expect a man to be emotionally available and to have him be able to harm another human being. Have compassion and understand the kind of conundrum that a man faces when being emotional vulnerable and awakening to deeper sensitivities. It is rare enough to find a man who wants to delve within and unleash his inner passion. It doesn’t mean that he is going to be masterful at it. For men to be comfortable in their own skin and accept their feeling nature takes a growth curve. A woman has a lifetime of experience navigating the oceanic tides of emotional states. Women grow up with emotional states and are accepted as sensitive, feeling beings. She is able to observe, feel, recognize and better communicate her feelings than a man. Women are also adept at observing and recognizing the emotional states in other people. And when a woman finds a man who loves her, at some level, she feels a great deal of hope because she has found an emotional match, somebody who understands those hidden tides and influences. Women will share all their heart and feelings, and not understand how this can impact a man. And when a man doesn’t respond as she needs, the feelings of being hurt or misunderstood arise. How those feelings are expressed matter a great deal. The best men want an intimate connection with women, and often don’t know how to do that. Men don’t fall short in the emotional realm because we are emotionally immature. We are emotionally inexperienced. Men face expectations and pressure about emotions that are confusing and contradictory. And when we find a woman who loves us and we love in return, it brings to life a living fire that had been suppressed for a lifetime. Yet fires burn, and the burgeoning sensitivities is akin to a child learning to walk. We fall down, we make blunders, and we are blind as to how to listen and communicate our emotions. Men experience a learning curve when awakening to their deepest sensitivities. And just as any beginner, they make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are colossal, and sometimes laughable. Men need an emotional example, how to be live with and operate with emotions in a healthy way. We also need to be accepted as we are, beginners with beautiful intention. To demand for a man to have the mastery over their emotions is an outrageous expectation. For most men, mastery over emotions means suppressing them, hiding feelings behind a mask of stoicism, or just turning off the emotions entirely. It takes time to even identify the subtle emotions, let alone to know how they function and their influence on our own self and those around us. Any teacher knows that mocking a beginner or putting them down, criticizing them or their approach, will stunt the learning curve, if not completely stopping it. The beloved woman becomes that guide into the mysterious realms of feeling emotions. When she expresses anger, puts down her man, belittles or mocks him, a man feels attacked. When she demands him to be sensitive, a man feels not good enough. And when a man faces a womans wrath he will respond in the ways he has been taught to feel emotions since early childhood ; with anger. Anger is one of the few emotions accepted in men because it is a necessary emotion to be a soldier-killer. Anger is a natural defensive response for men. And once we become angry with our beloved, there is a host of problems that arise afterwards. Guilt, shame, inadequacy, failure, and fear. These siblings to anger are inevitable when fury shows its face, especially when we know that our loved one has been hurt as a result of our anger. The words spoken in anger harm the recipient and the speaker. It takes time for a man to feel comfortable feeling emotions. After all, such a man is challenging the tenets and pressure of an entire society and its deeply ingrained training. A man’s natural response when hurt or confused is to withdraw. Almost everybody knows about the masculine need to retreat to the cave. And whether this is physical space, or mental space, or even silence, the cave is an essential healing tool for the manly mind. The cave allows integration of the experience, introspection to see what is happening within, and understanding to know how to better respond in the future. Women set the example and emotional tone that allows their partner to feel safe. When a man faces a woman who is emotionally stable, it allows him to understand his own emotions. The depth of understanding that the woman has with herself and her own emotional nature will give him the security to express and unveil his own strengths. The woman who is emotionally secure brings a presence of emotional security to the relationship. A well meaning man will appreciate this and do his best, and grow faster and reveal the depths of his spirit with increasing strength and confidence. Granted, the ideal is that a man can figure out his emotional state and come into his own emotional maturity through his own self-generated willpower. Yet the reality is that teachers, guides and mentors accelerate this process and help a person navigate the confusing and mysterious realms of emotions. There are a great many pitfalls and bewildering mirages when it comes to the shifting sands of sensitivities. And as man learns his emotional state, he is also facing the additional challenges from his friends, family, and world that challenges that awakening at every step. The woman who is insecure with her own emotions will see a man who withdraws as a threat and denigrate him and go on the attack. This is the antithesis of supportive behavior. She may not realize that he is a man who is brave beyond measure to face his own soul and bare his spirit with vulnerable trust. When a man doesn’t respond as she needs and demands at the emotional level, lashing out will only cause harm. Gentle understanding and compassionate acceptance brings healing and deepens the relationship. One of the best qualities women have is the ability to nurture. Nurturing is not aggressive. And with a man, directing aggression at him will generate an aggressive response. He will either fight or run. The flight or fight response is deeply ingrained into every human being. In essence, attacking a man who is opening his heart will trigger a survival level instinct. Once that survival level power fully awakens in relationship, the dynamics in the relationship changes and may never come back to equilibrium. Nurturing is not forceful, instead it is accepting and allows for a natural growth curve. Be patient. Just as a tree takes time to come into its fullness and blossom, a man who is learning to embrace his deeper truths will need time to fully ripen into his potential. Appreciate the men who take the time to stand up against society to discover, feel, live and unleash their sensitive side. It takes a lion’s heart full of courage to face down societal expectations and programmed beliefs. Give him gratitude, honor his spirit, thank him for being available with his sensitivity in ANY way that he is able. Such a person is one of a kind, a warrior in the truest meaning of the word.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/11/we-only-fall-in-love-with-3-people-in-our-lifetime-each-one-for-a-specific-reasons

