smile!

i'm going to be honest with you all if i was a fictional character and i started coughing up blood or otherwise exhibiting the telltale signs of an untimely tragic inevitable death not only would i tell no one but my main priority would become having gay sex as soon as possible so that i can alter the trajectory of someone's life forever by suddenly dying just as our situationship begins to show hints of becoming something more

them: you know you can tell me anything, don't you? you'd tell me if something was wrong, right?

me, smothering guilt or maybe just a coughing fit: of course don't even worry about it ^_^

the grim spectre of Death i've been seeing from the corner of my eye for weeks now, drawing inexorably nearer with each passing day: *twitches its skeletal hand a few inches closer to my throat*

me: man who asked you

them: what

me: oh nothing ^_^

my obituary will be the next top r/AITA post

may I offer my contribution

"But you already wrote that trope."

You love to see it. (Not the destruction of trees, obvs, but shitheads meeting their oncoming comeuppance at the hands of trees.)

When you see it

(◡‿◡✿)

(ʘ‿ʘ✿) “what you say ‘bout me”

(ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿ “hold my flower”

✿＼(｡-_-｡) “Kick his ass, baby.  I got yo flower.”

i found it

the original post

i found it

this should have the opportunity to be on everyone’s blog. 

*tour guide voice*

and here on the left ladies and gentlemen, you see one of the posts before everyone went batshit crazy

World Heritage Post

Everyone here is dead.

@hellsite-hall-of-fame

HEY.

Y'all are missing the best part.

this is what happens when you name your pokemon before you know what it evolves into.

she still baby tho…

Pokemon Heritage Post

what did you expect, gojo?

this came to me in a dream

Testing out some new brushes and coloring styles on Procreate~

wish i had a bit going where whenever i said "the prophecy" like three of my friends would repeat "the prophecy" in different tones while squinting into the distance and rubbing their chins like sages deep in thought. i would also do this for them, im a team player

okay, so, be me, 27 years old at the time, an adult by any definition in the world

be me at the los angeles zoo, one of my very favorite places in the world, because i love animals. i am immedietly 8 years old when presented with a little creature. i can’t help it. 

okay, wait, go back. we must establish two things for this to hit right

first: 

the year before, i’d gone to the san diego zoo with my aunt and grandma and! they let you feed giraffes there!! 

how wonderful a world and how wonderful a life, where for $10 I can hand feed a giant creature three crispy biscuits. i go “i am feeding the giraffes right now” and go in line to buy the biscuits and return moments later triumphant, 3 biscuits in my grasp

“oh good!” my grandmother says, “one for each of us!” 

“yes,” i say, despondent, “one for each of us.” 

i wanted to feed all three to the giraffes myself but since i am an actual adult and not a child i do not say this and share the biscuits 

second: 

my friend group echoes. a lot

someone tells a story and ends it with “and that’s what happened!” and the rest of us will repeat “and that’s what happened!” 

often in unison. and it’s constant, all the time, even to little stuff. often said in the tone of “they don’t even have dental” 

ok, so we’re back at the los angeles zoo. they have opened the giraffe feeding 

i am not going to be thwarted again 

my two friends (K and M) get in line to feed them and i go to buy the biscuits. i return with nine biscuits because i am going to give the giraffes three biscuits myself and i do not want to hear a word of protest. i am being fair. i am being equitable. i am sharing. no one can judge me 

“wow!” says K. “that’s a lot of biscuits!” 

“the cult provides,” i say generously, handing over their share, because what is a friend group if not a small cult 

and then, automatically, in unison, like they have so many times before and thinking nothing of what exactly they’re saying, M and K reply, “the cult provides” 

two different people in line turn to stare at us while we all blink at each other and then M nervously shouts, “we are definitely not in a cult!” which sounds like something someone who is in a cult might say 

and ever since it’s been a running bit where one person says “the cult ____” and everyone echoes it as seriously as possible, no matter where we are or who we’re around

which is to say, OP, that you could be living the dream if your friends weren’t cowards 

‘who is claude’s retainer?’ could be a trick question on jeopardy. there is no one answer. retainer as in child of the second most powerful family? that’s hilda. someone who is actually politically powerful enough to rival him? lorenz. someone reliable and capable, who fulfils the role of an advisor? judith. someone specifically chosen to command in his stead? nader. someone with complete faith in him? marianne. your guess is as good as anybody’s

I think one of the reasons why tree law is so popular and people are so enthusiastic about it is because a big, old tree being killed feels so awful. You've got something that took years or decades to get that big, that provides so many benefits, and then it's just...gone and irreplaceable. Of course people are like oh boy, you didn't think that thing was valuable and now the law is gonna come for you and you're gonna regret it.

And it feels like one of the few cases where the rich (not the mega rich, but the regular rich) actually get held to account for their crimes, because the punishment is designed to match the actual damage they do. You cut down a bunch of your neighbor's trees to make your property more valuable? The punishment is basically the cost of your property.

which one of you is hovering your crosshair over me i can f⊹ucking feel it on me

Cloud Strife in his Kingdom Hearts outfit for Dissidia NT

THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987) dir. Rob Reiner

I think I just accidentally became someone's loan shark??

Okay it sounds bad but bear with me:

Someone owes me a significant amount of money, and has made it clear that they do not intend to pay me back.

I sent them one text to follow up about it around two months ago, letting them know that I wasn't stressed about it and I could wait or do installments if they needed time or things were rough, and they promptly blocked my number and deleted me on social media.

I was kinda bummed, but then, you know. I figured, it's a lot of money, but at least they've removed themselves from my life, right? If I were to choose between thinking someone like that was a reliable friend or paying a lump sum for the trash to take itself out, I could make peace with it. Whatever. Live and learn.

So, I haven't seen them in a few months. Cool. But then I was walking downtown and I see someone out of the corner of my eye just sitting around, having a drink. Don't know who, don't know what. Not paying attention, yeah? I'm living my life.

But as I get closer to walk past them, I see them get up and start booking it. And as I turn to figure out what's up, why is someone running, I recognize the back of their head, and as they look over their shoulder, we make eye contact, and then they're gone.

And I realize

I just got off work. I'm power-walking in what could ostensibly be interpreted as their direction. They look up and see someone they ghosted, who they have screwed monumentally, coming at them with a hundred-yard-stare and what they may not know is a regular resting bitch face. I don't even care about the money anymore, I've accepted it as a loss, but they blocked me on everything so they don't know that. And they went, "fuck this shit, not today" and dipped.

And that would be funny on it's own, but we do not live in a large, heavily-populated area. It's definitely going to happen again. So my question is this:

How long are they going to let themselves live in fear of my stumpy 5'3" ass hunting them down like John Wick or the devil himself before they snap

And how good is this gonna get while I let them

I need to be clear that I look like this