Trying to Spice Up Your Dash...

This picture i took of hector while i was drunk last night looks like a damn renaissance painting

Hector

Hector

georges de la tour, la madeleine a la hector, 1640

My fiancé just whispered in my ear, “you’re my secret Santa”

so I said “what?”

And he went, “ah shit I meant soulmate”

The boy forgot the word for soulmate and his brain thought, “it’s called secret Santa”

sweet jesus, this is horrifying

FNA Sesame Street

I’m feeling an emotion idk what emotion it is tho

What’s popping, you ask? Why, it’s my joints.

when your spouse catches your child in a ridiculous lie such as claiming they didnt eat the entirety of a bag of sugar despite the evidence, it is YOUR job, as co-parent and a bringer of chaos, to say: i believe her. she didn’t do it. that sugar could’ve came from anywhere. let’s go baby, let’s go find the criminal who framed you. what a dastardly crime to commit against a child.

now…as someone who raised their younger sister: 9 out of 10 times, this will end in a tearful confession. your faith in her will be it. and you have to act HEARTBROKEN. you have to look at the dog and ask, mournfully, “did you know? did you know?”

date someone that makes you roll your eyes and smile after

Art By IG: @vskafandre

direk izle Instagram: @artwoonz

Not to be corny but do u ever get hit with a wave of love so comfortable and deep that u feel like uve already loved this person for thousands of years

my friends cat loves attacking xmas trees but hates plastic bags

“do not mistake composure for ease”

If you paladin rolls a natural one when smiting evil, instead of being smoten, evil is smitten. Now they wander around with a blushing demon bashfully writing poetry about them constantly

OP change your url

I love him

I HAVE SOME questions

So many stick

What a good boy!

surprise ending

THE TWIST

someone just started blasting the indiana jones theme music on this train and i can’t tell who it is

but bless them

Apparently if you play the Indiana Jones theme music at an archaeological dig like half the people reach for their phones

#the other half reach for their phones if you play the jurassic park theme

There are only two genders: Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones

need to start shaking some old habits like heading towards a tar factory and a chicken coop whenever im in a car chase

Are straight white people okay????

What is this?!

People like this exist. Interesting.

this story has a part 2

THERE IS A PART 3 WITH GUEST RESPONSES I REPEAT THERE IS A PART 3 THIS IS NOT A DRILL

I thought things couldn’t get more horrifyingly amusing than the woman who wanted people to pay $1000 each to go to her wedding so she could “feel like a Kardashian for a day” and had a Facebook breakdown about it saying she was gonna go backpacking in Peru to “find herself” after being “betrayed” by her friends who didn’t want to partake but here we are

I thought it was the same person ngl.

I’m in the wedding shaming group and saw both this and the Peru post before it went viral. Love it.

THERE’S AN UPDATE

Stephanie is a true hero.

my favorite thing about this update is that the fact that we are even SEEING this means there’s AT LEAST one other snitch in the party that she hasn’t caught yet

@ihatejonarbuckle

@raeloganthesonic06fangirl

Well, I mean, Garfield does care

Anyone who’s ever owned a cat knows that they have thier own ways to show they love you

An often overlooked thing about Garfield is between the snark and schemes, he’s really a loving kitty

I guess these aren’t as memorable as the wackier strips

But Jon can always count on Garfield to make him smile when it really matters

And Garfield knows that Jon cares

I swear, my cat is the same way, the below picture is an accurate portrait of how it is to have a dog and cat the same time.

Theory accepted

wholesome

It’s rare to see Garfield content on Tumblr that isn’t “Jon is a heartless monster” or “Garfield is some eldritch horror”

A giant merman who is just really gay for pirates

He’s the gayest for pirates

i was in a thrift shop the other day and they were playing the most unsettling variations of normal christmas music, culminating in this rendition of the 12 days of christmas except it was like 12 guys all singing over each other and going “no!” and interrupting the lyrics with random other phrases until they deadass just started singing 5 golden rings to toto’s africa. can anyone confirm that this is a real song and not that i stroked so hard i astral projected into a universe where everything is somehow worse than it is here

https://youtu.be/2Fe11OlMiz8

I remember listening to this in grade school. I am going to go get some Chinese food.

this is what my anxiety attacks sound like

Oh I needed this laugh this evening. Thank you so much.

In case anyone didn’t want to leave Tumblr and just hit “play”

This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen goodnight

that is beautiful

This whole NSFW situation is exactly like when America made alcohol illegal in the 1920s to combat rampant alcoholism and it 100% backfired and actually made people drink way MORE and actually made it more accessible. They realized what a mistake they had made and repealed that shit.

Which brings me to my business proposal:

Titty Speakeasies

Knock three times and give the password “I like your shoelaces”

HOEHIBITION