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” ~ Unknown It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason. ~ *Dear elephant reader: if you're single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful. ~ Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be. Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel. It’s a love that looks right. The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. It’s the love that we wished was right. And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it. This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are. We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core. It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true. This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer. It’s the love that just feels right. Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is. Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years. Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us. And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all. Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are. But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones. They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love. But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not. Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now. What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love. The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after. And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third. The one we never see coming. The one that actually lasts. The one that shows us why it never worked out before. And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love. “You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown

Relationships Don’t Stop Working; We Do.

Every relationship hits a point where it feels like it’s not working anymore I don’t just mean that failed relationships hit this point. No, I’m saying all relationships hit this point, even the good ones. I think one of the worst lies we tell ourselves is, “It’s not supposed to feel this way.” Whenever I hear this I have to wonder what people are expecting it should feel like. Are they expecting that relationships should always go smoothly? That partners will always feel connected? That there will always be a spark? All the time? Well, I’m excited to break it to anyone who believes those things: Sometimes really good relationships feel like crap. I want to make a disclaimer that I’m talking about the kind of relationships where there is a connection and a desire to be together. I’m not talking about people who have never been that into each other, or relationships where someone is being abused. I’m talking about good relationships that seem to have stopped working. I think we all too often quit those relationships before we get the prize because we don’t understand that it’s okay that they don’t feel good all the time. We are humans. Our relationships, just like the rest of our lives, are prone to hit challenges and slumps. And just like the rest of our lives, there’s always a way to work through it. We can start by not giving up, followed by letting it be okay that everything isn’t perfect. It’s important that we don’t make it mean a lot of really damning things whenever our relationship doesn’t measure up to our expectations of what it’s supposed to feel like. The truth is, there is no particular way relationships are supposed to feel. It’s not as though they are any more magical or perfect than the rest of our lives, but we tend to look at relationships through a metaphysical lens even if we don’t see the rest of life that way. Even if we’re not particularly deterministic, we begin to believe in fate when we fall in love. We think in terms of “meant to be” or “not meant to be” and we forget, almost entirely, that our lives are governed by cause and effect. The reality is that when it comes to relationship troubles, the way it feels is always a direct result of the way we engage with each other. It’s a direct result of how kind or unkind we are, how courageous or cowardly we are, how honest or dishonest we are. It’s a direct result of how our conditioning and patterns are playing out. Whether a relationship works out is not the result of some divine decision decreeing whether it’s “meant to be”. No, relationships are not predestined and that’s because the way we engage with each other is not predestined. The way we engage with each other is up to us. So, that thing that happens after the honeymoon period where we lose the spark? I know it’s tempting to decide that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, after all. But it’s actually much more simple than fate. The reason this happens so often in relationships is because we all have fear, beliefs and conditioning that eventually build up and make us start behaving differently toward each other. It hurts on both sides and it gets in the way of our pure love. So what do we do when we hit that spot where we’ve gotten stuck in every relationship but never yet made it through? The easy answer is that we do something different than what we’ve done in the past. Many people believe that things will feel right with the right person, and if things aren’t feeling right, we must not be with the right person. This leads to an unfortunate cycle where we bail out and look for something new whenever things start feeling really stuck. I think the way it actually works is that even with a great person who has the potential to be a great match for us, things can feel awful when we’re stuck in toxic patterns with them. What we really need to do is get free of those patterns, not leave our partner and find someone new to start the patterns with all over again. Instead of assuming everything will click into place when we finally meet the right person, perhaps we should assume instead that the right person will only have the chance to click into our lives perfectly once we break free of the patterns we play into. Really, the best thing to do here is to talk with our partner, and perhaps a professional coach or therapist, about what we’re feeling and both decide on some new approaches to try that might disrupt the patterns. Perhaps the relationship will take a turn for the better, or perhaps it’ll become clear that it’s not a good fit. What’s most important is realizing that it’s “not working out” is often a way to avoid facing the truth that “our patterns are sabotaging our relationship.” Because if that’s why we end up giving up on someone we love, it’s pretty much guaranteed that the same patterns will sabotage our next relationship, and the next, and so on, until we finally face that part of ourselves and penetrate all the way through it. I find that the couples who have the most resilient relationships are are those who are able to be honest with each other about their doubts every step of the way but still keep an optimistic perspective on their ability to overcome challenges together. When their motivation is overcoming their challenges rather than avoiding discomfort, they’re far more likely to find the way through.

25 signs he's really into you.

It's a question that many of us struggle with in our relationships, so if you're going through it, you're not alone: How do you know how he really feels? Even if things are going great between you and your man, you might have this question in the back of your mind, eating away at you when you should be busy enjoying yourself. Luckily, there's tons of signs to look out for when you're trying to figure out how he feels -- you just have to know where to look. Below are 25 things to look out for in your relationship, especially if you're wondering what his real intentions are. Not every sign will apply to every relationship, but there are plenty of helpful things to look for if you're unsure. #1. Making Plans If he makes a lot of plans with you, long-term or otherwise, he's committed. #2. Respects You If he treats you as his equal and doesn't treat you like a slave, odds are he really cares about you. #3. Keeps Watch He's not clingy, but he's always checking on you to see how you're doing. #4. He Doesn't Brag If he doesn't constantly bring up all the nice stuff he does for you, that means he is doing it selflessly. #5. Honesty If he cares about you, he'll never hide things from you or lie. #6. Selflessness Men who care about their partners try their hardest not to be selfish. #7. Fighting Clean If he "fights" or argues rationally then he might be a keeper. #8. Interested In You If your man loves you, he’d always be eager to know everything about your day, even the small details. #9. Protective Men who care about their partners try to keep them out of harms way. #10. Protective Men who care about their partners try to keep them out of harms way. #11. Agrees...But Not Too Much It's great if a guy agrees with you a lot, but just make sure it's not too much: If he's a yes-man, he might not actually be sincere. #12. Hand-Holding Men who are confident in their relationships have no problem reassuring their ladies that they are. #13. Considers Your Plans. No matter how much an event means to him, he will always ask you first about it, and never assume you're free. #14. He Gets (A Little Bit) Jealous He'll do his best to hide it, but if you're talking to other guys, you'll notice him noticing. #15. He Invests In You It's simple, but says a lot: If he gives you the time of day, he's interested in you. #16. Always True To Himself Does he behave a bit different when you are around, or is he 100% the same when you’re not? If it's the latter, he cares about you deeply. #17. Doesn’t Use His Phone Around You Yet another small sign of positive interest in you. #18. He Finds Similar Interests With You He wants to find things that you guys can do together, so he asks you what you actually like. #19. Big Smiles If a guy’s smiling this doesn’t necessarily mean he likes you, but, if you guys seem to smile whenever you look at each other, he may have fallen head over heels. #20. Tries To Impress You All the Time Because your opinion is the most important opinion to him. #21. Good Memory A guy who is into you will remember the things you say, because he's really listening when you say them. #22. Splits Work Evenly The right kind of guy won't assume you'll always make him dinner: He'll love it when you do, and he'll do it for you too. #23. The "We" Word He'll say "we" when he's talking, instead of "I" or "me." #24. Pet Names If he's given you a sweet nickname, that might mean he's got strong feelings for you. #25. He Just Says It And finally, and perhaps more importantly: If a guy loves you, then he'll have no problem just coming out and saying it.

I'm sad and I love you

And you won't be in love with me when we're twenty and I still have your pack of cigarettes you left in my jacket pocket just in case I needed something to get my mind off of what I'm going through but now you're gone and so is that pack.